HYTIB's Annual E3 Metagames

Man, I feel like I've been forgetting something lately.

*phone rings*

wh.. who could be ringing at this hour?

HELLO, YES THIS IS BLOG

Oh man, blog, what do you want from me this time? Didn't I feed you last month?

GOT 3 WORDS FOR YA, DOLL. ENTERTAINMENT. EXPO. UH... E-SPECULATIONS.

I got 1 word for you, Blog: BINGO.

So yeah, in short, it's that time of the year when Tobi and I make some educated guesses on what might happen at this year's E3, and fill a bingo card for each major player, and presume that hilarity will ensue. Here's what we got!

 

 

Oh but wait, that's not all! We've also generously provided some BLANK CARDS (<click here grandma) so that you can make your own ones and play against us! With or without our knowledge. There's a comments section right at the bottom here... or there's a good chance you know me personally, because yeah.

What's up, personal friends.

Edit: Oops, we done goofed already! Turns out there is a LBP Vita game already announced. Silly us. Still, maybe we should get points if they do a stage gameplay demo or something.

Top Dogs Trilogy Part 1: Top Dogs of Video Games

Here at HYTIB, we think that DOGS ARE GREAT. DOGS DOGS DOGS. Dogs have stupid faces and they are fluffy and you can tell them to do things. To prove that we like dogs so much, we're going to explore some of pop culture's greatest dogs and why they are so great in ways that relate specifically to dogs. Starting with our top 10 favourite dogs from video games. And this is dogs only, no wolves and foxes allowed.

10. Dogz  (Dogz)

'BEST THING EVER.' - Allie aged 8

I remember PF Magic's original Dogz game blowing my mind as a child. THEY'RE LIKE REAL DOGS. ON YOUR COMPUTER. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. You can pet them, feed them, and dress them in humiliating outfits. They had the bizarrest graphical system, the dogs were all made up of circles, having different parts so that you could get all sorts of variations in breeding, and you could pet and paint different parts of them. This is why they’re such great dogs though, they put up with you and all of the weird stuff you want to do with them. Spray them with water, put santa hats and mittens on them... You’re a weirdo, but they don’t judge. Realism.


There’s nothing that will melt a man’s heart quite like cute animals in people clothes. Dogz exploited this weakness in humanity and turned it into a business. In a way it’s nuts how long this series has survived over the years and the unhealthy amount of spin-offs it has gotten. But in another, more realistic way, it makes perfect sense. Pet simulators will never go out of style as long as people are put off by poop and physical exercise. 


9. Dogmeat (Fallout Series)

Well, I assume its a dog.

Dogmeat was the first canine companion in the Fallout series. Dogmeat is a grody stupid dog that will follow you if you give him some food, and fight by your side. He’s earned his name, because he’s not really very good at surviving. But then again, neither am I. Dogmeat’s hobbies include scaring a guy named Phil, and being a dog. 

Dogmeat is supposed to be a reference to the Mad Max dog and I guess I can see that. If I were stranded in a wasteland, procuring a dog would be one of my top priorities too. Shame that Dogmeat doesn’t wear people clothes.

8. Exit Dogs (Exit 2)

Dogs away!

Exit 2, the sequel to the slightly obscure Exit (obviously), introduces dogs as an assistant type. These stylish pooches heroically work alongside the hero to rescue people from buildings on the midst of disaster. They can get to places that the hero can’t and fetch him items. Rescue dogs are cool dudes.



Rescue dogs are indeed cool, as well as dogs that are willing to fetch you your stuff, but I can’t help but be a little disappointed that they are the only class in that series that can’t actually use items or open doors. This little limitation always made me frown at them. I am disappoint.

7. Boney (Earthbound 2 / Mother 3) 

Boney is one of the two characters that makes an appearance in every single chapter of Mother 3, so you know he’s important. He starts showing his worth pretty early on in the adventure already. When a forest fire breaks out, Boney comes to the rescue to help find the missing people trapped within. Having a dog be a playable character in an Japanese RPG might sound odd and that’s because it is. He doesn’t really have weapons, can’t wield magic like the other characters and he’s got very little equipment. Luckily what little equipment he has at his disposal are hats. Yes, you heard me correctly. Animals with hats. Does it stop there? Heck no! Boney goes the extra mile and full-on Scooby Doos his way into a nightclub.

