151 Pokemon from memory.

3 hours in to my friday night, I was slowly starting to realise this was the worst idea. Now it's Sunday night, and we all have finally finished. Turns out drawing 151 of anything, however crappy, is still a lot of work. Sure, it's an achievement, as hundreds of years from now, people will look at these drawings and go 'Man, what the hell? Were these people high?' But I don't know. Seems like if Tobi has another cool idea for a project we should probably punch him in the face.

Anyway, the fruits of our labour. Behold, 3 attempts at remembering 151 pokemon, and drawing them. In a single weekend. Click the names to view the images (cause they are fairly large). Laugh, Cry, Judge.

TOBI

ALLIE

LEANNE

Gotta draw 'em a-...gotta draw a lot of them

Hello there! Welcome to the world of pokémon! My name is Tobi! People generally don't call me the pokémon Prof, mostly because I don't have the qualifications to show for it. This world isn't really inhabited by creatures called pokémon, but it is of my opinion that it would be pretty cool if they did. For some people, pokémon are pets. Others use them for fights. Myself...I'm going to draw pokémon as a hobby this weekend.

After stumbling on this amazing gallery, where someone tried to draw all first generation pokémon from memory, I got a burst of motivation. Joining me in the festivities is my trusty side-kick, Alexandra, and... What's that? A new challenger appears? Please give a warm welcome to miss Leanne, who also volunteered to partake. To illustrate the pedigree and work-ethic of these fine artletes, I thought it would be fitting to show you good folks a sample of who is participating. Back in 2007 Allie made 100 hands in a variety of styles and different media. Leanne on the other hand did a Daily Doodle challenge, where she made a drawing every single day of 2011. Tobi made a single image of a scooting Sonic and is still riding off its imaginary success.

However since we don't want this to drag for too long, some ground rules should probably be established.

1. The deadline for this grand event is the end of this week. Results shall hopefully be posted on monday.
2. We'll attempt to draw as many of the first generation pokémon as we can. This refers to the first 151 types, for those who like to keep count.
3. We will be doing this entirely from memory. No one may look up pokémon names, designs or listen to Pokéraps (Sorry, Leanne) during the challenge. If you forget a pokémon, that's fine. If you mess a design up, that's even better.
4. At no point during this challenge may you think of the Inspector Gadget themesong.

Breaking these rules will be punished with frowns.

So now that this has been announced, no one can drop out without being publicly shamed. Best of luck to everyone involved. May your work be inferior to my own.

2011: A year in games

It's that time of year again where we have to sit on our thrones, look back at the stuff we've played in past 300-something days and cast judgement upon them. Of course we can only talk about the games we've actually played. The ones we missed will get thrown on the ever growing back catalog pile. Maybe if they're lucky they can get some attention in 2012. We decided the winners based on aggregating our personal rankings and duking it out with both novelty- and regular-sized Q-tips.

Best character

Sissel (Ghost Trick)

Congratulations! You are dead.

The balance between sardonic and douchebag characters is a very delicate one. It’s easy to miss marks or overdo it, which makes you grow to dislike the character more and more with each quip. Sissel is one of those characters that manages to pull the sarcastic cynic off in a lovable way. While he does have a fair few misconceptions about how the world works, he’s intelligent, inquisitive and relatively friendly. Because of the game’s set-up, both the player and Sissel himself explore his character, alignment and past together.

Conceptually Sissel is easily one of the most original characters of the year. Aside from the striking art style and absurd hairstyle and permanent sunshades, the guy is pretty much dead already before the game even begins.  Unlike most dead characters (not that there are many of them) he doesn’t set his sights on reclaiming his life back. After learning that he only has a few hours until his spirit leaves the earthly plane, he accepted his fate and just seeks to find out how and why he died.

Did I mention he can possess inanimate objects and rewind time to try to prevent the deaths of others? Well he can. Sissel’s one of the harder characters to discuss, as he is deeply woven into the storyline of Ghost Trick. I wouldn’t want to spoil one of the finer experiences of this generation, so if you haven’t played it yet, I highly recommend you do.

OMG Sissel ;o;o;o;o;o; I can’t really tell you exactly why Sissel is so awesome, you really just have to play the game. You spend the game trying to discover who you really are, and it leaves you going WHAT THE HELL? I DON’T THINK I KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE up until the very end. But again, whoever you really are, you’re very selfless and loving to everyone you meet.

Runner up: Reyn (Xenoblade Chronicles)

Worst character

Melissa ‘MB’ Bergman (Metroid Other M)

The hairpin is important.

This game introduces you to a kind of superhuman/hybrid/experimenty type scifi cliche in the form of fey emotionless 20-something womanchild. She wanders off on you and acts like you’re a big scary and generally winds you up, with quite hammy acting and all. Her mother-figure fails to get her to like humans because they were all meanies for no reason, and she eventually turns on you in a boring twist that probably isn’t worth even tagging as a spoiler. In a game that already annoys you by turning Samus into a weeping schoolgirl all the time, you’d think they were all sad schoolgirl’d out but yeah, no.

