Review: Clock Tower (SNES)

So, T-brains, I hear this is one of the pioneers of the Survival Horror genre? A fine pick for Oktoberfest I might add. What gave you the sudden urge to pick up this retro title?

My colleagues were discussing scary games to get into the spirit of the holiday us Belgians do not celebrate. The usual suspects came up, many of which I didn't think were very effective as a 'scary game.' Games like Resident Evil 5, which completely suck out any possible tension by giving you too much firepower and even an ally to cover you. When we ended on the subject of Metroid Fusion's SA-X, the conversation steered towards Clock Tower.  ...Clock Tower? You mean that really weird franchise with that hilarious Ron Weasley clone? That's supposed to be a scary series? I was assured that it was, but they didn't want to talk too much about it since it would spoil it for me. So I recruited my sister-in-arms and cleared our super busy and important schedule.

Dennis never fails to make me laugh.

First thing you’ll notice in this game is that its interface resembles a point and click adventure, but with a Doom marine mugshot at to bottom left corner. Much like in Doom, Jennifer Simpson (who looks like Alison Brie from Community and Madmen) emotes her state of mind and health through this portrait.

More like Jennifer Connelly, veteran horror film actress from Labyrinth/Hellraiser. In fact.. she looks a LOT like Jennifer Connelly. And she’s even called Jennifer.

Hmm...

Alright, Allie. I’m a scared little boy, so you might need to help me constantly. Luckily we’re in this together. What’s that? Randomised rooms and villain spawns? Crud.

I cannot wait to explore what's behind the shower curtain in the bathroom where the taps dispense blood on me, I’m sure there’s just a lot of iron in the pipes. It’s a pretty old place.

Yeah OK, this isn't so bad. No music, large mansion, echoing footsteps, isolation from your friends and legal guardian, … I’m digging this. I like a good horror scenario that doesn’t get up in your grill and makes things tense within your own mind through the atmosphere and doesn’t resort to scary-ass maniacal monst-

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Dying happens frequently because the game makes absolutely no effort at all to explain you anything. Luckily the game auto-saved every time you step into a room and loading your game back up takes like three seconds. Somehow I feel this is detrimental to the atmosphere the game is trying to establish. A more punishing save-system would make the game a lot more tense and extend the playtime considerably. I’d like to propose that Castlevania and Clock Tower should wife-swap their saving mechanics.

Sir, I disagree! Ok, maybe safe rooms would be kinda cool, but if this game were any slower paced I’d have grown cataracts and I wouldn’t be able to see any terrifying imagery. I’m a big fan of the quick save, I was basically planning to do the same thing anyway. You already spend enough time faffing around the mansion from room to room trying to remember where anything is.

To be completely honest. I would totally have abused quick saves as well (and I did until I figured the saving-system out), but I still stand by the fact that the current system doesn't quite work in the atmosphere’s favour.

So, um... I always heard people saying Eternal Darkness invented the whole idea of sanity meters and intentional visual and sound ‘glitches’ to make the game scarier. I mean you’re... you’re getting these glitches too right?

Yeah, I am. Can’t really tell if these are because we are playing a hacked fan-translation on an emulator or because the game is trying to mess with me.

So basically, the game really only has one main recurring threat, and that’s this chappo with the large garden shears.

Yeah, Japan’s got a big thing for scary kids and Clock Tower doesn't miss the mark here. A kid with shears as big as him already spells trouble for me. Even if the kid would be well-behaved it would be a scissor-accident waiting to happen. The fact that he's a deformed bugger too doesn't really give me a lot of confidence. Once again the big lesson here is to judge people by their appearance because the gnarly looking kid is evil as fuck.

That guy was a kid?

9-year old kid in a school-boy uniform with a deformed mug. I liked his happy murder-dance when he got all excited. The main objective of the game is running away and hiding from the child and finding a way to leave with all your friends.

I’m really glad that we had eachother to share info, I’m not sure how long the game would have taken each of us without a few hints from our discoveries.

Yeah, when the game was recommended to me, they did advise me to keep a walkthrough in hand in case of emergencies, as the game really doesn’t explain you anything.

Still, easier than Maniac Mansion!

Playing with a walkthrough would have lessened what little the game would have had to offer though. I’m glad we went in relatively blind and only had each other to fall back on.

