Sunday, 2 December 2012

Foodfight! - The worst animated film ever?

I was introduced to this film’s existence through stories of its horrible development history not too long ago, but when I saw the trailer, I knew in my heart what had to be done. I shone the Al-signal into the sky and waited in the blog-cave. For those who don’t know, which is probably going to be a lot of you, Foodfight! is an animated movie about store-brands fighting against the evil BRAND X. It was in the making for at least 10 years and stars the voice talents of Charlie Sheen, Christopher Lloyd, Eva Longoria, Wayne Brady, Hilary Duff... With a description like that, how could it fail?

I wonder who this could be.
Tobi’s weird hobby is making me watch the worst films he can find. Having obligingly watched everything he sent me, from Birdemic to Mars Needs Moms, I’m now no stranger to some of the worst movies ever. So bring it, FoodfightALLONEWORDWITHEXCLAMATIONMARK.

Not knowing what exactly to expect, we made a bingo sheet for this movie. Not a Foodfight! specific one, as we would normally have done, just a completely generic card that only applies to the most clichéd shit possible. We obtained 13 out of the possible 16 squares without even trying.

We even had to leave many other clichés out that would have been a bit as well, but we decided against it because expanding the bingo sheet would have been more work than the makers put into their entire film, and that’d be a bit weird.

So the trailer is really all you need to see to get a good feel of the tone and quality, but the part it leaves out is the baffling levels of sexual innuendo and thinly masked adult jokes. Dan the ebonic-voiced chocolate cereal themed Squirrel (I’m not kidding) spouts some really dank sexual harassment's at random women, and ‘Brand X’ mascot lady has some of the most drawn out ‘seduction scenes’ I've ever seen, involving her in a fetish school uniform wrapping her legs around a cartoon dog.

Haaa! You thought I was exaggerating didn't you?
Here’s a list of some of the worst, creepiest lines from the movie:

  • ‘It warms my heart the way you love my raisins, tough guy.’ 
  • ‘I wanna scrub your bubbles, Dex.’ 
  • 'Oh Mamasita! Yo, Sweet Cakes! Nice packaging! *makes curvaceous body feeling gesture* How about some chocolate frosting?’ 
  • "I'd like to butter your muffin" 
  • ‘Size only counts for men.’ 
  • ‘I’m gonna pop your corn, Lady.’

Remember that popular cameron diaz cat girl raisin brand?

Crap CG movies also tend to have terrible lessons, so here’s a list of some this movie puts forth:

  • Ugly people are bad and should be called out on being ugly, because facts are facts.
  • Big brands taking over the smaller ones is against the American way.
  • Believe in yourself, even if it’s ‘suicidal’.
  • Men can’t fight back against women, only women can fight women.
  • Nobody bats an eyelid at interspecies sexual harassment.
  • Brand names can somehow recall other brands.

'I'm not very good at animation, but wait... I have an idea.'

Other things of note:

  • The enemy army were BASICALLY nazis but with a napoleon-like caricature.
  • At least 3 instances of farting on people.
  • There’s one scene where Brand X lady strikes a pose and planes fly out from behind her crotch area.
  • There’s a creepy weasel character who looks like a dildo with the texture of a salami log.
  • Tobi wasn’t sure if he was awake or in a weird nightmare while watching this film.
  • If you think this movie looks about on par with a Nintendo 64 game, then you are correct.
  • This film’s budget was $65,000,000. Let that sink in.

They spent a lot on unpleasant textures.
I thought Hoodwinked was a disgustingly ugly movie and Alpha and Omega was even gnarlier than that. This lowered the bar so significantly that we had to make it fire-proof to survive the earth's core.

Congrats, ‘Foodfight!’.

I give this film a nightmarish hell world out of 10.

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