Foodfight! - The worst animated film ever?

I was introduced to this film’s existence through stories of its horrible development history not too long ago, but when I saw the trailer, I knew in my heart what had to be done. I shone the Al-signal into the sky and waited in the blog-cave. For those who don’t know, which is probably going to be a lot of you, Foodfight! is an animated movie about store-brands fighting against the evil BRAND X. It was in the making for at least 10 years and stars the voice talents of Charlie Sheen, Christopher Lloyd, Eva Longoria, Wayne Brady, Hilary Duff... With a description like that, how could it fail?

I wonder who this could be.

Tobi’s weird hobby is making me watch the worst films he can find. Having obligingly watched everything he sent me, from Birdemic to Mars Needs Moms, I’m now no stranger to some of the worst movies ever. So bring it, FoodfightALLONEWORDWITHEXCLAMATIONMARK.

Not knowing what exactly to expect, we made a bingo sheet for this movie. Not a Foodfight! specific one, as we would normally have done, just a completely generic card that only applies to the most clichéd shit possible. We obtained 13 out of the possible 16 squares without even trying.

We even had to leave many other clichés out that would have been a bit as well, but we decided against it because expanding the bingo sheet would have been more work than the makers put into their entire film, and that’d be a bit weird.

So the trailer is really all you need to see to get a good feel of the tone and quality, but the part it leaves out is the baffling levels of sexual innuendo and thinly masked adult jokes. Dan the ebonic-voiced chocolate cereal themed Squirrel (I’m not kidding) spouts some really dank sexual harassment's at random women, and ‘Brand X’ mascot lady has some of the most drawn out ‘seduction scenes’ I've ever seen, involving her in a fetish school uniform wrapping her legs around a cartoon dog.

Haaa! You thought I was exaggerating didn't you?

Here’s a list of some of the worst, creepiest lines from the movie:

• ‘It warms my heart the way you love my raisins, tough guy.’ 
• ‘I wanna scrub your bubbles, Dex.’ 
• 'Oh Mamasita! Yo, Sweet Cakes! Nice packaging! *makes curvaceous body feeling gesture* How about some chocolate frosting?’ 
• "I'd like to butter your muffin" 
• ‘Size only counts for men.’ 
• ‘I’m gonna pop your corn, Lady.’

Remember that popular cameron diaz cat girl raisin brand?

Crap CG movies also tend to have terrible lessons, so here’s a list of some this movie puts forth:

• Ugly people are bad and should be called out on being ugly, because facts are facts.
• Big brands taking over the smaller ones is against the American way.
• Believe in yourself, even if it’s ‘suicidal’.
• Men can’t fight back against women, only women can fight women.
• Nobody bats an eyelid at interspecies sexual harassment.
• Brand names can somehow recall other brands.

'I'm not very good at animation, but wait... I have an idea.'

Other things of note:

• The enemy army were BASICALLY nazis but with a napoleon-like caricature.
• At least 3 instances of farting on people.
• There’s one scene where Brand X lady strikes a pose and planes fly out from behind her crotch area.
• There’s a creepy weasel character who looks like a dildo with the texture of a salami log.
• Tobi wasn’t sure if he was awake or in a weird nightmare while watching this film.
• If you think this movie looks about on par with a Nintendo 64 game, then you are correct.
• This film’s budget was $65,000,000. Let that sink in.

They spent a lot on unpleasant textures.

I thought Hoodwinked was a disgustingly ugly movie and Alpha and Omega was even gnarlier than that. This lowered the bar so significantly that we had to make it fire-proof to survive the earth's core.

Congrats, ‘Foodfight!’.

I give this film a nightmarish hell world out of 10.

Five favourite movies x2

It's that time of year again, girls and boys. We're doing another list thingy, but because finding a consensus in rather person things can be quite difficult, we decided to cut a big top 10 into two smaller of five. This has the added benefit of putting on Hard Mode in our co-op lists: Picking your own entries, but not being able to defend your choices yourself. If your picks are being misrepresented, then tough luck. This time we'll be doing one where we'll pick 5 of our all-time favourite movies in no particular order. Let's get things started.

