HYTIB Reviews Eurovision 2014 Semi-finals Part 1: No Mercy!

For this annual display of continental shame, we have a special guest star! The lovely Leanne, who will be using a tantalising turquoise font!

Here's how it goes down: We write some live comments, and then there's a little scorebox at the end for our final 'score' (snarky opinion).We hope you enjoy this half as much as we did, but we'll settle for a quarter.

1 Armenia: Aram MP3 - Not Alone

Metroid Prime 3 is not what it used to be.

His flag looks kind of shit.

I think it looks.... flagbulous.

BOOOOOO! Come on, Leanne. Boo with me.

<insert authentic boos of agreement with Tobi>

Ohhh! hes going for the microsoft advert style dubstep. Of course. Also I like how hes neo from matrix.

I like the really intense backgrounds and effects on a really tame song

Allie	Leanne	Tobi
laaaame	:|	Boring

2 Latvia: Aarzemnieki - Cake to Bake

Isn’t this a LazyTown song?

I kinda hope so. Also is everyone's theme gonna be taking photos of their food? I feel like I fell asleep and woke up in instagram.

It’s Lazy Town quality anyway. They even look like they belong there.

Allie	Leanne	Tobi
pretty fuckin baked	Lazytown/10	Dough more your best next time

3 Estonia: Tanja - Amazing

Oh look its the crew of the nostromo! Watch out for xenos.

Oh god, it’s one of those songs that are in English and yet I can’t understand what they are singing.

I don’t think this lives up to its name.  I want approximately ten refunds.

DUDE IN WHITE PANTS! ...lady in diaper?

*drinks*

Allie	Leanne	Tobi
Not amazing	AMAZING...not	Not amazing

4 Sweden: Sanna Nielsen - Undo

She is good at blowing job.

Leeet it goooooooooooo~

Come on. She even has a laser ice palace and snowflakes glisten in the background.

Yeah I think you nailed it.

(thoughts may or may not be stolen from Lee)

Quick turn his text green!

Her ice-laser palace got hella big.

Shame she didn’t make a laser golem though.

Allie	Leanne	Tobi
Ctrl+z	Olaf/10	My brain already let it go

5 Iceland: Pollapönk - No Prejudice

I wonder if that solitary woman you can hear going WOOOOOOOOOOOOH is like, their Mum or something.

“No prejudice”? Nice try, guys. Your name is POLLAPÖNK. You can’t name yourself that and then ask for that.

Stylish as fuck.

bubububububububu. I think they met at a beard club. Oh wait, I think we have our first rainbow entry. Yknow. Russia and that.

Did the green guy get sick?

Maybe he was the talented guy.

I like the 3D floor cubes.  How very 90s screensaver.

Not bad I guess, for a slightly political entry. Good for them.

I’m pretty sure I’m not the same as them on the inside.

Allie	Leanne	Tobi
bubububububu-ok	RAINBOWS	Missed green, but it was ok

6 Albania: Hersi - One Night's Anger

Whoa she got a whole tat just for this competition.

They should have sent the Sparrow instead of Edna Mode. NO CAPES

I really hate her voice… and her disco pants suit made out of golden doilies.

Aw geez its the obligatory folky entry.

WATCH OUT ITS AN ICEBERG

Allie	Leanne	Tobi
Nightwishful thinking	thankYEEEEW for stopping	NO CAPES

7 Russia: Tolmachevy Sisters - Shine

Russia loves they some girlduos.

I hope they’re actually tied together by their hair.

AW.

TEETER TOTTER OMG I am way into this now.

NO! Get back on there. Now the other lady can’t play!

The fuck is a teeter totter, Belgian? Do you mean a seesaw?
That see-saw defied physics!

This is fairly fabulous tho.

I can’t paid attention to the song though.

The obnoxious lightshow distracted nicely from the boring song.

Allie	Leanne	Tobi
Pretty Shiny, Mal.	I’m blind	TEETER TOTTER

8 Azerbaijan: Dilara Kazimova - Start a Fire

If they don’t actually start a fire then this is the worst song bar none.

But it was always burning, since the world’s been turning

Twins AGAIN?

And this one is on the jungle gym. Playground twins are hip.