Bad to the Bone.

Boney is way better than the dog in the previous game, who chickens out pretty soon and stays at home with mum and dad. Boney sticks around, and he looks pretty dope in a baseball cap.

6. DOG (Half-Life 2)

Good thing there aren't any cats around.

DOG isn’t a real dog. Haha you’ve been ripped off. DOG is the dog-brained robot that guards Alyx Vance. When it’s not playing fetch with the furniture, it’s tearing the shit out some combine scum like a giant immortal chimpanzee. Why can’t you have DOG with you all the time? This game would have been over in minutes.



What’s not to love about DOG? He’s a giant scrap-metal gorilla that thinks like a dog. He’s seemingly invincible, tears shit up as if it’s nothing and can play fetch with toilet-bowls. Most dogs I’ve tried to do that with couldn’t keep up.

5. Chain Chomp (Mario Series / Link's Awakening)

With teeth like that, bite probably worse than bark.

You might be thinking ‘Hey, chain chomps aren’t dogs!’ Well tough, they are used as dogs throughout the Mario series and even in Link’s Awakening. If you don’t like it, go make your own list.

While the people of the Mushroom Kingdom don’t really care too much for them, they were heavily used in in the Koopa Empire. According to Paper Mario, the use of Chain Chomps as dogs goes back for centuries and entire temples were erected in their honour. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m crossing my fingers for a Chain Chomp partner in Paper Mario 3.



I feel bad for chain chomps. They’re always being chained to things and then left there. Perhaps it’s because they have too much energy for their own good, they’ll quickly try to knock you down if you come near! Still, you should really set them free. Or attach them to the front of your kart for a most excellent advantage. 

4. KK Slider (Animal Crossing Series)

Inspirations include Muddy Waters, Howlin' Wolf, Blues Clues.

KK slider is a dog with soul. He’s a talented musician who writes and performs his own songs in a little cafe by the museum on saturday nights. If you’re a fan of his music, he’ll give you a bootleg of his tunes because he’s not even in it for the money.



I’ve always wondered what he did during the week, but considering how laid back he is and how he plays an acoustic guitar, we can safely assume he spends his spare time doing pot. 

3. Sam (Sam & Max Series)

Are you sure all dogs go to heaven?

You know that awkward feeling when you are certain a character is supposed to be outrageous in some form, but instead you end up finding him totally reasonable? Well, Sam is that character for me. He’s judgemental, but doesn’t care enough about anything to get actively involved himself. Sam knows a wealth of really useless trivia and nerdy observations. So yeah. Seems like a cool dude. I don’t get what the joke is supposed to be, aside from the contrast he provides with Max. Plus, you know, animal in people clothes.



The thing I love about Sam is that... while Max is the uncontrollable malicious psychopath, Sam is the enabler. He may be the devil himself, in an oversized suit, just making suggestions and letting Max go nuts on things. He rarely holds him back, he has no morals himself as a ‘freelance police officer’ (see: fraud) and just sort of lets things happen with an aloof pleasure. Some dogs just want to watch the world burn.

2. Missile (Ghost Trick / Ace Attourney Series)

Smart missile.

Missile is actually two dogs from two different games. Missile, a shiba inu from the Ace Attorney series is a police dog with a weakness for weenies. In Ghost Trick, Missile is a perky pomeranian who never gives up and is much smarter than he looks. They’re both named after one of the developer’s pet dogs though, so in a weird way I like to think they are kind of the same dog. Missile from ghost trick is especially a top dog though, because he’s so essential to the plot he’s really one of the main characters.



I didn’t really care too much for the Ace Attorney Missile, but damn it if I didn’t love the Ghost Trick version. They really went out of their way to give him ‘dog logic’, which may come across as stupid and stubborn, but only in the most endearing ways. Missile is very faithful, brave and easily excited. It’s hard not to love him when you see what he goes through.