Mr Tobi’s List, described by Ms Allie

Amadeus

'OLOLOLOLOLOL' - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart 1775

I watched Amadeus with Tobi a while ago, and I pretty quickly could see why its in anyones faves. It’s a long and exhausting film, you know the kind that’s both dramatic and subtle and thoroughly high brow, but it’s particularly thought provoking to anyone who’s any kind of artist. This film has special significance to Tobi in a way that many films strike certain people at just the right times in your life. It’s something that we both totally get: the envy and agony of being an artist in a world where other artists exist. In this fake-historical-biography-type-thing, Salieri meets his musical hero, Mozart, to discover that he’s an obnoxious fucked up kid. There’s the horrible raging resentment over someone you perceive as far more talented than you who is nothing like you and just an awful human being and a waste of all this talent they somehow have, and then the growing pity overcomes the rage as you watch them drown in the waters of life because they’re still just a fucked up kid (and also you sabotaged their life a bit) . It has the spirit of a revenge flick dragged out over a lifetime and ending in utter regret. But it’s also a pretty fruity and thrilling flick with plenty of melodrama resulting in (unintentional?) lols.

The Good The Bad & The Ugly

Character possibly inspired by shifty-eyes-dog.gif.

I’m not sure why people like this film LOADS. I think it’s very atmospheric and immersive in a kinda seven samurai or lord of the rings way, so it’s probably that. There’s a lot of classic western stuff; dramatic closeups, catchy barebones sound track, mexican standoffs, mexicans sitting down, etc. I think what stood out most for Tobi though was the political commentary angle, when the characters get involved in the civil war that’s been going on the whole time and you get this officer who explains what it’s like from the perspective of the people fighting the war. They’re wasting time and lives for some kind of theoretical victory - in his case simply the destruction of one crappy bridge.

Back To The Future

Look out, Marty! It's another geek referencing hoverboards!

Everyone loves back to the future. It’s a whimsical 80’s film with action and high school boyfantasies. It’s got memorable characters, satisfying endings, a fluffy dog, etc. There’s something great about playing with the concept of time travel and exploring what kinda hilarious dilemmas and easter eggs could happen (see also: Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure). So many shows and films have borrowed from BTTF that it seems pretty vanilla nowadays, but it’ll always be one of the most universally watchable films.

Ratatouille

If a rat can cook, why can't my flatmates?

Ratatouille is one of the slightly less popular Pixar gems, probably because the story is a little weird and the main characters aren’t particularly charismatic or even likeable. But where this film really shines is that kinda ‘Brad Bird magic’, the inspirational philosophies constantly spouted by Remy’s role model (that dead chef guy) and all these really beautiful sentimental moments that happen throughout the film. There’s this amazing bit where the ‘antagonistic’ food critic has a sudden moment of nostalgia, and for some reason it just makes me and Tobi tear up a little (or so I believe). It also has a really sweet colour scheme of blue and copper throughout the film, though I don’t know if Tobi considers that a major factor.

John Carpenter's The Thing

I've got a the thing for these guys.

I’m still kinda surprised that this is one of Tobi’s absolute favourites. It’s a terrifying gorey bodyshock horror film using some brilliantly raw looking stop motion effects to achieve what is still one of the nastiest looking ‘monsters’ in horror films. But I mean this all in a good way, which is why im not THAT surprised by Tobis choice. The reason The Thing is so terrifying is because it’s a horror film done right - it’s all about the tension between the survivors, but there’s a looming threat that doesn’t disappoint, and the tone of the film is bleak and unrelenting. I didn’t like the miserable ending, but when I have to think about it, I wouldn’t want to change the ending, so yeah.