Man this is a dirge For my attentionspan. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Can I go to bed now?

No.

Allie	Leanne	Tobi
If you started a fire I’d die in my sleep	I’m asleep now.	Not with a bang, but a whimper

9 Ukraine: Mariya Yaremchuk - Tick-Tock

This is funky. ...but then she sang.

Pretty funky. Obligatory flirty and vaguely s&m-ish love song entry.

Dude in the hamster wheel is powering all the special effects on the stage.

What do hamsters have to do with clocks?

Modern clocks don’t need to be wound anymore. Is her heart outdated and unwanted? :X

YAY I BROUGHT MY BEDSHEET TO EUROVISION

Allie	Leanne	Tobi
Ticked some boxes.	Tock tick?	Zzzzz

10 Belgium: Axel Hirsoux - Mother

Really? We can choose to represent your country any way you like and he chose “laundry”?

HAHAHAHAHA BELGIUM HAHAHAHAH THIS IS ALREADY GOLD. Laundry and mummys boy song!

He needs your love, Tobi.  Go give him your Belgian love.

“You are a dead mother”? 8|

SOULMATE?! 8|

"IM WEAK, YOUR BRIDE" 8|

IM DYING THIS IS AMAZING XD You guys you guys im dying oh god

Allie	Leanne	Tobi
*DED*	Knitting time	Sorry/10

11 Moldova: Cristina Scarlat - Wild Soul

Don’t let me down Moldova.  I’m serious.

Good point, Moldova’s always got the cray cranked.

Mother of Dragons isn’t from Moldova.

Yes. Yes to this. Game of Dubz

I like her dress though. It complements her slaves.

Slaves and she is singing about having no mercy or patience.

Disney villain confirmed.

Even so, this seems almost too normal!

..did she just pull her hair off?

And half her jacket.

Allie	Leanne	Tobi
Yes	11 because Moldova	Be Prepared

12 San Marino: Valentina Monetta - Maybe

Ok im just gonna say what everyone else is thinking. This is arse.

Arsome

It’s a bathroom break song.

This isn’t making me feel any less tired.

May Bee find the power to stay awake.

Allie	Leanne	Tobi
Nope.	Nah.	Maybe, but probably not

13 Portugal: Suzy - Quero ser tua

Wait, we heard “some great songs”?  What?

First non-English song of the evening!

Wow ok shes basically nude.

Don’t you mean “wow-wa-weh-wuh-wey”?

Poison Ivy should stick to villainy, since music isn’t her forte.

Allie	Leanne	Tobi
bluh.	Okay?	Blah-blah-bleh-blah-bleh.

14 Netherlands: The Common Linnets - Calm After the Storm

Nerderlands are usually good for a laugh.

This sure is authentic to the feeling of being bored on a long trip.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to play your instruments in the middle of a road.

This sounds like 'every breath you take' by the police.

Yeah, it’s pretty similar.

I actually do like the backing visuals a lot though. But yeah, super dull song.

Allie	Leanne	Tobi
A little bit country, a little bit toss and turn.	Tears of my boredom	Roadkill.

15 Montenegro: Sergej Ćetković - Moj svijet

My serious guy singing a ballad in a foreign language sensor is going off.

DING DING DING.

Isn’t this that Titanic Song?

I wish we were listening to some Celine right now. :<

Fuck I love eastern euro accents tho.

Poor skater girl fell over and no one helped her get up.

SHE WAS A SKATER GIRL, HE SAID SEE YA LATER GIRL

I like to imagine that is what the song is about.

I like the effect though on the stage. It reminds me of Okami.

Oh yeah! That is nice.

Allie	Leanne	Tobi
Cold reception	I dunno, really.	I already forgot

16 Hungary: András Kállay-Saunders - Running

<Obligatory being hungry joke.>

Oh boy some angst! About time. xD

HEY NOW DON'T BAIL. WE ARE STUCK HERE AND YOU ARE TOO.

I cry, cry, cry every time I have to watch Eurovision. :|

“Daddy leave me alone”? What is it this year with weird parental stuff? :|

It’s alright now.  The song’s over.

Allie	Leanne	Tobi
Hungary was here, Ash is a loser.	why Why WHY??!	Gotta go fast.