1. Hayabusa (Okami)

Bitches be trippin'

Hayabusa is the SECOND greatest turnip digger in all of Nippon. While he is depicted as a lazy, boring dog at first, you later discover that there is more to him than what was initially let on. Hayabusa is actually an imposter! When he witnessed the death of another dog who resembled him, he took over the dying dog’s identity to save the owner of any grief. It also gave him the ideal excuse to park his butt and wait until he can make good on his promise to the real Hayabusa. Also he wears a bandana.



I teared up a lot in Okami, it was top notch in its story, art style and music. But this part probably made me the weepiest! Finding out Hayabusa was filling the doggieboots for another dog that gave it’s life to save a small boy. Hayabusa is also a part of the Legendary Canine Warriors, where he is known as Chu, the warrior of loyalty. He also saved Mushi’s life, when Orochi attacks the village. TOP. DOG.

So there's all the best dogs videogames have to offer. Stay tuned for some more Top Dogs sometime later. We might do some different things in between, we dont want to make you dog tired of dogs. Dawg.

HYTIB's top 10 videogame title screens.

You'd think a title screen is rather straight forward, right? That's what I first thought. Just a logo and a PRESS A KEY TO CONTINUE message would suffice. However it's come to my attention that title screens have practically become an art-form of its own. So to pay tribute to the hard work of these fine men and women that put in the extra effort, we've compiled a list of our favourite title sequences. 
A good title screen should immediately set the tone and atmosphere your game is going for, preferably without even muttering a single word. We’ve judged these solely based on the quality of the title screen and not of the quality of the game itself. Emphasis was placed on memorability, atmosphere, creativity, music, use of the technology at its disposal and, most importantly, how well it ties into the game. We tried to avoid entries with regular opening cutscenes, except when they flow into the actual title screen itself. Now without further stalling:

10. Wario Ware Touched

An interactive title screen is always a good way to start with. Noses of various sizes and stars that poop rainbows crawl onto the screen at a steady pace with funky music playing on the back. What sets this title screen apart is that you can jam all the small objects into the nostrils of the large noses. Yeah, that's right! NOSES IN NOSES HOW ABOUT THAT FOR YOUR XZIBIT MEMES.

I remember as this was my first DS game, spending a lot of time just fiddling about on this intro screen. It’s just a brilliant intuitive introduction to the DS features. It’s just a little playpen of silly objects that do different things, and you can throw them around and make marks and stuff, and then yeah, you can shove things up a nose for some reason. It’s Wario Ware, man.

09. Scribblenauts

In 9th place, another interactive title screen that lets you have hours of fun before you’re even pressed start. The appeal of Scribblenauts’s title screen is that you get to play the game right then and there. This is great if you just want to show your friends or mess around yourself. The mechanic of Scribblenauts is that you have a dictionary of pretty much any noun you can think of, and you can summon it and let it do what it does. Once you get bored of pitting Chthulu against the leviathan you can actually play the missions in the story mode.

I’ll even take it further than that. I was a little saddened to see that I preferred playing on the title screen over the actual game. I’m not sure if that was a testament to the brilliance of the sandbox they gave you so early on or because of some unfortunate decisions that bog down the actual campaign.

08. Demon’s Crest

Demon’s Crest isn’t particularly clever, but it just simply cool, especially when you take the SNES tech into consideration. A curtain of fire gets steadily obscured and the logo burns through whatever was blocking it. The look and eerie, gothic music immediately sets the tone for everything that’s in store for you.

It’s impressive that a simple idea like this would make it into our shortlist, but it’s just simple badass old-school cool factor. The kind of thing your 12 year old self would remember forever.

07. Deadly Creatures

Oh man this title screen is so awesome. It immerses you straight into what the game is presumably about: creepy spiders and shit. These realistic creepy crawlies wander past nonchalantly like you’re staring into a terrarium. It’s simple and brilliant, and if you’re super terrified of creepy crawlies it’ll probably make you quit right there.