So in summary, Tobi’s selections are a pretty broad range of stuff, he’s prettymuch just gone and picked a film from every major genre. He chose films that are generally accepted by the mainstream to be of high quality, but only because he agrees with that. I think all his choices had some very memorable bit in them that really stood out to him and affected him personally, whether it’s something that warmed his heart or chilled him to the core.

Ms Allie’s List, described by Mr Tobi

Tremors

You might not have heard of this, it's pretty underground.

If I know my Allienese, and I do, I’m going to say that she primarily likes this movie because if the monstars. Tremors is a pretty corny, yet dope monster/adventure movie with pretty awesome characters. There’s some poop and pee jokes in there, but I don’t think she particularly cares about that very much. The monsters are creative and, in a weird way, kind of plausible. I think the designs of the Graboids, the worm-like creatures in the film, kind of resonated with her because I see some of its design philosophy back into her own monster designs. The characters themselves are kind of silly, but unlike most monster-movies, they don’t really do a whole lot of things wrong. The thing it does differently from most monster movies is that it takes place during the day and it actually seems pretty “child-friendly”. It’s kind of hokey, but I really enjoyed this movie too... aside from Melvin. Fuck that guy and I pray to every available God that Allie doesn’t find his bullshit amusing. If there was ever a guy that deserved to get gored in a monster movie, it would be this asshole. Sadly enough the series has no sense of justice on that front.

Terminator 2

I give this a thumbs up while slowly descending into molten steel.

Terminator 2 is a lot of things. It’s pretty much the bar to reach in terms of action movies, an interesting sci-fi story, as well as -the- example of a great sequel. It’s hard to nail down why this movie works so well, especially when it comes to guessing what parts of it particularly appealed to her. If you ignore the action parts of most films in the genre, you usually don’t have a whole lot of material to discuss. The Terminator series actually has a lot going on to flesh out the world and the events, both in the present and inevitable future. First of all you have the lead character, T-800, who returned from the first movie, but as a ‘good guy’ this time around. He doesn’t really know a whole lot aside from combat, so throughout the movie he gets taught what it is like to be more human. Then we have the Connors; an ass-kicking lady and her a pretty capable son. It’s pretty rare when both women and children are represented fairly well in action movies, but Terminator 2 nails both. Sarah sort of lost her mind and has severe trust issues due to knowing about the impending doom of humanity and John has a serious case of the early 90s. All in all, it’s a pretty exciting, but also kind of smart movie, so I totally understand why it’s on her list.

Ghostbusters

Blogging makes me FEEL GOOD

I was pretty damn close to putting Ghostbusters on my own list. It was a cultural phenomenon and just pretty close to a perfect, endlessly quotable movie. The core concept was original, the writing is brilliant, the cast has great chemistry and it’s just a fantastic ride from start to finish. Ghostbusters had this great blend of paranormal stuff that just really spoke to you when you were younger. It was like cartoony, but still felt spooky enough to give it some impact when it needed to. Throw in a layer of dorky sciencey stuff you have a recipe for success. I know Allie has a big fondness of pretty much every cast member in this movie, and I don’t think it’s a big stretch to think it’s exactly -because- of this film.

Laputa: Castle in the Sky

That's a nice flower sir but we're looking for the WMDs.

Weeeeeeeeeaaaaaabboooooooo aaaleeert... :x Oh OK, I must admit, Studio Ghibli is pretty amazing and Castle in the Sky is probably one of their best. The movie has a great sense of adventure and looks fantastic. The only downsides are that the two lead characters are kind of dull and that the last quarter of the movie is kind of weak. You have all this build-up to how amazing Laputa is and when they actually get there, I can’t help but feel a bit underwhelmed each time. In spite of that, you have a great cast of side characters that just always make you smile. The skypirates in particular are strangely endearing and the villain seems to have his shit all figured out. It’s just a fun movie for the most part and looks amazing. It’s no surprise to me that someone that got into art would be all over it.

Mr Vampire

Hey chillax it's just my Taoist zombie army.