It's not hard to see what the idea behind this character was. With some misdirection make the weak and feeble girly-character turn out to be the big baddie. It's just a shame that their idea had been done a gajillion times before and most of all wasn't even done well. But while being utterly derivative is pretty bad, the biggest crime MB brings to the table is being BORING. The writers clearly noticed their main villain was uninteresting as well, because they wrote in a infiltrator-betrayal subplot in the story. Though that one doesn't really go anywhere either.

Runner up: N (Pokémon Black/White)

Best Soundtrack

Xenoblade Chronicles

To go with the stunning environments, Xenoblade has a stunning soundtrack, composed by some of the industry's best; Yoko Shimomura of Legend of Mana and Yasunori Mitsuda of Chrono Cross fame. Sounds sweet, and it is! I basically listen to it all day at work. Not just soundtrack of the year for me, probably in the top 3 of all time. It's bliss. If you like Final Fantasy music, check it out.

I was so sure that NieR had this category locked earlier last year. It was an amazing soundtrack from start to finish and it would take a Justice League-esque collaboration of the gods themselves to knock it off the first place... and that's exactly what happened. The two composers who made my two all-time soundtracks,  mentioned by Allie, came together and made magic happen. It managed to craft the perfect balance between catchy, memorable and atmospheric. It's a score that will make you laugh, cry, get you pumped and, most of all, make you feel like you're on an adventure.

Runner up: NieR

Best art direction

Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception

Bet he regrets splashing out on business class.

Say what you will about Naughty Dog's games, they all look gorgeous without exception. Uncharted 3 does a great job at making its scenes look grand and alive.


I didn't even really play this, but I watched my flatmates playing it, and it really is exceptional to look at. It's not really a new and experimental style, but the guys at Naughty Dog really went all out with this game and it deserves praise for its spectacular environments. The game also has a lot of bespoke sequences that you parkour your way through at a fairly high speed, and it all looks top notch.


Props should be given for its excellent cutscene direction and well-realised character animations.

Runners up: The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword and Xenoblade Chronicles

Best Story

Ghost Trick

I'll trade you this rifle for those delicious donuts.

To go with best character,  the best story award just has to go to the game that made me weep heartily into my pillow (I take my DS to bed what's it to ya?). In Ghost Trick you spend the game slowly piecing together who you are, why you died, why other people died, what the rules are on this whole being dead thing, and generally what the crazy balls is going on. This game is funny, bizarre, clever, and it has a fluffy wuffy pomeranian in it.

It's very difficult to talk about talk about a story that's so meticulously paced and controls what you need to know and when. It's just a quality story from start to finish.

Runners up: Bioshock and NieR

Best original game concept

Half-Minute Hero

Goddess won't cure your crab problem then what's she good for?

Half-minute hero is a game in which you have a series of world-saving quests to complete in 30 seconds. Yes, 30 seconds. It's pretty satirical, but don't be fooled into thinking it's a torturous non-game. It somehow works. This highly experimental idea has to be the strangest gameplay concept I saw this year.

Oh man. This might be the dumbest idea for a game I had ever heard of. A parody game where each chapter is 30 seconds away from the end of the world. But oh boy, does it milk this concept for all its worth... in a good way. Turns out you can do quite a lot in such a small amount of time. You'll fight monsters, visit towns, buy items and equipment, do sidequests, maybe do a little grinding and then take on a boss. The game features 6 game modes, most of which with distinct gameplay styles. The common thread between the modes is a sassy, capitalistic goddess of time and a villain who loves teaching the ultimate magical powers to lesser beings.

Runner up: Clock Tower

Funniest Dialogue

Tales of Monkey Island

Portal 2 got the shaft for one reason only, which I feel I have to apologise profusely for: I didn't get around to playing it! And I sure as hell am not going to watch someone else play and get it spoiled for me! So here's another game that I KNOW deserves a mention, TellTale's brilliant serial sequel(s?) to the Monkey Island games. In my opinion, Tales of Monkey island is just as hilarious as the original Lucas Games. The totally giggle-worthy writing is enhanced greatly by the voice stylings of charming Dominic Armato and the hilarious Roger Jackson, as new character Reginald Van Winslow.


I didn't have a whole lot of faith in Tales of Monkey Island, if I had to be completely honest. While the series reached admirable highs, it also had some seriously lows. Turns out Tales of Monkey Island became one of, if not my favourite entry in the franchise. The game's script is genuinely funny and the delivery by the voice actors rarely misses its mark.

Runner up: Portal 2

Biggest Surprise

Xenoblade Chronicles

Prison island huh? Those Austrailians have been busy.

Yo, Allie. This game doesn't suck. In fact it's good.

Ooooh girrllll. So, I heard this game was good, but when people say a jRPG is really good you never know what they're really into. I mean, people loved Ico and Kingdom Hearts, so... yeah. Xenoblade doesn't look like anything special at a glance. Anime tropes all round: whiney blond small town protagonist, save the universe with inconceivably oversized swords, outfits with gratuitous butt cleavage...  on both genders... But I took a chance on this game and I was hooked. It excels in every category: the best visuals I've seen on the Wii, the scale of the open environments bends my mind, even the characters were shockingly multidimensional, and the game mechanics enveloped the plot in ways I've never really seen before.

