Badge Count: 0
Went to pick my first Pokémon from Professor Bitch. For someone that dedicated his life to Pokémon, he sure got punked pretty easily. Saved right before picking a starter so I could soft-reset until I got a girl. I alternated between all three until I finally got a dame, which ended up being my very own Torchic. The name ‘Didgeridoo’ was kindly provided to me for my new Fire type friend. After making my way up town, my other “friend” Brendan challenged me to a duel with his opposite typed creature. I’m glad I got a free potion from the Pokémart flyer-peddler, because Brendan almost smoked me with a lucky shot. The first monster I caught myself turned out to be a puny little Wurmple named ‘Spools’. She turned out not to be very capable or cool, so I’m afraid she’ll be out as soon as she reaches her final form. Luckily these things usually evolve quite quickly.
I finally confronted the first Gym Leader, Roxanne. She uses rock Pokémon, which the NPCs tell me render my starter completely useless. Not good, since Didgeridoo was my best one by quite a margin. Health was dropping fast from all my best dudes, and it turned out the only seemingly viable mon I had was the Lotad ‘Guttertrash’. She had a water move, but also couldn’t take a punch from pokémon of that level. Luckily she has a move at her disposal, Teeter Dance, that reliably confuses dudes. She kept going STOP HITTING YOURSELF to Nosepass over and over again, while also blowing bubbles up its nose. We managed to overcome the challenge with a sliver of health left, earning ourselves the Gym badge!
Badge Count: 1
Exiting the gym, a scientist was running and screaming that Devon was robbed. All of it?! Either way I go a little bit east of town to a cave. Here I find the robber and molleywhop his pets until he gives his loot back. I take personally take it back to the president of Devon, who gives me a miniature TV. I quickly figured out that nothing good is ever on, so I won’t be turning it back on any time soon. For some reason he didn’t want to keep the stolen loot and asked me to give it to someone else. The president also told me take a boat to an island town to meet with that person. I don’t question it and do what he says. On my way to the boat, I talk to someone that gives me a watering can. May not sound like much, but it appears that watering berries greatly improves the amount of berries you can pick up again. While I’ll probably break this oath out of forgetfulness or laziness, I am going to try and water every berry I plant.
A sea trip later I found myself on the aforementioned island. It’s quite small and doesn’t appear to have a lot going for it. I enter the gym, which appears to be dilapidated. Lights barely seem to function, unless you stand on a giant button on the floor. I don’t know who designed this place, but I prey (s)he sought another profession after this project. I make my way through the gym and sports equipment in the dark and end up in a room with the gym leader. His name is Brawly, which is a stupid name for a person. I bet it’s not his real name. Having Didgiridoo on me, who is a burd, I smoked his fighting type monsters effortlessly.
Badge Count: 2
I go up north of town and find a cave. The cave leads to cavern that had a giant mural of a Pokémon. Steven, the person the president wanted me to meet, was there, looking at the mural. I don’t think it was anything special though. It’s a cave painting of the Pokémon from the box art. The box art also had the Pokémon in full colour and with better detail. Steven is clearly easily impressed. He does compliment me that I’ve got the potential to be the best there ever was, which also ties into him being easily impressed. I’m aiming for mediocrity, booo-i. He also tells me to deliver the stolen good to yet ANOTHER person. When he bails, I do as well.
Taking the boat back, the captain tells me he we can go to another place, and I accept his offer. We end up on a beach with the angriest people. Everyone is looking for a fight. Tired of fighting, I go hide in a bar on the beach, but the owner tells me that I should beat everyone up for his entertainment. I can do that, and I will do that. He ended up giving me something, but I don’t remember what. Probably not super important. I move on north into town. I figured out where the person I need to meet works, but he’s not at his job. Figured that this wouldn’t be straightforward either. I ended up finding him in the museum that was being plundered by Team Aqua. Since those guys are incompetent, I easily disposed of them. Their leader went on a silly I COULD TOTES KICK YOUR ASS BUT IM NOT WEARING MY ASS-KICKING SOCKS TODAY SO YOU ARE LUCKY *bails with tail between legs* spree, but I didn’t care.