Jennifer is not the master of unlocking

Allie’s FUN-CLUSION: So, this game’s short and sweet and it’s not really that terrifying. Regardless,  I think it’s managed to leave a lasting impression on me, in a similar way that Lucasart’s Loom did. It’s very atmospheric and very memorable and it’s the kind of creeping psychological ‘horror’ that I enjoy.

You’re right that it wasn’t very scary, but it did what it set out to do decently. The action scenes were tense and paced pretty well. If nothing else, it was a rather quirky and unique experience. It's a little difficult to discuss the game without giving too much away. I think it's a great effort if you take the hardware and time it was created into consideration. There aren't many similar experiences available in 2D, so it's worth a watch for those interested in the genre or enjoy quirky games in general.

Hey, Tob... Is it wrong that I kinda wanna try playing the sequels sometime?

Do you want me to link the Dennis video again, Allie?

Top Ten Best Terrifying Videogame Moments

For this, the spookymonth season, we decided as a pair, being massive nerds, that we wanted to compile you a list of our favourite terrifying moments from videogames! The bits that make Tobi all scared, but not me because I'm totally cool and I never lose my shit over a bunch of polygons on a screen. Psh. Come on. OGODOGODOGOD WHAT WAS THAT?

10) Half Life 2 - Headcrabs and G-man

Aah, Half life 2. I know, I'm being THAT GUY right now, but it really was a fantastically immersive game that really put the effort in to make you feel like you were right there, you were that guy improvising your jumps over scaffolding and shitting your pants whenever some zombies popped out from inside an abandoned house. And what was up with that G-man guy? Some creep just leering at you from afar? Unsettling.

It's easy to overlook the mysterious man in black in the game. Most of his appearances are him standing in the distance, staring at you. Once you notice him, he turns around and walks away. Not much is known about the man aside from the fact that he has the ability to manipulate time, space and people. You do not know who he is, what he wants from you or what side he is on. All that is clear is that he is your puppetmaster. 

9) Mario 64 - Eel/Killer Piano

The eel embodies everything you find frighting about the deep sea. Being out of your element with limited movement or oxygen creates a feeling of unease that is so hard to shake. Seeing a giant creature, that could gobble you up without chewing, charge out its hiding place would make your LETS-GET-THE-F-OUT-OF-HERE-O-METER catch on fire if you weren't underwater already.

Gosh, really Tobi? Want me to hold your hand while you play marios? Alright, hehe, I'm just messin'. I think these are popular scary game moments, part because it's kindof unexpected for a mario game and all. You don't expect something as batshit insane as a killer piano in a game full of wimpy ghosts and racing penguins. [OBLIGATORY MAGIC MUSHROOMS HALLUCINOGEN JOKE]

8) Heavy Rain - Finger

WARNING: Pretty nasty video! 18+

I really can find an endless supply of things to make fun of with this game. Honestly, to me a lot of is it just wank. 'jasooon' and 'you go, girl!' spring to mind, as well as other dumb bits that try to be scary but come across as a retarded idea. But then there was this very saw-esque scene, where you are forced to make the decision as to whether you'll cut off your finger to save your son- but wait, you also have to hurriedly find a way to achieve that, as you ransack this nasty room for the least rusty sharp objects you can find! GOD DAMN. I didn't even play this scene, I watched someone else do it and I felt like I wouldn't have been able to play it through. It was so realistic and so intense.

This scene is just downright nasty by itself, but the worst part is that it is done through gameplay. It forces to you look at the on-screen prompts so you can proceed. The wimpier among us sadly might be inclined to look the other way, which causes you to fail the Quick Time Events, causing you to keep unsuccessfully hacking away at your finger. Just a nightmare to sit through.

7) Sonic the Hedgehog (series) - Underwater Levels

I don't like underwater stages in any game. They are the worst, but the Sonic series managed to find a way to make them even worse than 'worst'. It is "worster", a word invented just for special occasions such as this. The music that plays causes you to lose your concentration and panic. I have never seen such an apropos musical manifestation of the fear of drowning. When it starts playing you don't know whether you should struggle for air or prepare yourself for death's embrace. worster.