While it's quality was a big surprise, the fact that we even got this game localised is an even bigger shock. After Nintendo of America, who usually is at the forefront of the localisations of Nintendo's first part games, passed on the game, most people were preparing themselves to never see it on our shelves. Sure, Nintendo of Europe had it in their release schedules for months, but those guys are incompetent goons who don't even know what they're releasi-... Wait, it's out for realsies? And due to the European reception it'll finally get published in North America too in 2012? :0 

Runner up: Mortal Kombat

Biggest Disappointment

Metroid: Other M

The colourful monster represents me.

As someone who appreciated Retro's Prime games, I was most excited to see a more real 3D Metroid game, more faithful to the other entries get announced. Team Ninja's involvement sounded strange, but hey, these guys know their action-packed gameplay and their production values! Hype through the roof!

As a massive fan of the Prime series, I didn't expect this game to quite meet the standard that Retro had set, but I expected it to be a pretty acceptable Metroid game. After playing it for a short while I was like 'Yeah, it's got good puzzles, alright visuals, and it tries something a little different and new instead of trying to copy any of the older games' But after a few hours, and Tobi can attest to this, I was like 'ARGH, UP YOURS WHY DID I BUY THIS CRAP.' I found the controls kinda frustrating, and the story, urgh. Considering it's canon and a prequel to the brilliant story of metroid fusion, you'd think it'd be more... yknow... good? I know Samus is younger, but does she have to be so... crappy? Finally, there's this bit where you like have to walk really slowly in unarmed 'first person mode' (rest of the game is in 3rd person) and you get a cutscene, and you end up back in the room you walked from, and then you have to walk back in first person slow motion TO THE SAME ROOM AGAIN. Why?


To be completely honest, I don' t hate this title, nor do I think it's a "bad" game. In fact I did have some good times with it. It's just plagued with strange and poor design choices that weigh it down heavily. There are many worse games released that year, but many far better ones too. 

Runner up: Marvel vs Capcom 3: Obsolete Edition

Most Time Wasted

Harvest Moon: Rune Factory

How could this game be a time sink? It's got fishing!

There are a lot of ways you can waste your time. Sometimes the hours just vanish in thin air when you're having a blast, or sometimes you just have to do something that requires a hefty time-investment because you need to get the proper experience. Too bad Rune Factory isn't either of those things.

Ah, Rune Factory. I kept playing because I've become a bit of a completionist, and I just don't know when to let go. The biggest problem with this game is that it's basically broken. I mean even when it doesnt game-busting glitch on you. The gameplay balance is way off, its pretty hard NOT to exploit or feel exploited... you can only create items that are worth less than the raw materials, you could beat the story in like a single in-game year, but good luck getting in-game married... If you do ever figure it out, guess what it gets you? The town facility your wife used to work at is now closed down and she just stands in your house saying one phrase at you. But this game... I just really did waste a lot of time grinding on this game because... well... I'm an idiot.

Runner up: X-Com 2: Terror from the Deep

GAME OF THE YEAR (released in 2011)

Xenoblade Chronicles

REYN TIME REYN TIME REYN TIME

Let me just be blunt here. Xenoblade is addictive, unique and just straight up good. One of the few things it does better than most other games is the perfect consistency between the gameplay and the cutscenes. Anything that can happen in cutscenes can be used in the battles and vice versa. This makes everything feel really cohesive.
Easily one of the most impressive accomplishments of this game is its world. Back when this console-generation started and the divide between the Wii and the HD-twins became apparent, people and developers alike agreed that the scope of game-worlds would be one of the examples where the much weaker Wii would be left behind. In 2011 Monolith proved the world that it COULD be done and it is glorious. Xenoblade’s world is absolutely massive, is busting with life and begs to be explored. The game features many ways to positively reinforce you to explore and soak up the world.

While I’ve played a fair few good games I really enjoyed this year, Xenoblade just made me crazy for playing it. I could play it all weekend, sometimes I did. It’s huuuuge, it’s completely gorgeous, it’s just jammed full with good ideas, and things that impress me. Yeah, so the story says you’re inhabiting the surface of a giant monster, but it’s not like you’re ACTUALLY going to be able to see tha- OH YES YOU ARE. So the characters all develop friendships with eachother, but it’s not like there’ll be any relevant in-game mechanics to support this-YES THERE ARE. And the main character gets the ability to change the future based on premonitions, but there’s no way that’ll actually apply during say, and actual battle- HAHAH IT DOES. IN YOUR FACE.

I don’t know about you, Allie, but I have played a lot of RPGs in my life... more than I’d like to admit even. Xenoblade turned out to be one of the best the genre has to offer, nesting itself among the classics.

Runners up: The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword and Portal 2

DINOSAUR OF THE YEAR (released before 2001)

Day of the Tentacle

60% less hamster cruelty than Maniac Mansion, would you believe?

Me and Tob played this old gem together this year, and it was super great! This was another of the Lucasarts Point&Click adventures, but based on a brilliant premise: Time travel. You lose your two buddies at different points in time: one in the past with George Washington, and one in the future where Tentacles have enslaved mankind. You can send a single item back and forth in the time machine to eachother, and as you might have guessed, things you do in the past will CHANGE THE FUTURE WOOOO. You have to fix the broken time machines and save the world using just... well, the worst ideas. It's also presented in an unusual nickelodeon-esque style, to match its ridiculous plot.