Agreed, it’s super atmospheric and very well done. If you don’t know what you are getting into and you have a thing with bugs, you’ll feel the hairs on your arms immediately jump up. I really feel like I should commend them for the quality of the renditions and animation.

06. Metal Gear Solid 4

I love a good ambient and animated title sequence. You’re treated to a clearly aged Solid Snake, enjoying a smoke on a graveyard while tiny petals fly in the wind. He checks his weapon, kneels down readies himself to take his own life. Accompanying this is a sombre, tech-y sounding song playing on the background.

I haven’t played this game, but from what I understand this beautifully melancholy intro kinda ties into the plot as either a prologue or epilogue. It’s not only setting the tone of the game, but it’s also additive to the story, as well as looking good simply as a standalone scenario. It makes you want to play the game to find out what’s going on. Like a good book cover.

05. Super Metroid

Really, any of the Metroid series, including the Prime trilogy could take this spot. They all have the same format: a really cinematic, alien style intro that sets the tone and introduced the game in about 10 seconds. They’re so moody and well done every time.

Exactly. I feel like the Super Metroid one has the edge over the others because it was able to set the atmosphere so well and quickly on rather primitive hardware. Over the years I’ve noticed that ‘serious’ and ‘scary’ tones are very hard to convey in low spec 2D without throwing all subtlety overboard. Super Metroid didn't just pull it off. It nailed it.

04. Xenoblade Chronicles

Another beautiful ambient title sequence. You have the Monado sword sticking in a field, where it peacefully rests for days on end. Days turn into nights and nights transition into day,... It’s a very soothing scene with beautiful music. What I like about this one is that it is an endless title screen that doesn’t have to cut to a demo reel in order to reset itself, like so many others do.

Yeah this intro is like a really sweet screensaver. It’s got a minimalist approach but then as you’re letting it play listening to the awesome music, the background slowly changes and the music swells. It’s just.. you know, art.

03. Pikmin 2

Pikmin 2 is pretty much a perfect storm intro screen. It has all things I discuss when I talk about an intro screen I like: good visuals, atmosphere, simplicity, creativity, interactivity, relevance and even bonus easter eggs! You can control the little creatures on the intro screen there by pressing different buttons on the Gamecube controller. Also it’s super adorable.

I’m not sure how they could have done this any better. The Pikmin make up the logo, which I already thought was clever, but since you get to control the Pikmin and its predators, you get to do all sorts of cool things. You can distort the logo by moving the little guys or scaring them off with a bulblax, change it to read ‘Nintendo’ or if you get some of them eaten, there will be some gaps in the logo. Very cute and very fun.

02. Brutal Legend

This one just blows my mind. We had to discuss whether or not we should include it, because technically it is a big cutscene. However, since it flows so seamlessly into the title screen (and because it’s absolutely amazing) we decided to give it a free pass. Jack Black hypes you up about the story in live action video and presents the game as a rare, infamous heavy metal album.

Haha, this intro puts the meta in metal, am I right? Sorry. Anyway, yeah this one cheats its way into the shortlist because well, it’s not really an intro cutscene for the game’s story, its kind of introducing the actual game itself. Which is what a title screen does. I love a humorous use of live action in videogames, breaking the fourth wall and all that. This one is just really silly and uh... eh... guys... whats another word for ‘epic’? It’s cool. Yea.

01. LOZ Ocarina of Time

This isn’t a popularity contest or anything, but if there’s any one intro screen most people will remember it’ll be Ocarina of Time, where link runs around on his horse while some really nice music plays. It sets the tone of the game, hinting at both its vastness that was pretty new to 3D games at this point, and the fact that you’d later be able to ride around on a horse while nice music played. And it would be awesome.

It’s a personal favourite of mine too. I was doubting whether to nominate either this or Majora’s Mask’s, but this was just so much more iconic. The scope they showed, with the low-key soothing song playing felt so so calming and classy. It doesn’t need to be bombastic bombastic displays of intricate design. Just Link riding across Hyrule Field into an adventure. Another fun fact is that the title theme is an arrangement of the classic Zelda 1 flute-song. I thought that was a neat throwback touch.