I didn’t see this one until fairly recently and probably wouldn’t have watched it if missy here didn’t make me watch it. I’m super glad she did though. It’s this odd mixture of martial arts with comedy and the supernatural. It’s the sort of thing you would associate with Jackie Chan’s oeuvre. The flow of the movie’s action and comedy is so smooth that you might even consider it a work of art. So the basic premise is that "Chinese vampires" (Google it) are sealed and turned into furniture or pets or slaves or I really don’t know what. When a vampire gets unsealed, it starts running (read: hopping) amok. One of the main characters gets infected by the vampire’s bite and has to spend the remainder of the movie to fend off his transformation. It’s just an absolutely crazy and memorable film.


Now to close this off, I couldn’t help but notice the big pattern of sci-fi adventures and monsters in all of these. The only odd one out is Laputa, though it still has a technologically advanced city and ro-bros. I think it all these things stress the creative angle of the stories and visuals.


And that's a wrap, folks. I don't think we've taught the world a whole lot about ourselves, but at least now we have some insight in how people will judge you when you mention you like certain flicks.

HYTIB's top 20 'babes' of animation.

Ok, it's not really making fun of anything if you're actually just jumping on the bandwagon. It's just sad.

..

REGARDLESS, we watched Nostalgia Chick's top 10 list of animated hot guys, in which she pansied out of giving her own choices in favour of listening to 'the vocal majority'. And we thought: we could do that better. We could nut the fuck up and make our own list, AND instead of being able to defend our own choices, our partner will have to be the one to critique our weird and creepy confessions, and laugh and be slightly disturbed at what we learn about each other today. 

Oh, and both genders each, because bitches, that's actual equality.

Allie

Mans

5. Piccolo (Dragon Ball Z)

'....the hell am i wearing?'

A ripped, tall, angry, green alien guy? We're starting off well aren't we? Let's see what else we have here. Dude has an ice cold demeanour, pink bulging muscles, poofy pants, turban and the biggest shoulder pads in the free world. Another thing that I seemed to remember is that he's of a single-sex species that throws up eggs. I suppose there are also two of Piccolo if you're into that sort of thing, but one of them is an old man. He's also ambitious in the sense that he's tried to take over the world a few times. I'm not sure if I understand the appeal here.

4. James (Pokemon)

LOOK HE IS JUST FABULOUS, OK?

Ah, damn. I wish I would have thought of James. He's a true champ. Born rich, but pursues a life of poverty to escape the shackles of a privileged life, just so he can be free. He's got a wicked collection of things that I can't remember, but he most certainly has got it. James also loves roses and being all-around fabulous. He's also an experienced hole-digger and looks amazing in a bikini. Did I mention he's also in a gang? That bad boy.

3. Roronoa Zoro (One Piece)

A sword in your mouth? Why would you even...

Fuck yeah, Zorro's on this lis-oh it's someone completely different. Just going by the fact that he wields three swords makes me believe this guy looks like he's overcompensating and not very bright, but he does have great teeth. I wonder if he's natural green-haired guy. Being a pirate means his life is full of adventure and tussles with the law. I'm starting to worry about this pattern of criminals though.

2. Maes Hughes (Fullmetal Alchemist)

He can turn lead into gold, and knees into jelly.

Finally, someone who isn't a villain for once. Now Mr Hughes is a dreamboat and a bro. He's a snappy dresser, great family man, social and silly, but still knows when he has to be serious. I spite of annoying his friends and family on purpose, the guy is kind and loyal to them  all the time and supports them, even if he disagrees. He's also got a sick beard and wears a uniform.

1. Vash the Stampede (Trigun)

Yes yes, he has a big gun.

Now Vash is a weird one. He's a nice guy who likes to stay low profile, so he keeps trying to act incompetent to get out of having do this. Turns out he's actually good at what he does... "shootin' dudes". However this does bring up an issue because he doesn't believe in killing. So we end up with a pacifist gunman. The boy's rocking a Vanilla Ice haircut and is his body is covered in scars from top to bottom. I heard the wimmins dig scars and if that's even remotely true, then it doesn't surprise me he's rocking the first place here. LAB AND PEAS

Womans

 

5. Francine Smith (American Dad)

I like my women like I like my coffee: Batshit fucking crazy.