Conclusion: lol belgium omg. *teases tobi forever*. Stay tuned for part 2 later this week.

Review: Final Fantasy 4

Alrighty, onto the second game...which is actually the fourth game. Figure that one out. So this one pretty much marks the dawn of the Final Fantasy series we know today, and set the standards for the genre. Lots of characters, melodrama and active time battles and stuff. Did you know anything about this game going in it? Considering this one is based on characters and story, I can imagine some of it must have reached you.

I knew sweet FA about this game. I didn't know Rydia, Cecil, anyone really. I figured it would be a step up from FF1. That's pretty much it. I knew the final fantasy series famously has summons, moogles, chocobos, and some guy called Cid. but I didn't really know where exactly in the series each of those things came in.

Well truth be told, I had already played this before and most of the characters didn't stick either. Seeing how much they focused on cutscenes, story and characters this time around, you’d think it would all be more memorable. Aside from the infamous “You spoony bard” line, there wasn't a ton I remembered from the game. In fact, looking back to it, I'm still struggling to remember what happened. Care you recap what you still remember?

**SPOILER WARNING MAYBE??**

So Cecil was some kinda warrior and he had an inner struggle and became a paladin. He had a battle-waifu called Rosa but she stayed home for like the first few chapters for some reason. Some young couple got introduced and then like one died and one went in a coma. There was a bunch of kingdoms.. Cecil and token-betraying-best friend-guy wrecked Rydia’s village and then felt bad and tried to help her but she went into a monster land and came back out as a post-pubescent summoner. Two mage kids sacrificed themselves to save you from a death trap, a lot of people sacrificed themselves but then just showed up later being like ‘Yo I guess I survived’ and then you all went to the moon with a magical old man and also there was this one really effing cool boss that was like a wall with a Giger alien that slowly got closer and closer to you and that was my favourite bit.

"Han Solo has seen better days."

All in all, I think they put a lot in place, but didn't really know how to use it effectively yet. The very first boss made good use of the fact that the battle system was an active one, but after that I don’t really recall them using it again. Going from the first one to number four, do you think you've had three games worth of advancements?

Yeah generally I think it suffers from an information overload without much kinda structure and without enough really simple stuff that holds the plot together. It feels like you spend a lot of time jumping from location to location, and the main characters in your team keep suddenly changing.

"Huhuhuhuhuhu...[/Vince Masuka]"

Compared to the first game, I think a lot of the basic things like controls and visuals have upgraded to a point where its much more pleasant to play, but the busy yet shallow plot kinda makes it hard to care. The mechanics are also pretty standard JRPG and the game still suffers from a lack of guidance in what the spells and weapons actually do a lot of the time.

I agree. This is one of the most ported and remade games in the series. For some reason they never really changed all that much every time they touched it again.. Clearly one of the fan-favourites of the developer. If you were in charge of a remake, what would you have done differently? I think I’d change a lot, but I'm not sure where to begin.

That's kind of tough, because I think the games biggest flaw is its whole core story. It’s not even a bad game in principle but its a lost cause in terms of making something more memorable without starting from scratch. I guess if I could make a few cosmetic tweaks I would: 1) have better localisation and guide to using items. For example, you shouldn't have to use ‘item’, do through your inventory, find your equipped weapons and hit ‘use’ to use a special ability on an equipped weapon or accessory. It should just work when you attack or maybe be a passive ability. 2) Add more simple bits of bonding and conversation that bring the characters to life a bit more, without falling into the classic anime trap of retreading the same thoughts about motivations to succeed and the ol’ ‘...’ (brooding silence).

Yeah, I'm afraid that’s where I stand too. I'm sure it’s salvageable, but then I'm not sure why you would in the first place. It’s all a bit too bland in its set-up and progression to warrant a proper reboot. May as well start entirely from scratch. In summary, would you say you liked it or not?

Hmm. That's actually a difficult question! I respect it, but I also feel a bit like it was a waste of time and I don’t want to play it again. It’s a good achievement in gaming history and it still feels like a big adventure… but meh. I feel sooo… neutral towards it.

I give it a phoenix down-but-not-out of 10.