Monday, 25 November 2013

Spookymonth Review: Parasite Eve

Oktoberfest is upon us again. Time to play another cult horror classic. Parasite Eve. I know nothing about this game. I thought it was going to be one of those all-FMV games but apparently I’m a little off.

You did always say nothing’s scarier than having to participate in PE.

Every time I see a women’s hockey vest I scream silently inside. I’d rather get parasites. In the evening. Something like that? Ok ok i’ll pick up the controller.

Looks like Lady Liberty vs Lady Marmalade
Well judging by the intro trailer this looks to be more rad action game than scary. Poor lady liberty is bleeding from her face, not sure if this is the game or the proper design.

So wait… battle screens… armour… is this a JRPG?

:x mebbi ...At one point, this game was Final Fantasy 7, I heard. Doesn’t surprise me that JRPG stuff carried over

Klap traps?

OK these monsters are sorta badass. Bit of a ‘The Thing’ inspiration coming through here. The humans though, a bit like those anime bodysuits. Even creepier, but not intentionally in that case.

She keeps her badge in her cleavage…?

Yah so, this is a funny thing, but I’ve heard of the character Aya Brea (no really thats her name) in the past, usually on articles of HOTTEST GAME CHARACTERS EVER. She seems to be a bit of a cult sex icon among gamers. Let’s see what she’s got going for her…

Oh… o-okay.. Sure.

I really like Aya’s design and moxie. But OH MY GOD HER RUN CYCLE. Lawd have mercy she is so slow it sometimes looks like she's running in place.

So.. as we pursue Eve, we’re the only ones immune to her combustion attack thing… and our mana is called ‘parasite energy’.. and she keeps talking about my mitochondria awakening soon…  if the big twist is that the main character is infected with the parasite thing.. yeah I kinda figured that out already, sorry.

The scariest thing in this game is the cop Daniel seriously. This guy is the most reckless cop ever jesus christ. He drives like a maniac and he just shoots shit right in everyones face. Seriously his driving is terrifying.

Fuck man I'm standing right here!
The biggest problem I've had with the game, and sadly enough the worst example of this comes really early on in the game, is pixel hunting. This is when you get stuck because you couldn't find the exact few pixels that allowed you to interact with a prop. Allie and I both got stuck on the same flippin' part in the Zoo. When she told me what to do, it still took me several tries to successfully do it. I'm amazed that this slipped past the devs. It soured me on the game for hours.

Dreaming of a white christmas? *snicker*

So, um… theres this chapter in the game where uh… hehe… man I just… ok ok so the villain.. she’s raiding the city’s sperm bank… and you… you have to stop her from getting the jizz.

It's weird that this is ultimately what the game is about. That's the diabolical plot of the main villain. I like a villain with some spunk, but not like this...

So yeah, unfortunately the villain succeeds that far, and when the plot gets explained, this guy is like ‘SHE’S PREGNANT?’ Like AFTER you’ve seen her likes this.

That or she just discovered Krispy Kreme.
Over the course of the game though, the ‘The Thing’ inspiration seems to give way to a more 80s NY cop movie feel, with a bit of die hard and a bit of ghostbusters. Seriously, there’s even the statue of liberty getting taken over by sentient slime!

So… scariest bit in the game? I don’t want to be sucker for the obvious but for me it was the final boss. Eve has her horrifying mutant baby and if that isn't grim enough, YOU HAVE TO SHOOT IT TO DEATH. Yeesh.

The spookiest, most nervewrecking thing is this game is the constant inventory management that is expected of you. There is not a single point in the entire game where I wasn’t hurting for inventory slots. To make it worse, the game adds a pointless scientist character whose only purpose seems to be giving you pointless items that take up slots. No really. Pointless.

All in all I do sort of look back to it fondly. It wasn’t until we were talking about it and writing this up that I remembered all these things I had problems with. It’s pretty ambitious and non-compromising for a Playstation RPG, so at the very least I can say that I respect it in all its flaws.

You gotta watch out for those hyperevolved ones.
I give Aya Brea a 7/10 because she’s pretty sassy for a blow-up-doll, and this game gets a bag of prerendered mutant genitals out of 10 for giving me nightmares about tiny combat arenas with awful collision.

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