Whenever I ask people about what freaked them out most in a game, this always ALWAYS comes up. The bit in all the old sonic games where you're underwater, and you start to run out of air and this theme of pure panic begins to play. It's the jaws theme of videogames. It doesn't help that sonic is sluggish underwater, and you might have to wait for bubbles of oxygen to come up from below. Whether it's labyrinth, hydrocity, or tidal tempest zone there always seems to be one underwater level in each sonic game, and it's most people's least favourite level.

6) Pikmin 2 - Wraith

I don't know if many people will remember this enemy, but I will NEVER FORGET. So I'm playing Pikmin 2, I enter a new little dungeon and it all seems legit... Then suddenly BOOM. BOOM. Two strange distant sounding crashing noises. I continue onwards, and then I see it coming straight towards me and my precious little babies: a giant freaking steam roller monster completely filling the tunnel. It rolls right over me and massacres prettymuch my entire squad, and as a wave of whimpering ghosts float up towards the pikmin heavens, I'm there thinking WHAT THE FUCK NINTENDO? FOR SERIOUS? I hope Dr Kawashima's emotional therapy DS comes out soon.

Death on wheels that moans like a whale. Not only will it take out your entire platoon if you didn't know it was coming, it is also invincible when you first encounter it.

5) Condemned - Mannequins

Not the biggest fan of this game, but the mannequins will always stick with me. There's not a whole lot to talk about it. They are mannequins that move towards you when your back is turned. Just watch the clip.

This was a suggestion from Tobi. I haven't played this game, but he showed me the video and I thought it was BRILLIANT. Sure, we've seen a similar idea in films and in that episode of Doctor Who that everyone seems to think is scary (really guys? statues?) But this kinda shit is ten fold creepy when you pair it up with an immersive first person experience. A great idea, and well executed.

4) Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask -  ??

We couldn't decide what 'bit' to put in for majora's mask. There's just so many peepants scary moments, characters, songs... That gaudy little N64 cartridge is a veritable pandora's box of mindfuck. Including:

- The terrifying moon that stares at you throughout the game. Seriously, every time you look up.

- Ikana Canyon, of the screaming zombies, creepy music and of course..

- The half-man half-zombie in a closet that jumps out at you

- The alien siege on Cremia's ranch.

- The mysterious hand in the toilet

- The zora mask transformation

- The bipolar mask salesman

And many more!
 
Majora's Mask, also known as Groundhog Day on the apocalypse, is just so uncomfortably eerie. The moon is looking down, with its piercing gaze set towards the town it is out to collide with. Since the entire game is based around this doomsday scenario, most of the NPCs are preparing for the end, while others are trying to mourn the recently deceased who they utterly depend on. The whole atmosphere of the entire thing made me really dislike playing it, but it stood to be one of the most powerful interactive experiences I had witnessed.

3) Earthbound - Giygas

Just listen to this song. It gives me goosebumps every time. In adorable-looking cult RPG earthbound, you sacrifice your lives and transfer your consciousness into a robot to fight the ultimate evil, this horrific alien incarnation that moans and groans and cries and glitches the screen. It uses thematic undertones of nothingness, insanity, rape, misery, death. Typical nintendo and their fruity kid games.

If you don't know what you are looking at, allow me explain. That thing right there is an unborn alien god and you face it in a giant space-uterus, designed to look like how the game's creator perceived a rape-scene in a movie as a child. ...Yeah.

2) Metroid Fusion - SA-X

After an encounter with a parasite on SR388, Samus' body started to blend together with the suit. After surgically removing Samus from her suit, the Galactic Federation sent the Varia Suit to a research station. It was there that the parasite slowly started to grow back the surgically-liberated body of Samus. Once fully grown, the parasite could start to roam the research station on its own. Problem is that this Varia Suit is that Samus fully equipped and powered it up from her previous mission.  You on the other hand are clinging to life in a dinky suit that you require to stay alive. 
This creates a very clear distinct difference in power. Whenever you would hear the heavy, metal footsteps of SA-X (Samus Aran X-parasite) echo through a corridor, you knew you had to crawl in the nearest vent like a cockroach as quickly as you could and pray it would leave. Trying to engage it meant certain death, as the game often illustrated with how it destroyed everything in its path.  
 