Ah, Francine. Your typical cartoon trophy-wife, except she turns out to have an actual character. Francine is all sorts of hilariously crazy and apparently a bit of a thrill-seeker. She considers George Clooney to be a knob too, which is a plus in my book.

4. American Maid (The Tick)

Sorry, no entiendo 'stop hitting me with your shoe'.

OK, I don't really know who this, so I'm going to have to make blind assumptions about the appeal again. So this lady appears to be a superhero. She appears to be pretty patriotic, going by the design of her outfit. I'm not really into the whole maid thing, but I won't judge Allie if she is. Oh wait, her name is also a pun. Puns are catnip for Allie.

3. Anthy Himemiya (Revolutionary Girl Utena)

Not much junk but plenty of baggage.

Oh boy. I knew this was coming. So this bug-eyed anime girl has glasses, purple hair and one of the very few dark-skinned animated protagonists that I know of. From what I understand, she has both a shy schoolgirl and an extrovert warrior princess in uniform thing going on. She also has a thing for the ladies. Is there something you'd like to tell us, Allie?

2. Janine (The Real Ghostbusters)

I wonder who she's going to call..

Now this I get. Janine Melnitz is a nasal, snarky and sassy redhead secretary that understands the art of late-night snacking. While it often seems like she only gives just enough shits to keep her job, she does seem to have her heart in the right place. It’s been alluded a few times that bustin’ would make her feel good too, but I haven’t seen enough of the show that she actually got a shot at it. She loves to rock lots of tacky, kitschy things,  mini-skirts and pointy old-lady glasses. Rawr.

1. Carmen Sandiego (Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego)

Where in the world is my innocence?

It's been another while since we had another villain in here. Carmen isn't so much a professional as she is an educational troll. This stylish badass likes to pull off astonishing heists and outwit the brightest minds on the planet. Carmen is mysterious, not just because she knows how to fly under the radar, but also because she dresses like Darkwing Duck. But yeah, I totally get it. She's an ambitious badgirl girl long wavy hair. I also made it through this entire paragraph without even referencing Where Is Waldo once!

Tobi 

Mans

5. Kronk Pepikrankenitz (Emperor’s New Groove)

Human sacrifice? What about just some samosas this time? Guys?

Aww, isn’t he just a cutie pie!? Good choice actually. This kinda ex-henchman typical airheaded brute is a super genius chef, and talks to squirrels or something? He’s underappreciated  for his talents and always eager to please, he’d probably be a dreamy boyfriend, if a little subservient? He’s not so competent in the business of evil schemes but he’s got his shit together in the kitchen.

4. Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

A typical Canadian.

Gotta be honest, man, it’s been a while since I saw the turtles cartoon. I don’t really remember this guy to well, but I believe he’s a sortof ghetto vigilante out to help the turtles? He’s got a mid 90s ripped jeans and tank top thing going on, and carrying around a bunch of sports equipment like he’s playing legend of zelda in the schoolyard. Not sure what I make of that. Part of me wonders if he’s a really swell guy, or if Tobi is just a total 90s kid sports nerd.

3. Launchpad McQuack (Ducktales)

But... ducks can already fly...

HAHAHAHA Launchpad :’) He is a duck! He’s like got an Indiana Jones thing going on, only derpier. And he can’t land a plane.

2. Dean McCoppin (Iron Giant)

Sorry, 'bro', I work with derwent, not faber-castell.

A nice character with a lot of personality from a really decent film. However, there is a reason that I call him ‘Douchey McSoulpatch.’ Dude is an ‘artiste’. He’s so... well... you know, right? Right? LOOK AT HIS TINY BEARD. 