So there you have it, folks. There were some pretty good ones that unfortunately didn't make our cut, but that's just the way things go. I'm interested in seeing how other people's top ten differ.

HYTIB's top 20 'babes' of animation.

Ok, it's not really making fun of anything if you're actually just jumping on the bandwagon. It's just sad.

..

REGARDLESS, we watched Nostalgia Chick's top 10 list of animated hot guys, in which she pansied out of giving her own choices in favour of listening to 'the vocal majority'. And we thought: we could do that better. We could nut the fuck up and make our own list, AND instead of being able to defend our own choices, our partner will have to be the one to critique our weird and creepy confessions, and laugh and be slightly disturbed at what we learn about each other today. 

Oh, and both genders each, because bitches, that's actual equality.

Allie

Mans

5. Piccolo (Dragon Ball Z)

'....the hell am i wearing?'

A ripped, tall, angry, green alien guy? We're starting off well aren't we? Let's see what else we have here. Dude has an ice cold demeanour, pink bulging muscles, poofy pants, turban and the biggest shoulder pads in the free world. Another thing that I seemed to remember is that he's of a single-sex species that throws up eggs. I suppose there are also two of Piccolo if you're into that sort of thing, but one of them is an old man. He's also ambitious in the sense that he's tried to take over the world a few times. I'm not sure if I understand the appeal here.

4. James (Pokemon)

LOOK HE IS JUST FABULOUS, OK?

Ah, damn. I wish I would have thought of James. He's a true champ. Born rich, but pursues a life of poverty to escape the shackles of a privileged life, just so he can be free. He's got a wicked collection of things that I can't remember, but he most certainly has got it. James also loves roses and being all-around fabulous. He's also an experienced hole-digger and looks amazing in a bikini. Did I mention he's also in a gang? That bad boy.

3. Roronoa Zoro (One Piece)

A sword in your mouth? Why would you even...

Fuck yeah, Zorro's on this lis-oh it's someone completely different. Just going by the fact that he wields three swords makes me believe this guy looks like he's overcompensating and not very bright, but he does have great teeth. I wonder if he's natural green-haired guy. Being a pirate means his life is full of adventure and tussles with the law. I'm starting to worry about this pattern of criminals though.

2. Maes Hughes (Fullmetal Alchemist)

He can turn lead into gold, and knees into jelly.

Finally, someone who isn't a villain for once. Now Mr Hughes is a dreamboat and a bro. He's a snappy dresser, great family man, social and silly, but still knows when he has to be serious. I spite of annoying his friends and family on purpose, the guy is kind and loyal to them  all the time and supports them, even if he disagrees. He's also got a sick beard and wears a uniform.

1. Vash the Stampede (Trigun)

Yes yes, he has a big gun.

Now Vash is a weird one. He's a nice guy who likes to stay low profile, so he keeps trying to act incompetent to get out of having do this. Turns out he's actually good at what he does... "shootin' dudes". However this does bring up an issue because he doesn't believe in killing. So we end up with a pacifist gunman. The boy's rocking a Vanilla Ice haircut and is his body is covered in scars from top to bottom. I heard the wimmins dig scars and if that's even remotely true, then it doesn't surprise me he's rocking the first place here. LAB AND PEAS

Womans

 

5. Francine Smith (American Dad)

I like my women like I like my coffee: Batshit fucking crazy.

Ah, Francine. Your typical cartoon trophy-wife, except she turns out to have an actual character. Francine is all sorts of hilariously crazy and apparently a bit of a thrill-seeker. She considers George Clooney to be a knob too, which is a plus in my book.

4. American Maid (The Tick)

Sorry, no entiendo 'stop hitting me with your shoe'.

OK, I don't really know who this, so I'm going to have to make blind assumptions about the appeal again. So this lady appears to be a superhero. She appears to be pretty patriotic, going by the design of her outfit. I'm not really into the whole maid thing, but I won't judge Allie if she is. Oh wait, her name is also a pun. Puns are catnip for Allie.

3. Anthy Himemiya (Revolutionary Girl Utena)

Not much junk but plenty of baggage.

