Allie and Tobi Watch an Anime

Tobi made us watch a 6 episode anime OVA called 'Golden Boy'. I didn't know what to expect, but after about 30 seconds I knew we would need to write some things about this.

I'd just like to stress that watching this was really not my idea.

Naked titties! This looks promising.

So each episode begins with a most hilarious intro in which a SUPER SERIOUS guy gets on his bike rides around on his bike... yeah that's it. And the theme music is like... it's sort of like the kind of tune you get when you've been put on hold.
It cannot be stressed enough how this opening sequence never stops being really strange and long, no matter how many times you see it.

Episode 1 - Golden Boy shows women how to do computers, women show everyone how coders dress.

Coders.

Tobi, Um... I think you might have accidentally got a fan dub? You know those things where internet 'comedians' do their own audio track with goofy voices.

No, as much as it sounds like Egoraptor riffing the show, I'm pretty sure this is the real deal. The English dub is the main reason I was told to watch this.

Yikes. This is one of THOSE animes, isn't it? The ones that aren't exactly porn but... basically are.

Finally, a way to consume gripping porn scenarios and acting, without having all that sex stuff getting in the way

So, this woman dressed like space hooker turns out to be part of an all-female software company, which is pretty cool... then the main character spends all the time creeping on them, including rubbing his face on the toilet seat (shenanigans! hoho!)  then he deletes all their data, then they get pissed, then he turns out to be a super genius and he rewrites it all better than it was before! IN YOUR FACE FEMINISM! Wait, what?


Episode 2: Golden Boy gets raped.

Yep, this right here is the running gag.

So the premise of the show is that this genius 20-something travels around the country taking odd jobs and learning life lessons. (by creeping on women)

This time around, our 'hero' is working for the re-election campaign of a crooked mayor. He ends up getting to know the politician's daughter. She takes an interest in our Golden Boy and plots to sexually harass him non-stop under the guise of tutoring.

It turns out her THANG is setting up men she meets as rapists and then reporting them to her gangster dad who then murders them I guess. Women, amirite?

We are subjected to a lot of Shy Anime Girl Sequences(TM) where she blushes and "accidentally" shows her underwear a lot. The then has internal monologues about how foolish our guy is for falling her for womanly tricks.

But the hero managed to get the better of her by making her feel sorry for him or something? And they all laugh it off like all the rape was no biggie. This has the creepiest part in the entire show, where the girl's father admits that the fact that the hero admitted to being a rapist (even though he wasn't) showed an unusual amount of honesty that might make him suitable husband material. 

What. The actual. Fuck.


Episode 3: Golden Boy makes noodles and does some White Knight-ing.

Tobi is that y-SORRY SORRY SORRY

This time our boy is working in a local noodle shop. There is a strange emptiness while watching the first 5 minutes of the episode already... as if something is missing. 

Oh, what?! He's actually not creeping on anyone for once.

Well, this is weird. I keep waiting for him to stick his head on a toilet seat like the last two episodes and it just hasn't happened.


The episode is about a charming stranger wooing the noodle shop owners' daughter. He seems clean, friendly and like he has his shit together... Something HAS to be up.
Allie, please disspell this mythical stand-up guy.

WOOP WOOP WOOP Cliche misogynist alert! I hope this guy isn't bad news for a naive small town girl.
There's a weird bit where the hero gets french kissed by the creepy dude who's trying to mac on the girl and misses. He's trying to marry his way into stealing the noodle shop, and has a real girlfriend on the side. Blah blah blah the hero saves the family business, tries to spare the girls feelings in a half-assed way, everyone eats noodles the end.

Maybe this show was only being creepy to bring in viewers and now it's going to get a bit more sensitive?


Episode 4: Golden Boy has bondage fantasies during children's swimming lessons.

See? It's just like drowning a puppy!

Golden Boy comes across a woman he keeps describing as 'wild', 'beast-like' and 'exotic'. I'm not sure what the deal with this is. Is this subtle racism? She has slightly darker of a skin-tone than the rest and he keeps making references to African savannah's (while fantasizing about her being a dominatrix.)

Our hero managed to somehow convince this woman that he could be a swimming instructor for little children. This is AFTER he's already popped a public boner from looking at women's crotches while just creepily hanging out outside the pool, and also after he's proved he can't swim. GOOD CHOICE.

To be fair, his swimming demonstration was pretty amazing


He got to work in the pool on the condition that he could beat the Olympic champion owner in x-amount of weeks in a swimming race. During practice he swam his face straight into her downstairs-business, which promptly got him his ass kicked and fired. Finally the first reasonable reaction to his bullshit. It's good to see an episode where they don't try to validate this guy's behaviour and character. The episode's over, right?

WRONG, the meat of the episode is actually that the hero teaches the swimming instructors to be more kind and caring with the children instead of forcing them underwater and stuff. He's actually pretty good with kids, so yet again the victims of his sexual abuse get to learn valuable lessons from him.


Episode 5: Golden Boy watches a woman have sex with a motorbike.

Terrible.

Golden Boy comes across a woman who appears to be dry-humping her motorcycle. Maybe she's just really into driving and hes fantasi-no.. wait... I think she really is humping the motorbike.

He goes to work in a TRADITIONAL JAPANESE establishment where the refined kimono wearing noble is secretly the thrill-seeking motorbike...humper. He gets fired again for rubbing his face all over the TRADITIONAL JAPANESE toilet. (I'm not joking.)

This is usually where the episode ends, but we're barely into this one. I'm dreading where they'll take this.

What he actually ends up doing is start camping outside of the TRADITIONAL JAPANESE establishment and stalks the aforementioned noble lady into an abandoned warehouse. Creepy, but nothing out of the ordinary for our hero. She then proceeds to hump her bike again, this time in nothing but a thong. After she insults the male sex a bit for being inadequate, she challenges him to a race. If he can catch her on her bike, she'll sleep with him.

Golden Boy pulls out some absolute Shia Labeouf style bullshit where he just flies through the air and cycles over power lines. It's sort of amusing that when he cycles he has to yell out his weird catch-phrase chant which is 'STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY' But it's still just the biggest load of bullshit I ever did see. He ends up launching himself off a cliff, and motorcycle chick feels slightly bad but is mostly in awe of his daredevil attitude and totally wants to bang him now. It turns out he's not dead, but he cycles away into the distance because that's just how he rolls.


Episode 6: Golden Boy doesn't jerk off half as much as the show's creators.

Animators! You so craaaayseh!

Oooh boy. Animation studio episode! I’m expecting self-referential humour here rather than an insightful gaze into the life of a Japanese animator.

Bingo! They're working under a super mean executive lady who yells at everyone and they have a ridiculous deadline to meet. Golden boy is the errands-boy and keeps going on about how amazing everyone job and work is and how talented they all are.

Tobi has apparently gone to the bathroom FOREVER so I'm going to finish this post solo. They talk about boobs and the creator is some dude who mostly does porn for a living, but for some reason they're making a short family-friendly film about small children and a demon.

Golden Boy gets all the women he met in the previous episodes to help out in some way to finish the animated film on time - the programmers do some CGI, the mafia daughter does voice acting, the motorcyclist delivers work, etc. I guess that's a cute idea for a way to end the series.

Cute like a rapist.

Well! That was Golden Boy. If you're easily offended, good news! This show will probably offend everyone else too. The voice acting makes it pretty easy to laugh your way through incredulously but there are probably better ways to waste 120 minutes of your precious, precious life.
I grade this an F-- out of 10. STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY harder next time!