Yeah, so, we play a lot of nintendo games. The fearsomeness of the SA-X is all in the gameplay. I guess that just means you'll have to take our word for it if you haven't played it. You'll be shooting enemies and running and jumping around, and then oh fuck there it is RUN AND HIDE DON'T LET IT SEE YOU. SA-X is you, but with all your upgrades that make you such an amazing killing machine. The game makes you hesitant to enter every new room, for the fear that it might be there already... just waiting to murder you good.

1) Resident Evil 4 - The Regenerators and 'Oven Man'.

So you're in this lab, horrific experiments, little too quiet, blah blah, scariest music in the game for some reason, heavy breathing, footsteps, surprise zombie right around the corner, now keep calm, don't shoot it in the head because it's semi-invulnerable, don't shoot it in the legs, that'll only make it faster, don't try to sneak past it it'll eat your face. Just scramble around running and screaming you little effeminate man, until you can find an infrared scope with which to find its weak points, of which there are many and you have to shoot them all as it ambles towards you juuust a little bit quicker than you'd like it to when you're trying to aim precisely. Oh also, we had to mention there's this bit in the game where this man on fire suddenly jumps out at you for no reason HAHAHAHAHAHAH SHIT.

While the disgusting Regenerators soaked up all of my ammunition and still went for my face without their limbs, the stand-out moment from this game is the oven man. It's a cheap startle, but it made my heart skip a beat. There was no way to prepare for him. A man on fire charges out an oven and tries to grab you, only to die from the burns a few seconds later. While you do not lose much health, it is almost impossible to avoid for those unaware of his presence. 

So there you go everyone! Happy Oktoberfest! (That's what this was for, right?) I'm sure you guys can think of your own favourite scary moments, and I welcome you to leave these thoughts in the comments! If you disagree with our choices and condemn our lack of experience in the field of scary games, GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLOG.

Review: Under Development by M Dickie

Here at HYTIB, we love videogames, and we love having opinions. Those things go together like ham and cheese. Like fried eggs and ketchup. Like pear syrup and salami in a sandwi-what, really Tobi? That's bizarre.
  

So, a brief introduction:

M. Dickie was introduced to me by a veteran co-worker who I guess has some level of personal experience with this... chap? He has a way with words, and he has published a book on game development, as well as many articles on his experiences. I think his website says everything that you need to know about him. He likes religion. He likes wrestling. He likes himself.
He has recently released a new game which he developed single-handedly, which is 52% downloaded as we speak. I’m real excited to be reviewing this game. It’s about other games. It’s going to be great. Tobi, your thoughts so far?

 
I had never heard of the guy before this, but if we can go by the portfolio on his website, we’re in for a real treat.

Installing the game now... did it really just offer to install an MDickie toolbar?

During the installation you get treated to this 

 

This might come “highly recommended” by him, but I highly recommend you turn all that stuff off. So really, who are you going to trust in this situation? Me or the guy with a penis-name?

So, um... I’m making my character. I can change everything except I can’t figure out how to change the gender?

Silly Allie. This is the games industry. Oh wait, the option is buried under a sea of poorly thought out menus. Too late, though!

Instead, meet Tobi

This rainbow-haired adonis wears a sports-bra for support, kneepads for safety and camo-shorts for stealth. I appreciate games where you can select an ‘ALL’ option for ‘accessories’.

..and Allie.

I have actually gone down a suspiciously similar route. Eerie. Ai’ight, lets roll.

Tobi makes Shiggy an offer he can't refuse.

So, I’m in my chair in my hilarious little office, and to start designing a game, I need to play asteroids. Wow, this is pretty accurate! I’m fairly sure this is what designers do all day eh? eh? ;) 

I like how game devs do one task per day and then they're like K I'M DONE, LET ME ZZZZZZZZ NOW! Another accurate portrayal of the industry, I imagine. 

Harsh, but fair. :'X 

Alright, I need more hands. I’m hiring Mat Dickie himself. I offered him a filthy bedroom coder rate of $15k salary. Trouble is, I’m not good at maths and I haven’t paid any attention to what the numbers are like in this game.

My Dickie is working for Nintendo and also dissed indie development when I proposed that he’d come work for me in my bedroom. Even Miyamoto didn’t give me such a low blow.

Hehe, 'your dickie'.

...Wait, shit. Apparently the salary is monthly. WELL, this isn’t gonna be pretty.
Might need to re-start.

Bill Gates, I hear he's a pretty mean guy.

...Are you tickling Bill Gates' pecs?