At this point I can no longer tell if most time-travel games are great or if it's just me that loves time-travel games. Day of the Tentacle is a funny, inventive game that will make you feel smart and stupid at the same time.

Runner up: Oddworld: Abe's Oddysee and For the Frog the Bell Tolls

Craziest Amateur Game

Hatoful Boyfriend

I love it when you speak pigeon-english.

You should remember this game from a previous blog entry. When we heard that out there somewhere, there was a dating sim for girls where you dated men who were pigeons we all went 'Oh, Japan'. I did at some point expect that it wasn't really as crazy as it sounded, but yeah, no, it is.

It's awkward when you start off with a crazy premise like this and somehow delve deeper into the insane. Not sure if I'm happy we experienced this.

Runner up: Sissy's Magical Ponycorn Adventure

The SIGH DIDN'T YOUR MUM TEACH YOU HOW TO DRESS award of 2011

Kaine (NieR)

You are not leaving the wardrobe, let alone the house.

Oh Kaine, honey, what were you thinking? I'm not even sure if you're allowed in a fetish shop dressed like that. I'm not sure if I could come up with a more exploitative character design if I tried.

Man, look at this outfit. It's like she's wearing a nightie, except its an ass-less apron, and then she's got her mostly naked butt stitched up or something, some asymmetrical mummy bandages. One leg must be really warm and the other really cold. Sell one of those giant bread-knives and get yourself some pants, girl!

Runner up: Sophitia (Soul Calibur 4)

Headache of the Year

Katamari Forever

If you can figure this image out, you have acheived enlightenment.

What do we mean by headache of the year? A game that actually does wreck your noggin. This is a big problem, usually for Tobi *waves* , as he suffers from severe low-framerate-induced-sickness. However, this year my nomination, Katamari Forever wins. I played it on a non-HD TV (my sister's game), and for whatever reason, it literally made my eyes bleed. It didn't stop me from coming back to it every time I could because it's awesome, but without fail each time I'd form little pink blotches in the whites of my eyes. Katamari, you're clearly too beautiful to behold.


Forever continues the proud Katamari-tradition of assaulting your senses. The screen wobbles through bright stages at an unstable framerate, with bright flashing pictures all over the place. To complement this visual onslaught, the catchy, yet absurd music is laced with all sorts of random sound effects that will drive you insane.

Runner up: Heretic

Worst Trend of the Year

Touchscreen ports of classic controller games

To simulate: try pressing the button right now.

So I saw someone show me a port of DOOM on their ipad. It has a little interface mockup of some keyboard controls so you can press them on the flat screen to do things. 


Argh. It only takes you a few hands-on seconds to learn that this control-scheme is an abomination that simply does not work. Yet people keep pumping these games out at a steady pace.


People actually think this is the future of all gaming. Having faux-buttons for platformers/FPS/etc on a flat hard screen that you have to push carefully with the flat of your finger and hope its responsive enough. I've got some force feedback for you: NO.

Runner up: Cancelling everything with "Mega Man" in the title

Dumbest premise

You are a human female who attends a private school for bachelor male pigeons. (Hatoful Boyfriend)

I'm here to see some fine pecks.

There's a lot of stupid ideas for games. If there was some kind of private awards competition run by me and Tobi, this premise would win.


I'm pretty sure it would win by anyone's standards. It's so unbelievably dumb that I can't help but question the author's sanity.

Runner up: A group of radicals want to emancipate the pokemon from perceived slavery by kidnapping pokemon and forcing them to fight against pokemon trainers for them. (Pokémon Black/White)

Most awkward moment

That awkward moment when Samus turns into a collapsing, useless wreck in Metroid: Other M

Over 4 in 10 woman suffer additional discomfort during their cycles.

I won't get into the public sexism outcries that already manifested months before the game was even released. These people are reaching and are trying to project sexism on moderately harmless concepts. ...that said. UUUUUUGHHHHHH. Oh my lord this game had painfully bad cutscenes and ideas. Every time Samus has one of her many poorly written and acted inner-monologues, you keep a close watch on the door and pray no one walks in on you.


Spoiler warning for people that still want to be invested in garbage.


First off we have Samus meeting her old commanding officer on a mission right after the events of Super Metroid. Because she regretted being a rebellious and unprofessional when she last saw him as a teenager, she wants to prove to him that she has grown on a personal and professional level. In terms of gameplay this meant Samus would need clearance to use anything other than the standard equipment, like the other soldiers. This would be fine if it weren't for the fact that Samus constantly needlessly endangers her life several time because of this restriction. 


Secondly, and this is a big one, Samus completely flips her shit when she stumbles into Ridley, whom she thought she had killed not too long ago. Seeing the monster once more causes her to be so distraught that she doesn't only freeze in place, but also loses her suit. Yes, Samus' suit is will-powered or some bullshit like that in this game. While it is implied that Ridley massacred her parents when she was still a child, and that she killed Ridley only a few hours ago in Super Metroid, it is still really stupid.


We don't often get to hear what Samus thinks and Other M made me realise that it's for the better.