Oh boy. I knew this was coming. So this bug-eyed anime girl has glasses, purple hair and one of the very few dark-skinned animated protagonists that I know of. From what I understand, she has both a shy schoolgirl and an extrovert warrior princess in uniform thing going on. She also has a thing for the ladies. Is there something you'd like to tell us, Allie?

2. Janine (The Real Ghostbusters)

I wonder who she's going to call..

Now this I get. Janine Melnitz is a nasal, snarky and sassy redhead secretary that understands the art of late-night snacking. While it often seems like she only gives just enough shits to keep her job, she does seem to have her heart in the right place. It’s been alluded a few times that bustin’ would make her feel good too, but I haven’t seen enough of the show that she actually got a shot at it. She loves to rock lots of tacky, kitschy things,  mini-skirts and pointy old-lady glasses. Rawr.

1. Carmen Sandiego (Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego)

Where in the world is my innocence?

It's been another while since we had another villain in here. Carmen isn't so much a professional as she is an educational troll. This stylish badass likes to pull off astonishing heists and outwit the brightest minds on the planet. Carmen is mysterious, not just because she knows how to fly under the radar, but also because she dresses like Darkwing Duck. But yeah, I totally get it. She's an ambitious badgirl girl long wavy hair. I also made it through this entire paragraph without even referencing Where Is Waldo once!

Tobi 

Mans

5. Kronk Pepikrankenitz (Emperor’s New Groove)

Human sacrifice? What about just some samosas this time? Guys?

Aww, isn’t he just a cutie pie!? Good choice actually. This kinda ex-henchman typical airheaded brute is a super genius chef, and talks to squirrels or something? He’s underappreciated  for his talents and always eager to please, he’d probably be a dreamy boyfriend, if a little subservient? He’s not so competent in the business of evil schemes but he’s got his shit together in the kitchen.

4. Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

A typical Canadian.

Gotta be honest, man, it’s been a while since I saw the turtles cartoon. I don’t really remember this guy to well, but I believe he’s a sortof ghetto vigilante out to help the turtles? He’s got a mid 90s ripped jeans and tank top thing going on, and carrying around a bunch of sports equipment like he’s playing legend of zelda in the schoolyard. Not sure what I make of that. Part of me wonders if he’s a really swell guy, or if Tobi is just a total 90s kid sports nerd.

3. Launchpad McQuack (Ducktales)

But... ducks can already fly...

HAHAHAHA Launchpad :’) He is a duck! He’s like got an Indiana Jones thing going on, only derpier. And he can’t land a plane.

2. Dean McCoppin (Iron Giant)

Sorry, 'bro', I work with derwent, not faber-castell.

A nice character with a lot of personality from a really decent film. However, there is a reason that I call him ‘Douchey McSoulpatch.’ Dude is an ‘artiste’. He’s so... well... you know, right? Right? LOOK AT HIS TINY BEARD. 

1. Maes Hughes (Fullmetal Alchemist)

LOOK AT PICTURE OF MY CHILD

Fact that this guy made it on both our lists is sayin’ something. He’s the perfect man except for the being dead thing. He’s crazy for his wife and daughter, he winds all his coworkers up in such a cute way, but he has to pay the price for having the most integrity and bravery of them all. I’d love to be his wife except for the bit where he dies and that’s really really sad. Also he’s pretty in the face.

Womans

 

5. Nani Pelekai (Lilo & Stitch)

Dat nose. You want to beep it.

The forgotten Disney babe, Nani has got it going on. She’s fun-loving and curvaceous and runs around in a bikini a lot (man, it’s Hawaii though). She’s hard working and sensitive, but she’s also pretty immature and short-tempered, but then her little sister and stitch are pretty terrible. I guess I like that she’s kinda ‘real’. She’s not some sweet voiced princess and she’ll never get to be.

4. Elizabeth Hoover (The Simpsons)

There are no Google images of her not looking disapproving

lolwut? Heh... ok.. wow uh... yeah. Lisa’s schoolteacher. I guess this is no worse than my Francene choice though. Miss Hoover is cynical and irate... but I guess she has that geek chick thing going on? She’s like less creepy than Edna Krabappel, and less tedious than Maude Flanders.