...uh..

So in other news, is this game some made with some kinda game maker program? Some kinda dating sim type template? I’m getting the impression that the character customiser is very wrestling-oriented.

It’s made with Blitz Basic, so not quite. The beautiful visuals may be recycled from his bible and wrestling games. 

This game's minigames contain about 4 different sprites from retro games, as well as ripped music both with a strangely headache-inducing lack of variety.

Wait wait, so some guy from a rival games company came in and SOLD me some unused 3d art assets he had created for that company? I guess this fits in with MDickie’s grasp on copyright law.

Same thing happened to me. After 12 months of “work”, I decided that my product is going to be Frogger. A Capcom employee bursted into my office and told me he had lots of 3D modeling for sale that might be complimentary to my game. The link between Frogger for Atari 2600 and 3D graphics was clear as day to me, so I gladly paid half of my remaining budget.

With the 3D graphics in place, I decided it was time to release Frogger into the world. The press immediately got wind of it and gave it a 52% rating. Then a terrible snowstorm presumably hit the city because the game froze up. Right on time because I was pretty tired of playing Snake to further my programming.  

Set your brain to MAXIMUM THRILLS.

All in all, this isn’t a poorly thought out game, at least not as much so as I had expected. Shame it’s the worst genre of game, though. Just a management simulator. A nasty, torturous management simulator that forces you to play a round of space invaders over and over and over. 

To be completely fair, the game he blatantly ripped off, Game Dev Story, is fun, addictive and doesn’t waste your time with terrible minigames, visuals or infantile takes on creative industries.

Would you say that M. Dickie has mastered all of the disciplines of game development?

I’m not even sure if he’s mastered A discipline of game development, let alone all of them.

5 Reasons why I would rather stick my face in a pail of earwig larvae than watch The Human Centipede 2

So I read this EXCITING article the other day about how the sequel to 'Shock Value Gets All The Kids Watchin' had to make a fuck ton of cuts to the film for it to be legal to show to anyone, because strangely enough, a certain level of simulated snuff torture porn is apparantly illegal in this country. There must be some kind of crazy reason why the government would consider it unwholesome that we want to spend our day watching misogenistic sexual torture for our own personal pleasure. I don't know, maybe it's a tax thing?

So naturally, everyone seems yet again desperately eager to see the 'lol dont worry I can take it im hardcore nothing phases me' film of the year. Here's some reasons I won't be joining you in the cinema.

1) I'm not massively insecure about my ability to 'handle nasty shit'.
So you watched that bit in saw where the guy cuts his leg off without closing your eyes? Here, have a medal. I bet your friends are impressed at your ability to potentially be a surgeon, except for the fact that you aren't smart, dedicated or skillful enough.

2) I wouldn't fuck a teenager just because he/she's barely legal.
Ah, but the novelty value of the ALMOST BANNED thing. The not-quite-forbidden fruit. That means it's seductive and desireable. If heroin suddenly became legal, then for heaven's sake strap me down and shoot me up!

3) Your marketing tactics pet me on the head and stick a dog treat in my face.
So really, why are you watching this film? Is it because of the oscar winning plot where some guy tries to reenact the events of the first film and then the same stuff happens but slightly different? Or is it perchance because there's just something enticing about a film that DARES you to watch it? It tells me I can't so I MUST! That's it, fido! Go fetch ball!

4) Haha, yeah, it's real funny that they made a hilariously shit film!
My favourite part is the bit where they made money off us for it instead of a film that deserved my money for being y'know, not shit.

5) Well, I haven't seen the first one!

RPG Writing formula

Allow me to share with you the formula for writing a successful RPG.

Step one: Create a fantastical world and an intricate and deep plot with the theme of your choice; time travel, space monsters, civil war, dreams, coping with death, etc... anything goes!

Step two: Change the ending to incorporate DRAGONS.

FRENCH PROVINCE ALERT

Do not attempt to adjust your pet. We have a new blog. It's for things. Hobbies and crafts and passive aggressive diatribes, and vanity. The usual.


Some groundrules:

• Allie's text has a slight reddish tint.
• Tobi's get a more purpley shade.
• General ravings might not be bad to keep in standard white, though I in no way mean to imply that 'white' is the default for things outside this layout. I know many ethnically diverse text-colours and they are just as equal to their white counterparts.