On another side of the town I met a Pokémon contest idol, who made me her protegé. I entered the COOLNESS contest with my Tailow ‘Redbobs’. Redbobs has nothing but Cool-type moves, so I absolutely smoked the competition. As my reward, I got a Pikachu in a tacky dress. Speaking of tacky dresses, somehow along the way I got one forced onto me as well. Not just that, but apparently I made a non-verbal agreement to always wear the thing whenever I enter a contest. The lesson from this story is that I probably won’t be entering any more contests.
I left town and stopped by the TRICK HOUSE. Sounding completely awesome, I of course entered it straight away. Turns out that the Trick House was just a house with a hedge maze inside. Not the tricks I was thinking of, and frankly it wasn’t very tricky either. Perhaps it came closest to Prince Tricky from Star Fox Adventures, as he was an annoying waste of my time too. I left that place asap and stumbled on my bro Brendan. He challenged me to a fight, which he really should not have done. I was Super Effective-ing his face off like there was no tomorrow. That boy can consider himself lucky he isn’t doing a Nuzlocke run, because I made a vow to annihilate every single one of his pets.
Speaking of insufferable candy-asses that need my destructive intervention, when I entered Mauville I saw Wally again. I didn’t mention Wally earlier, but Wally and I go way back. Back before I was the badass that you see before you today, I had zero badges and wandered in my dad’s gym. Wally was there and begged for a Pokémon to my dad. The lazy jerk saddled me with that job and I had to babysit him getting a Ralts. He apparently moved to Mauville, and he’s still the same crybaby loser he was back home. I got asked if I wanted to fight him, and I don’t know what caught me off guard more. The audacity to challenge ME to a fight when he knows he’s out of his league, or the fact that he asked and gave me a choice. A real trainer would have looked me straight in the eye and told me that we were going to tango whether I liked it or not. I really wanted to shut his ass down and not give him the time of day, but I guess I liked the prospect of crushing him and feasting on his tears more. Naturally I let Didgeridoo incinerate his feeble Ralts and he seemed to be really depressed about it. Here’s to hoping he gives up his dream of becoming a trainer. Since I’m right in front of the gym, I may as well tackle it as well. I don’t even need to heal my Pokémon up again, because Wally is such a bad, pathetic excuse of a trainer.
My lombre Guttertrash is most suited for an Electricity gym. She’s mixed race (Water/Grass), carrying both the strength and weakness of the gym with her. The perks of being the highest level mon in capable hands is that you can rise above types like that. If I needed any help, Didgeridoo was ready to double kick her way through the scraps.
Badge Count: 3
I’m afraid the first casualty was made today. I’d like to ask for a moment of silence for dear old Cloneasaurus the Plusle. He did not survive old trusted 'put a mofo in front and change it out in your first turn to a better one so they can share experience' technique. There are more dignified ways than to perish to a Zubat, so Cloneasaurus and I were probably not meant to be anyway.
Then a long pile of nothing happened. I got a sack to put soot in and I met an IT lady who made my Pokémon Storage System or whatever. Nothing eventful for hours basically. Ultimately I arrived at a cave where Team Aqua kidnapped Mr Science because he had a piece of meteor on him. I showed them who’s boss. Those rascals then made their way up a volcano and I chased them there, and claimed that meteorite for my own. For future reference, here is the summary of every Team Aqua battle in the future: the same zillion bats and dogs over and over again and no one is having a good time.
I finally drudge my way to the next city where an old lady shoves a Pokémon egg in my hands. You may think this is super cool, but to me this is just a massive pain in the arse. This means that I’ll lose a valuable slot in my party, because the egg can’t be put in my bag next to my keys, soot and cellphone. Even worse is that there may be a male Pokémon inside that egg, making this a completely worthless endeavour.
Luckily this town does have a hot springs gym. The gymmick (heh) is that slow geysers push you up and down floors. Guttertrash knows some water moves by now, so a fire type gym is laughable at this point. I clean up as fast as the stupid geysers let me, and I earn a badge and some goggles.