1. Maes Hughes (Fullmetal Alchemist)

LOOK AT PICTURE OF MY CHILD

Fact that this guy made it on both our lists is sayin’ something. He’s the perfect man except for the being dead thing. He’s crazy for his wife and daughter, he winds all his coworkers up in such a cute way, but he has to pay the price for having the most integrity and bravery of them all. I’d love to be his wife except for the bit where he dies and that’s really really sad. Also he’s pretty in the face.

Womans

 

5. Nani Pelekai (Lilo & Stitch)

Dat nose. You want to beep it.

The forgotten Disney babe, Nani has got it going on. She’s fun-loving and curvaceous and runs around in a bikini a lot (man, it’s Hawaii though). She’s hard working and sensitive, but she’s also pretty immature and short-tempered, but then her little sister and stitch are pretty terrible. I guess I like that she’s kinda ‘real’. She’s not some sweet voiced princess and she’ll never get to be.

4. Elizabeth Hoover (The Simpsons)

There are no Google images of her not looking disapproving

lolwut? Heh... ok.. wow uh... yeah. Lisa’s schoolteacher. I guess this is no worse than my Francene choice though. Miss Hoover is cynical and irate... but I guess she has that geek chick thing going on? She’s like less creepy than Edna Krabappel, and less tedious than Maude Flanders.

3. Toronga Leela (Futurama)

Next to ducks and aliens, mutants seem...meh.

I’m kinda glad in a weird way that Tobi seems to be into cranky bitches. Makes me feel a little better. Leela is a kinda cheesy ‘butt-kicking’ babe. She’s kindof a sucker when it comes to men though, and she’s pretty violent and short tempered. She switches between being the only rational one and being the maniacal vengeful psychopath.

2. April O’Neil (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

Also she shares my passion for pockets. :')

April is always on dude’s lists. I think it might be the yellow jumpsuit. There’s something about women in onesies... Also nobody believes me when I point out that she’s got massive jugs, but she TOTALLY does. April is always trying to help the turtles, but I believe she always just gets captured. It’s not usually due to her own incompetence though, I mean she is up against a bunch of ninjas and a giant mutant warthog and rhino. And that dude who is like a brain in a human suit. Anyway, she’s pretty sassy I guess. Punches above her weight and courage is pretty sexy.

1. Velma Dinkley (Scooby Doo)

Oh Jinkies, Tobi. *giggle*

Heehee x) So cute! Any guy who votes for velma is a big fat vote for nerd girls. Velma has low self esteem written all over her with the big bulky jumper and 70s folk singer haircut. But she’s the one who carries the team every time! She uses her technical knowledge and critical eye to figure out the mysteries while everyone else just derps around eating sandwiches and being pretty. She should have been the star of the show, but instead she’s just backup for the worlds wimpiest great dane and his pet tramp. At least we all know better.

So now we know more than we ever needed to: Allie is a japanophile, Tobi is a furry but only for ducks, and frankly, badboys are nearly impossible to avoid because apparently the rule of cartoons is male characters are either vapid princes, evil, or children. Also geek chicks rule, no bias here...

But you know what else we learned? We ain't chicken.

Bad Movie Bingo

OK so there's this game Tobi and I like to play when we're watching a movie that we really don't have high expectations for. It's pretty simple. Without knowing more about a film than the trailer, we make predictions of horrible cliches that we expect the film to fulfil. Then we fill a bingo card and see how well we do.

It's a great game for if you're frequently forced by peers or loved ones to watch films you're not expecting to enjoy, or if you're just a movie masochist like us. Oh, and

*~SPOILER ALERT!~*

Well, an entire CGI film based entirely around a rather weak pun. I'm sure you're all wondering why on earth we expected this to suck balls and be full of dumb jokes? A lot of our proposals were slightly tipped off by the nature of the trailer, but nothing guaranteed of course. Still, it managed 4 lines.

Gnomeo and Juliette is an insulting retelling of a classic tale based around a single pun. If it wasn't for the fact that we were playing this bingo game, I would have bailed after 20 minutes. The movie has zero redeeming qualities and isn't even fun to mock. You know your project is poisonous when people don't even want to give your trailer a chance.