Yeah Tobi really said it all. For me, the whole zero suit samus thing that started in smash bros. brawl was a bad tip-off. In Zero Mission, Samus loses her suit and she's still awesome, stealthing around like solid snake. In this one, they decided to make her suit all virtual so that it can fall off her as she curls into the fetal position whenever shit gets real. I get that they're trying to explore a vulnerable, human side... but you don't achieve that by turning a character from cool to rubbish!

Runner up: That awkward moment in New Super Mario Bros Wii where 4 players start a level and you all run face-first into the same koopa troopa or goomba.

Bognor Award for Exemplary Fucking-Shit-Up-itude

Unravelling harmless bystanders for no reason at all (Kirby’s Epic Yarn)

THIS. IS. DREAMLAAAAAAAAND! (sorry)

OK seriously. What the hell is your problem, Kirby? I've been noticing this for a few games now, but you completely wreck everyone in your path unprovoked! In Epic Yarn, he takes this a step further because it has several monsters that simply do not attack you, no matter what. That doesn't stop this pink little prick.

Kirby has always been a bit of a mystery. With the storytelling kept basic, one wonders who he is, what the rules or his world really are, and why it's ok that he's just eating every living flora and fauna that crosses his path? In Epic Yarn you really feel it more than ever, as he tears into fabric creatures and they gush jewels, like a rainbow coloured mortal kombat fatality. He then proceeds to unravel the landscape, and morph into tanks and UFOs and fire engines and trains to just rip the world apart. But it's all for the greater good, right?

Runner up: Hellhounds for hands (Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia)


There you have it. The highlights and um.. dark, unspeakable moments of our personal 2011. If you'd like to see more about games we have played, are playing and will play someday, check out the backloggery accounts of Allie and Tobi!

Review: Hatoful Boyfriend

It's been a fair while since we last updated. Two words: Skyward Sword. But you don't want to hear about that old thing, you're here for the hot new sensational games! Like this one.

Hatoful Boyfriend, not to be confused with hateful boyfriend which isn't a game, it's real life. This game is apparently like a  typical Japanese dating sim, but with perhaps one atypical element.

Hint: The element is you're dating pigeons.

OH MY GOD! Now everything makes sense!

Time to chase some hot chicks and see some hooters! ...Oh, they’re boys.

So more like peckers.

So, I enter a classroom full of invisible pigeons, who one by one will appear right in front of my face when talking to me. That is the way of the dating sim. Oh no, it’s the snooty attractive dovetail pigeon. He’s going to be the hard to get one?

"That may be so, but you know we doves reach sexual maturity within a year of birth" Thanks, straight-up creepin guy!

Oh and here’s the shy one. He likes books. I was really hoping for a bird with those swirly glasses.
'I know everybirdie here’ Seriously?

This seems like a play on that awkward ‘everypony’ stuff My Little Pony uses. At least we can all agree these two properties belong on the same shelf.

What do we call the target-audience for this anyway? Feathies?

Sexual aviancy?

Pidgeophile?

Lovey Dovey? 

Avian fever?

Bird flu?

Shh quiet time Allie.

What the shit is this?

A pigeon just told me it's not safe to walk home alone at night, and that I should have a male pigeon walk me home. (I'm a human girl)


I’m pretty sure that teacher-pigeon is after my tail-feathers. Having him walk me home doesn’t make me feel that much more safe.

"I'll feed you all sorts of things, If you want. Hmm.?"

Creepy-ass doctor. He seems to have the mannerisms of a career-pervert. Seems like he's insinuating he’d like to dissect me. He just knows how to push all my buttons. I’m imprinting on him.

uhhhhhh......

WHAT THE FUCK TRYING TO WOO THE DOCTOR LEAD TO A MASS-MURDER PLOTLINE WHERE YOU EAT A FRIEND OF YOURS AND THEN THE DOC MURDERS YOU WITH A CLEAVER

Oh! What the hell? I think I just got slain by a team of ninjas for failing to develop any serious relationships with the birds.. :s Well, that is that?

...Wh. I think there’s a lesson to be learned from this.

This is a short game, so I did a quick second playthrough and got a good ending at about the same time you'd get a bad ending. I’ve played a couple flash dating sims and they are the most soul-destroying slog of clicking things until your money or stamina runs out and then doing it again. This ones tedious as hell, but its very story driven with tons of events so it’s more about reading slightly dull daily activities than grinding and purchasing a hundred million flowers. And then it just suddenly ends. Like this.

That's funny, looks like just another elder scrolls game to me.

Look, I'm not here to actually wee all over the elder scrolls and make them all soggy and unreadable. I'm sure the games are good, I've been hoping to play them someday, for longer than a few hours before a game breaking bug glitches out on me, I mean. But no seriously, I love a good stuffy WRPG full of picking up mountains of items and shivving little rats on the floor. I'm sure I'll enjoy it someday for real. It's in the queue, though.

Exactly what my backloggery is like

I'm merely here to pour my cold beverage of scorn all over your keyboards of childlike optimism until your hype machine short circuits in an anticlimactic spark, followed by comforting silence.

