You might be thinking: ‘Uh… hm… um… is this Buzzfeed?’ Well, look. You get what you pay for, alright?
Speaking of which: I was talking to Tobi this afternoon. I decided maybe it was finally time to cave and admit that maybe he’s right about something.
This is the stuff I live for, folks. Let’s just close our eyes and soak in the mood. Feel that? It’s the sensation of being right about something maybe.
Maybe actually buying a luxury portable water bottle for drinking water out of instead of repeatedly failing to preserve the packaging from the last time I bought 500ml of fanta was actually useful and didn’t NECESSARILY make you look like a massive sucker.
Just a huge dopey sandal-wearing kale-guzzling tool.
Just a massive keychain-collecting avocado-scented consumer muppet.
Hi.
Unfortunately, a quick amazon search pretty much crushed my hopes and dreams of being able to place something on my desk that wasn’t going to start some kind of…... conversation. So here I decided to collect for you: our top 10 most cringe-inducing finds for solutions to my solution problem. Also yes, I’m too cheap to just buy bottled water.
10) Just some water bottle for infants with Peppa Pig on it.
10) Just some water bottle for infants with Peppa Pig on it.
So far this seems like my best option. People will come over to my desk and be like ‘Hey, is that for your toddler?’ And I’ll be like ‘Fuck off, boss. This is my red juice.’ Also, let’s be real. These Picasso looking farm animals pretending to be civilised blend in seamlessly with one’s office environment.
It also has a sippy straw for easy drinking action. It would be a weirdly fitting candidate, since I have not met anyone who’s talked more to me about Peppa than Allie.
I don’t even watch the show! It’s just a british thing I guess.
09) Contigo SWISH
Before we throw too much shade here, I’d like to start out by saying that I own a blue version of this one. I like saying “swish”, so it may have played a large part in why I ended up with this one.
This one looks a little bit like a sex toy. I guess it’s pretty trendy for a uh… ‘multipurpose’ shampoo bottle. I like how that extra grip is important. For when you’re in the shower with it. Swish!
08) Bobble Sport
OK, This one is definitely a dildo.
To me it looks kind of dangerous. Before you know it, you’re chugging your conditioner by accident.
Mmm! Goes down smooth! I gotta do this 8 times a day. Fellas~.
07) Bobble with Gold Filter
Ah geez. Another one of these, but somehow looks even LESS like a water bottle.
This is more of a luxury dildo. It needs more bedazzling, but I can still imagine Christina Aguilera carrying one of these around. God, I sound old. I mean uh…. Kesha? Rihanna?
06) Klean Kanteen
Be one of the Kool Kidz, and join the Klean Kanteen Klub! Also for some reason, there’s something about the shape of this that makes me feel like it’s gonna be filled with weed killer or something. Was man just not meant to have convenient portable all-purpose beverage containers?
I’ve played enough video games to know a poison vial when I see it. Not sure what the spermy logo is supposed to be all about either. If nothing else, it looks like the most sturdy bottle out of the bunch.
05) Zenfuse
Every thought water in your water bottle tasted too plain? Well the Zenfuse has got your back.
So you gotta make your own fruit infused water, but you gotta keep dem shits separate! Nobody wants bits of real fresh fruit in their all-natural homemade hippyjuice, right?
Just remember to clean it thoroughly and quickly when you’re done, or else you get to enjoy some compost-flavoured water.
04) Aladdin ‘I’m Not A Disposable Bottle’
Ugh, this one’s so disgustingly eco-conscious that it’s gained self-awareness and is trying to communicate with us. ‘I’m not garbage! Honest! Haven’t you heard? This is the new thing!’
Ceci n'est pas une bouteille jetable.
03) Abataka Stainless Steel Water Bottle with Bamboo Lid and Lion Design
I like to think we’ve been pretty nice to these bottles up until now, but dang is this one ugly. It’s a milk-jug with the ugliest Henna tattoo on it.
Rawr. Check out my cyber-tribal moisture capsule. King of my bunghole.
02) The MemoBottle
THIS. IS. THE most impractical design of water bottle I have ever seen in my life! But actually, see, it’s for cleverly disguising 0.5p worth of fluid as a laptop or stack of papers. Because product designers gotta get paid somehow. This looks actually mental. This IS mental. Image-crafting toss for business-class fetishising berks.
Yeah, this isn’t a water bottle. It is a way for alcoholics to smuggle booze into the workplace. I don’t know why you’d need water to be hidden like this, but I guess maybe the target demographic went on the same journey as Allie did and started blushing by some of these options.
01) Ovoid Vitbot
So we’ve covered quite a few bottles now, but have we ever stopped to think about what a water bottle is and what it does? What is the science behind water bottles, and how would we optimise their true potential?
This water bottle boasts spontaneous and continuous vortexes creating a wholly uniform and hexagonal tapwater experience. I’m not sure how I’d achieve proper hydration and electrolyte acquisition without this otherwise bizarre and unwieldy design. In fact, it actually looks a lot like a grenade. I’m… not sure you can take this anywhere?
The airport TSA surely won’t appreciate its design. That is for sure.
Boom.
Boom.