Score: 4x bingo

 

Oh my god this movie is as BORING as it is sexist. So this kid is a little shit that doesn't appreciate his mum and then his mum gets kidnapped by aliens. This alien planet is completely ran by authoritarian women and the men are banished into the garbage landfill. The blokes don't mind this because they are stupid uneducated hicks anyway. Then blah blah bullshit happens and we learn the valuable lesson that mums are people too.

I would rate this as the worst film on on BMB so far, and that's saying something. It's got the uncanny valley aspect of polar express, the tedium of polar express, the lack of imagination of polar express, and you get the idea. But where the polar express was sickeningly christmassy, this was just... kinda sickening. Also, guys, don't mocap adults for children models. I could actually tell it was Seth Green, and that was weird.

Score: 2x bingo

Where it says 'suspicious lion king similarities' that should be underlined in red marker. It was like watching a furry fanfiction written, directed and animated by everyone from the lion king fanart community, which yes, is a thing. This film about wolves trying to get their 'howl' on with each other was straight-up creepy.

I'd say you have already seen this movie without seeing it, but that would be a lie. There are few movies that are as formulaic as this one, but the execution here is just dreadful. One of the ugliest movies we have seen in our entire lives and I can't stress enough how awkward that whole 'howling' thing was.

Score: 2x bingo

Sweet! Our bingo sheet has a Zorro sign. Topical! This movie is pretty much a parody movie of a spaghetti western, but with lots of cats being hispanic stereotypes. Surprisingly enough it wasn't shit. Another shocker was the lack of 'cat' puns! Lots of 'egg' ones though.

Ok so this one was better than I expected. I kinda really dug humpty dumpty's animation, it really cracked me up (haaa) and out of all of these terrible movies, this one is probably the only one worth seeing. I'm not saying the story was particularly good and the gags are hit and miss, but... eh.. I liked it. I know a lot of people don't like shrek films though, so WHATEVER. Go ahead and watch mars needs moms then. I dare ya.


Allie, please. You don't want that on your conscience.

Score: 3x bingo

5 Reasons why I would rather stick my face in a pail of earwig larvae than watch The Human Centipede 2

So I read this EXCITING article the other day about how the sequel to 'Shock Value Gets All The Kids Watchin' had to make a fuck ton of cuts to the film for it to be legal to show to anyone, because strangely enough, a certain level of simulated snuff torture porn is apparantly illegal in this country. There must be some kind of crazy reason why the government would consider it unwholesome that we want to spend our day watching misogenistic sexual torture for our own personal pleasure. I don't know, maybe it's a tax thing?

So naturally, everyone seems yet again desperately eager to see the 'lol dont worry I can take it im hardcore nothing phases me' film of the year. Here's some reasons I won't be joining you in the cinema.

1) I'm not massively insecure about my ability to 'handle nasty shit'.
So you watched that bit in saw where the guy cuts his leg off without closing your eyes? Here, have a medal. I bet your friends are impressed at your ability to potentially be a surgeon, except for the fact that you aren't smart, dedicated or skillful enough.

2) I wouldn't fuck a teenager just because he/she's barely legal.
Ah, but the novelty value of the ALMOST BANNED thing. The not-quite-forbidden fruit. That means it's seductive and desireable. If heroin suddenly became legal, then for heaven's sake strap me down and shoot me up!

3) Your marketing tactics pet me on the head and stick a dog treat in my face.
So really, why are you watching this film? Is it because of the oscar winning plot where some guy tries to reenact the events of the first film and then the same stuff happens but slightly different? Or is it perchance because there's just something enticing about a film that DARES you to watch it? It tells me I can't so I MUST! That's it, fido! Go fetch ball!

4) Haha, yeah, it's real funny that they made a hilariously shit film!
My favourite part is the bit where they made money off us for it instead of a film that deserved my money for being y'know, not shit.

5) Well, I haven't seen the first one!