Someone told me yesterday, that Skyrim 'looks amazing'. Like, visually. I scoffed. Even if I wasn't allergic to that nasty leather-brown high contrast medieval D&D art style, those games are notoriously ugly with awkward animations, and that sortof 'I've got a skin disease' or 'I'm clearly 92 years old and yet I have such perky double-d's they're actually misshaping my scale mail' look. But they were convinced, it seemed like the world was convinced, and I have to admit I haven't really been paying attention. Is everyone else in the world just... blind?

Raw sienna: the patron colour of D&D

Huh. I guess they are. And these are the carefully composed promo screenshots that represent the most flattering angle and compositions the game can possibly achieve.
It is a general improvement on the old stuff, and hey, it's ok to make an ugly game. Just... people are telling me it's AMAZING. With a straight face. Right after watching Uncharted 3 and Xenoblade chronicles. Furthermore, people just seem really adamant to convince me its not like the crappy old games. I thought you LIKED the old games?

men: wrinkles. women: less winkles.

And no seriously, are you blind? These character portraits look like those wobbly graphite drawings of celebrities that you'd see all the time in sixth form art portfolios, where the eyes are just a little off and the lips are stuck in an emotionless 8¬(|) face. This is the elder scrolls style, and this is what it will look like forever.

But hey, if you ever wanted to be a mummified cat...?

 

 

PS: hehe, 'rim'.

Review: Clock Tower (SNES)

So, T-brains, I hear this is one of the pioneers of the Survival Horror genre? A fine pick for Oktoberfest I might add. What gave you the sudden urge to pick up this retro title?

My colleagues were discussing scary games to get into the spirit of the holiday us Belgians do not celebrate. The usual suspects came up, many of which I didn't think were very effective as a 'scary game.' Games like Resident Evil 5, which completely suck out any possible tension by giving you too much firepower and even an ally to cover you. When we ended on the subject of Metroid Fusion's SA-X, the conversation steered towards Clock Tower.  ...Clock Tower? You mean that really weird franchise with that hilarious Ron Weasley clone? That's supposed to be a scary series? I was assured that it was, but they didn't want to talk too much about it since it would spoil it for me. So I recruited my sister-in-arms and cleared our super busy and important schedule.

Dennis never fails to make me laugh.

First thing you’ll notice in this game is that its interface resembles a point and click adventure, but with a Doom marine mugshot at to bottom left corner. Much like in Doom, Jennifer Simpson (who looks like Alison Brie from Community and Madmen) emotes her state of mind and health through this portrait.

More like Jennifer Connelly, veteran horror film actress from Labyrinth/Hellraiser. In fact.. she looks a LOT like Jennifer Connelly. And she’s even called Jennifer.

Hmm...

Alright, Allie. I’m a scared little boy, so you might need to help me constantly. Luckily we’re in this together. What’s that? Randomised rooms and villain spawns? Crud.

I cannot wait to explore what's behind the shower curtain in the bathroom where the taps dispense blood on me, I’m sure there’s just a lot of iron in the pipes. It’s a pretty old place.

Yeah OK, this isn't so bad. No music, large mansion, echoing footsteps, isolation from your friends and legal guardian, … I’m digging this. I like a good horror scenario that doesn’t get up in your grill and makes things tense within your own mind through the atmosphere and doesn’t resort to scary-ass maniacal monst-

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Dying happens frequently because the game makes absolutely no effort at all to explain you anything. Luckily the game auto-saved every time you step into a room and loading your game back up takes like three seconds. Somehow I feel this is detrimental to the atmosphere the game is trying to establish. A more punishing save-system would make the game a lot more tense and extend the playtime considerably. I’d like to propose that Castlevania and Clock Tower should wife-swap their saving mechanics.

Sir, I disagree! Ok, maybe safe rooms would be kinda cool, but if this game were any slower paced I’d have grown cataracts and I wouldn’t be able to see any terrifying imagery. I’m a big fan of the quick save, I was basically planning to do the same thing anyway. You already spend enough time faffing around the mansion from room to room trying to remember where anything is.

To be completely honest. I would totally have abused quick saves as well (and I did until I figured the saving-system out), but I still stand by the fact that the current system doesn't quite work in the atmosphere’s favour.

So, um... I always heard people saying Eternal Darkness invented the whole idea of sanity meters and intentional visual and sound ‘glitches’ to make the game scarier. I mean you’re... you’re getting these glitches too right?

Yeah, I am. Can’t really tell if these are because we are playing a hacked fan-translation on an emulator or because the game is trying to mess with me.

So basically, the game really only has one main recurring threat, and that’s this chappo with the large garden shears.

Yeah, Japan’s got a big thing for scary kids and Clock Tower doesn't miss the mark here. A kid with shears as big as him already spells trouble for me. Even if the kid would be well-behaved it would be a scissor-accident waiting to happen. The fact that he's a deformed bugger too doesn't really give me a lot of confidence. Once again the big lesson here is to judge people by their appearance because the gnarly looking kid is evil as fuck.

That guy was a kid?

9-year old kid in a school-boy uniform with a deformed mug. I liked his happy murder-dance when he got all excited. The main objective of the game is running away and hiding from the child and finding a way to leave with all your friends.

I’m really glad that we had eachother to share info, I’m not sure how long the game would have taken each of us without a few hints from our discoveries.

Yeah, when the game was recommended to me, they did advise me to keep a walkthrough in hand in case of emergencies, as the game really doesn’t explain you anything.