3. Toronga Leela (Futurama)

Next to ducks and aliens, mutants seem...meh.

I’m kinda glad in a weird way that Tobi seems to be into cranky bitches. Makes me feel a little better. Leela is a kinda cheesy ‘butt-kicking’ babe. She’s kindof a sucker when it comes to men though, and she’s pretty violent and short tempered. She switches between being the only rational one and being the maniacal vengeful psychopath.

2. April O’Neil (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

Also she shares my passion for pockets. :')

April is always on dude’s lists. I think it might be the yellow jumpsuit. There’s something about women in onesies... Also nobody believes me when I point out that she’s got massive jugs, but she TOTALLY does. April is always trying to help the turtles, but I believe she always just gets captured. It’s not usually due to her own incompetence though, I mean she is up against a bunch of ninjas and a giant mutant warthog and rhino. And that dude who is like a brain in a human suit. Anyway, she’s pretty sassy I guess. Punches above her weight and courage is pretty sexy.

1. Velma Dinkley (Scooby Doo)

Oh Jinkies, Tobi. *giggle*

Heehee x) So cute! Any guy who votes for velma is a big fat vote for nerd girls. Velma has low self esteem written all over her with the big bulky jumper and 70s folk singer haircut. But she’s the one who carries the team every time! She uses her technical knowledge and critical eye to figure out the mysteries while everyone else just derps around eating sandwiches and being pretty. She should have been the star of the show, but instead she’s just backup for the worlds wimpiest great dane and his pet tramp. At least we all know better.

So now we know more than we ever needed to: Allie is a japanophile, Tobi is a furry but only for ducks, and frankly, badboys are nearly impossible to avoid because apparently the rule of cartoons is male characters are either vapid princes, evil, or children. Also geek chicks rule, no bias here...

But you know what else we learned? We ain't chicken.

Bad Movie Bingo

OK so there's this game Tobi and I like to play when we're watching a movie that we really don't have high expectations for. It's pretty simple. Without knowing more about a film than the trailer, we make predictions of horrible cliches that we expect the film to fulfil. Then we fill a bingo card and see how well we do.

It's a great game for if you're frequently forced by peers or loved ones to watch films you're not expecting to enjoy, or if you're just a movie masochist like us. Oh, and

*~SPOILER ALERT!~*

Well, an entire CGI film based entirely around a rather weak pun. I'm sure you're all wondering why on earth we expected this to suck balls and be full of dumb jokes? A lot of our proposals were slightly tipped off by the nature of the trailer, but nothing guaranteed of course. Still, it managed 4 lines.

Gnomeo and Juliette is an insulting retelling of a classic tale based around a single pun. If it wasn't for the fact that we were playing this bingo game, I would have bailed after 20 minutes. The movie has zero redeeming qualities and isn't even fun to mock. You know your project is poisonous when people don't even want to give your trailer a chance.

Score: 4x bingo

 

Oh my god this movie is as BORING as it is sexist. So this kid is a little shit that doesn't appreciate his mum and then his mum gets kidnapped by aliens. This alien planet is completely ran by authoritarian women and the men are banished into the garbage landfill. The blokes don't mind this because they are stupid uneducated hicks anyway. Then blah blah bullshit happens and we learn the valuable lesson that mums are people too.

I would rate this as the worst film on on BMB so far, and that's saying something. It's got the uncanny valley aspect of polar express, the tedium of polar express, the lack of imagination of polar express, and you get the idea. But where the polar express was sickeningly christmassy, this was just... kinda sickening. Also, guys, don't mocap adults for children models. I could actually tell it was Seth Green, and that was weird.

Score: 2x bingo

Where it says 'suspicious lion king similarities' that should be underlined in red marker. It was like watching a furry fanfiction written, directed and animated by everyone from the lion king fanart community, which yes, is a thing. This film about wolves trying to get their 'howl' on with each other was straight-up creepy.

