5 Reasons why I would rather stick my face in a pail of earwig larvae than watch The Human Centipede 2

So I read this EXCITING article the other day about how the sequel to 'Shock Value Gets All The Kids Watchin' had to make a fuck ton of cuts to the film for it to be legal to show to anyone, because strangely enough, a certain level of simulated snuff torture porn is apparantly illegal in this country. There must be some kind of crazy reason why the government would consider it unwholesome that we want to spend our day watching misogenistic sexual torture for our own personal pleasure. I don't know, maybe it's a tax thing?

So naturally, everyone seems yet again desperately eager to see the 'lol dont worry I can take it im hardcore nothing phases me' film of the year. Here's some reasons I won't be joining you in the cinema.

1) I'm not massively insecure about my ability to 'handle nasty shit'.
So you watched that bit in saw where the guy cuts his leg off without closing your eyes? Here, have a medal. I bet your friends are impressed at your ability to potentially be a surgeon, except for the fact that you aren't smart, dedicated or skillful enough.

2) I wouldn't fuck a teenager just because he/she's barely legal.
Ah, but the novelty value of the ALMOST BANNED thing. The not-quite-forbidden fruit. That means it's seductive and desireable. If heroin suddenly became legal, then for heaven's sake strap me down and shoot me up!

3) Your marketing tactics pet me on the head and stick a dog treat in my face.
So really, why are you watching this film? Is it because of the oscar winning plot where some guy tries to reenact the events of the first film and then the same stuff happens but slightly different? Or is it perchance because there's just something enticing about a film that DARES you to watch it? It tells me I can't so I MUST! That's it, fido! Go fetch ball!

4) Haha, yeah, it's real funny that they made a hilariously shit film!
My favourite part is the bit where they made money off us for it instead of a film that deserved my money for being y'know, not shit.

5) Well, I haven't seen the first one!