Still, easier than Maniac Mansion!

Playing with a walkthrough would have lessened what little the game would have had to offer though. I’m glad we went in relatively blind and only had each other to fall back on.

Jennifer is not the master of unlocking

Allie’s FUN-CLUSION: So, this game’s short and sweet and it’s not really that terrifying. Regardless,  I think it’s managed to leave a lasting impression on me, in a similar way that Lucasart’s Loom did. It’s very atmospheric and very memorable and it’s the kind of creeping psychological ‘horror’ that I enjoy.

You’re right that it wasn’t very scary, but it did what it set out to do decently. The action scenes were tense and paced pretty well. If nothing else, it was a rather quirky and unique experience. It's a little difficult to discuss the game without giving too much away. I think it's a great effort if you take the hardware and time it was created into consideration. There aren't many similar experiences available in 2D, so it's worth a watch for those interested in the genre or enjoy quirky games in general.

Hey, Tob... Is it wrong that I kinda wanna try playing the sequels sometime?

Do you want me to link the Dennis video again, Allie?

Top Ten Best Terrifying Videogame Moments

For this, the spookymonth season, we decided as a pair, being massive nerds, that we wanted to compile you a list of our favourite terrifying moments from videogames! The bits that make Tobi all scared, but not me because I'm totally cool and I never lose my shit over a bunch of polygons on a screen. Psh. Come on. OGODOGODOGOD WHAT WAS THAT?

10) Half Life 2 - Headcrabs and G-man

Aah, Half life 2. I know, I'm being THAT GUY right now, but it really was a fantastically immersive game that really put the effort in to make you feel like you were right there, you were that guy improvising your jumps over scaffolding and shitting your pants whenever some zombies popped out from inside an abandoned house. And what was up with that G-man guy? Some creep just leering at you from afar? Unsettling.

It's easy to overlook the mysterious man in black in the game. Most of his appearances are him standing in the distance, staring at you. Once you notice him, he turns around and walks away. Not much is known about the man aside from the fact that he has the ability to manipulate time, space and people. You do not know who he is, what he wants from you or what side he is on. All that is clear is that he is your puppetmaster. 

9) Mario 64 - Eel/Killer Piano

The eel embodies everything you find frighting about the deep sea. Being out of your element with limited movement or oxygen creates a feeling of unease that is so hard to shake. Seeing a giant creature, that could gobble you up without chewing, charge out its hiding place would make your LETS-GET-THE-F-OUT-OF-HERE-O-METER catch on fire if you weren't underwater already.

Gosh, really Tobi? Want me to hold your hand while you play marios? Alright, hehe, I'm just messin'. I think these are popular scary game moments, part because it's kindof unexpected for a mario game and all. You don't expect something as batshit insane as a killer piano in a game full of wimpy ghosts and racing penguins. [OBLIGATORY MAGIC MUSHROOMS HALLUCINOGEN JOKE]

8) Heavy Rain - Finger

WARNING: Pretty nasty video! 18+

I really can find an endless supply of things to make fun of with this game. Honestly, to me a lot of is it just wank. 'jasooon' and 'you go, girl!' spring to mind, as well as other dumb bits that try to be scary but come across as a retarded idea. But then there was this very saw-esque scene, where you are forced to make the decision as to whether you'll cut off your finger to save your son- but wait, you also have to hurriedly find a way to achieve that, as you ransack this nasty room for the least rusty sharp objects you can find! GOD DAMN. I didn't even play this scene, I watched someone else do it and I felt like I wouldn't have been able to play it through. It was so realistic and so intense.

This scene is just downright nasty by itself, but the worst part is that it is done through gameplay. It forces to you look at the on-screen prompts so you can proceed. The wimpier among us sadly might be inclined to look the other way, which causes you to fail the Quick Time Events, causing you to keep unsuccessfully hacking away at your finger. Just a nightmare to sit through.

7) Sonic the Hedgehog (series) - Underwater Levels

I don't like underwater stages in any game. They are the worst, but the Sonic series managed to find a way to make them even worse than 'worst'. It is "worster", a word invented just for special occasions such as this. The music that plays causes you to lose your concentration and panic. I have never seen such an apropos musical manifestation of the fear of drowning. When it starts playing you don't know whether you should struggle for air or prepare yourself for death's embrace. worster.

Whenever I ask people about what freaked them out most in a game, this always ALWAYS comes up. The bit in all the old sonic games where you're underwater, and you start to run out of air and this theme of pure panic begins to play. It's the jaws theme of videogames. It doesn't help that sonic is sluggish underwater, and you might have to wait for bubbles of oxygen to come up from below. Whether it's labyrinth, hydrocity, or tidal tempest zone there always seems to be one underwater level in each sonic game, and it's most people's least favourite level.

6) Pikmin 2 - Wraith

I don't know if many people will remember this enemy, but I will NEVER FORGET. So I'm playing Pikmin 2, I enter a new little dungeon and it all seems legit... Then suddenly BOOM. BOOM. Two strange distant sounding crashing noises. I continue onwards, and then I see it coming straight towards me and my precious little babies: a giant freaking steam roller monster completely filling the tunnel. It rolls right over me and massacres prettymuch my entire squad, and as a wave of whimpering ghosts float up towards the pikmin heavens, I'm there thinking WHAT THE FUCK NINTENDO? FOR SERIOUS? I hope Dr Kawashima's emotional therapy DS comes out soon.