I'd say you have already seen this movie without seeing it, but that would be a lie. There are few movies that are as formulaic as this one, but the execution here is just dreadful. One of the ugliest movies we have seen in our entire lives and I can't stress enough how awkward that whole 'howling' thing was.

Score: 2x bingo

Sweet! Our bingo sheet has a Zorro sign. Topical! This movie is pretty much a parody movie of a spaghetti western, but with lots of cats being hispanic stereotypes. Surprisingly enough it wasn't shit. Another shocker was the lack of 'cat' puns! Lots of 'egg' ones though.

Ok so this one was better than I expected. I kinda really dug humpty dumpty's animation, it really cracked me up (haaa) and out of all of these terrible movies, this one is probably the only one worth seeing. I'm not saying the story was particularly good and the gags are hit and miss, but... eh.. I liked it. I know a lot of people don't like shrek films though, so WHATEVER. Go ahead and watch mars needs moms then. I dare ya.


Allie, please. You don't want that on your conscience.

Score: 3x bingo

How not to HD

Hey Allie, great news! Our beloved Ace Attorney series is getting a high resolution remastering for iOS devices. This means people will be able to enjoy the series with new and improved visu-

Sometimes there are grey areas within the legal system.

Oh.

Oh that's right bitches! We need to talk. We need to talk about HD remakes. In particular, up-rezzing pixel art style games. It's all the rage to be porting old games to the ipad, console downloadables, etc. and for some reason they think people are going to need to redraw the graphics to make them fit the new resolution. That's fine... unless you do it really poorly. So that it looks tons worse than the original. 

At least they gave you more Dominic Armato. <3

It's not like we have anything against HD 2D games. I think we can safely say that we both love 2D art, regardless of the resolution and there are tons of absolutely gorgeous examples out there. It really pains me to see things that could only been the work of dark voodoo magic and the blood sacrifice of any nostalgia you might have had for a property.

Actually there are plenty of ways to achieve this: automated filters and re-drawing software, or good old fashioned cheap and half-assed manual labour without any art direction. Because, hey, its all already there right? You just need to basically fill it out with more pixels, like how they inject water into meat to make it bigger.

IT IS I, MARIO.

Unfortunately, sprites are optimised for their purpose; meaning they'll be charicaturised in funny ways to fit the blocky constraints, and the anatomy doesn't work so well when it's all zoomed in on. 

Exactly. You don't approach a piece of art the same way if your workspaces are 24x32 and 144x192 in size. The canvas of the HD remaster-sprites are often as large as the entire screen of the original games they are basing it on! And let's not even get into how "HD" iOS games aren't technically even HD yet.

Of course, with a lot of these HD versions they keep the number of animation frames the same. So the graphics might look like the latest uncharted game, but it'll still move like a space invader!

Help, I have back problems.

All this proves is that high res art isn't inherently superior. Even if the individual elements are competently done, like in the case of the Final Fantasy remake, seeing those assets in motion is pretty nasty. You have larger, detailed sprites that still have the same chugging 2 frames of animation. When your size and amount of detail increases, your animation needs to follow.

Let's just make a new rule to say that if you can't make it look better, why not just keep it the way it was? It'll save you a bunch of extra work and development costs.

Hello there, stock photoshop texture on the walls.

Man look at this shit. The line quality, the half-assed background. 
  
You're not doing it right if your 256x192 assets stretched out to the far corners of the world look better than your HD remastering. The texture that's on the walls and the little statue he's holding are practically the same too! Not to mention there is practically zero depth in there because of it.

This is a Capcom game, folks!

Aran out of ideas.

Here, I did my own 5-minute attempt at a sprite remaster as an example. See how the anatomy just doesn't work any more when you stick to proportions of the old sprite. Samus' head has no reason to be this big any longer and that arm blaster looks all dinky and weird when it's this short.

Actually, I think that looks pretty good! I kinda like it.

Sigh.

Maybe this is just an example of how easy it could be to do a good HD remake if you just put the effort in?

;o; But I DIDN'T put effort into that!

So you made an ugly game, but why do Allie and Tobi consider that to be such a terrible crime?
BECAUSE YOU'RE RUINING OUR FAVOURITE GAMES!