Death on wheels that moans like a whale. Not only will it take out your entire platoon if you didn't know it was coming, it is also invincible when you first encounter it.

5) Condemned - Mannequins

Not the biggest fan of this game, but the mannequins will always stick with me. There's not a whole lot to talk about it. They are mannequins that move towards you when your back is turned. Just watch the clip.

This was a suggestion from Tobi. I haven't played this game, but he showed me the video and I thought it was BRILLIANT. Sure, we've seen a similar idea in films and in that episode of Doctor Who that everyone seems to think is scary (really guys? statues?) But this kinda shit is ten fold creepy when you pair it up with an immersive first person experience. A great idea, and well executed.

4) Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask -  ??

We couldn't decide what 'bit' to put in for majora's mask. There's just so many peepants scary moments, characters, songs... That gaudy little N64 cartridge is a veritable pandora's box of mindfuck. Including:

- The terrifying moon that stares at you throughout the game. Seriously, every time you look up.

- Ikana Canyon, of the screaming zombies, creepy music and of course..

- The half-man half-zombie in a closet that jumps out at you

- The alien siege on Cremia's ranch.

- The mysterious hand in the toilet

- The zora mask transformation

- The bipolar mask salesman

And many more!
 
Majora's Mask, also known as Groundhog Day on the apocalypse, is just so uncomfortably eerie. The moon is looking down, with its piercing gaze set towards the town it is out to collide with. Since the entire game is based around this doomsday scenario, most of the NPCs are preparing for the end, while others are trying to mourn the recently deceased who they utterly depend on. The whole atmosphere of the entire thing made me really dislike playing it, but it stood to be one of the most powerful interactive experiences I had witnessed.

3) Earthbound - Giygas

Just listen to this song. It gives me goosebumps every time. In adorable-looking cult RPG earthbound, you sacrifice your lives and transfer your consciousness into a robot to fight the ultimate evil, this horrific alien incarnation that moans and groans and cries and glitches the screen. It uses thematic undertones of nothingness, insanity, rape, misery, death. Typical nintendo and their fruity kid games.

If you don't know what you are looking at, allow me explain. That thing right there is an unborn alien god and you face it in a giant space-uterus, designed to look like how the game's creator perceived a rape-scene in a movie as a child. ...Yeah.

2) Metroid Fusion - SA-X

After an encounter with a parasite on SR388, Samus' body started to blend together with the suit. After surgically removing Samus from her suit, the Galactic Federation sent the Varia Suit to a research station. It was there that the parasite slowly started to grow back the surgically-liberated body of Samus. Once fully grown, the parasite could start to roam the research station on its own. Problem is that this Varia Suit is that Samus fully equipped and powered it up from her previous mission.  You on the other hand are clinging to life in a dinky suit that you require to stay alive. 
This creates a very clear distinct difference in power. Whenever you would hear the heavy, metal footsteps of SA-X (Samus Aran X-parasite) echo through a corridor, you knew you had to crawl in the nearest vent like a cockroach as quickly as you could and pray it would leave. Trying to engage it meant certain death, as the game often illustrated with how it destroyed everything in its path.  
 
Yeah, so, we play a lot of nintendo games. The fearsomeness of the SA-X is all in the gameplay. I guess that just means you'll have to take our word for it if you haven't played it. You'll be shooting enemies and running and jumping around, and then oh fuck there it is RUN AND HIDE DON'T LET IT SEE YOU. SA-X is you, but with all your upgrades that make you such an amazing killing machine. The game makes you hesitant to enter every new room, for the fear that it might be there already... just waiting to murder you good.

1) Resident Evil 4 - The Regenerators and 'Oven Man'.

So you're in this lab, horrific experiments, little too quiet, blah blah, scariest music in the game for some reason, heavy breathing, footsteps, surprise zombie right around the corner, now keep calm, don't shoot it in the head because it's semi-invulnerable, don't shoot it in the legs, that'll only make it faster, don't try to sneak past it it'll eat your face. Just scramble around running and screaming you little effeminate man, until you can find an infrared scope with which to find its weak points, of which there are many and you have to shoot them all as it ambles towards you juuust a little bit quicker than you'd like it to when you're trying to aim precisely. Oh also, we had to mention there's this bit in the game where this man on fire suddenly jumps out at you for no reason HAHAHAHAHAHAH SHIT.

While the disgusting Regenerators soaked up all of my ammunition and still went for my face without their limbs, the stand-out moment from this game is the oven man. It's a cheap startle, but it made my heart skip a beat. There was no way to prepare for him. A man on fire charges out an oven and tries to grab you, only to die from the burns a few seconds later. While you do not lose much health, it is almost impossible to avoid for those unaware of his presence. 

So there you go everyone! Happy Oktoberfest! (That's what this was for, right?) I'm sure you guys can think of your own favourite scary moments, and I welcome you to leave these thoughts in the comments! If you disagree with our choices and condemn our lack of experience in the field of scary games, GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLOG.