HYTIB's top 20 'babes' of animation.

Ok, it's not really making fun of anything if you're actually just jumping on the bandwagon. It's just sad.

..

REGARDLESS, we watched Nostalgia Chick's top 10 list of animated hot guys, in which she pansied out of giving her own choices in favour of listening to 'the vocal majority'. And we thought: we could do that better. We could nut the fuck up and make our own list, AND instead of being able to defend our own choices, our partner will have to be the one to critique our weird and creepy confessions, and laugh and be slightly disturbed at what we learn about each other today. 

Oh, and both genders each, because bitches, that's actual equality.

Allie

Mans

5. Piccolo (Dragon Ball Z)

'....the hell am i wearing?'

A ripped, tall, angry, green alien guy? We're starting off well aren't we? Let's see what else we have here. Dude has an ice cold demeanour, pink bulging muscles, poofy pants, turban and the biggest shoulder pads in the free world. Another thing that I seemed to remember is that he's of a single-sex species that throws up eggs. I suppose there are also two of Piccolo if you're into that sort of thing, but one of them is an old man. He's also ambitious in the sense that he's tried to take over the world a few times. I'm not sure if I understand the appeal here.

4. James (Pokemon)

LOOK HE IS JUST FABULOUS, OK?

Ah, damn. I wish I would have thought of James. He's a true champ. Born rich, but pursues a life of poverty to escape the shackles of a privileged life, just so he can be free. He's got a wicked collection of things that I can't remember, but he most certainly has got it. James also loves roses and being all-around fabulous. He's also an experienced hole-digger and looks amazing in a bikini. Did I mention he's also in a gang? That bad boy.

3. Roronoa Zoro (One Piece)

A sword in your mouth? Why would you even...

Fuck yeah, Zorro's on this lis-oh it's someone completely different. Just going by the fact that he wields three swords makes me believe this guy looks like he's overcompensating and not very bright, but he does have great teeth. I wonder if he's natural green-haired guy. Being a pirate means his life is full of adventure and tussles with the law. I'm starting to worry about this pattern of criminals though.

2. Maes Hughes (Fullmetal Alchemist)

He can turn lead into gold, and knees into jelly.

Finally, someone who isn't a villain for once. Now Mr Hughes is a dreamboat and a bro. He's a snappy dresser, great family man, social and silly, but still knows when he has to be serious. I spite of annoying his friends and family on purpose, the guy is kind and loyal to them  all the time and supports them, even if he disagrees. He's also got a sick beard and wears a uniform.

1. Vash the Stampede (Trigun)

Yes yes, he has a big gun.

Now Vash is a weird one. He's a nice guy who likes to stay low profile, so he keeps trying to act incompetent to get out of having do this. Turns out he's actually good at what he does... "shootin' dudes". However this does bring up an issue because he doesn't believe in killing. So we end up with a pacifist gunman. The boy's rocking a Vanilla Ice haircut and is his body is covered in scars from top to bottom. I heard the wimmins dig scars and if that's even remotely true, then it doesn't surprise me he's rocking the first place here. LAB AND PEAS

Womans

 

5. Francine Smith (American Dad)

I like my women like I like my coffee: Batshit fucking crazy.

Ah, Francine. Your typical cartoon trophy-wife, except she turns out to have an actual character. Francine is all sorts of hilariously crazy and apparently a bit of a thrill-seeker. She considers George Clooney to be a knob too, which is a plus in my book.

4. American Maid (The Tick)

Sorry, no entiendo 'stop hitting me with your shoe'.

OK, I don't really know who this, so I'm going to have to make blind assumptions about the appeal again. So this lady appears to be a superhero. She appears to be pretty patriotic, going by the design of her outfit. I'm not really into the whole maid thing, but I won't judge Allie if she is. Oh wait, her name is also a pun. Puns are catnip for Allie.

3. Anthy Himemiya (Revolutionary Girl Utena)

Not much junk but plenty of baggage.

Oh boy. I knew this was coming. So this bug-eyed anime girl has glasses, purple hair and one of the very few dark-skinned animated protagonists that I know of. From what I understand, she has both a shy schoolgirl and an extrovert warrior princess in uniform thing going on. She also has a thing for the ladies. Is there something you'd like to tell us, Allie?

2. Janine (The Real Ghostbusters)

I wonder who she's going to call..

Now this I get. Janine Melnitz is a nasal, snarky and sassy redhead secretary that understands the art of late-night snacking. While it often seems like she only gives just enough shits to keep her job, she does seem to have her heart in the right place. It’s been alluded a few times that bustin’ would make her feel good too, but I haven’t seen enough of the show that she actually got a shot at it. She loves to rock lots of tacky, kitschy things,  mini-skirts and pointy old-lady glasses. Rawr.

1. Carmen Sandiego (Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego)

Where in the world is my innocence?

It's been another while since we had another villain in here. Carmen isn't so much a professional as she is an educational troll. This stylish badass likes to pull off astonishing heists and outwit the brightest minds on the planet. Carmen is mysterious, not just because she knows how to fly under the radar, but also because she dresses like Darkwing Duck. But yeah, I totally get it. She's an ambitious badgirl girl long wavy hair. I also made it through this entire paragraph without even referencing Where Is Waldo once!

Tobi 

Mans

5. Kronk Pepikrankenitz (Emperor’s New Groove)

Human sacrifice? What about just some samosas this time? Guys?

Aww, isn’t he just a cutie pie!? Good choice actually. This kinda ex-henchman typical airheaded brute is a super genius chef, and talks to squirrels or something? He’s underappreciated  for his talents and always eager to please, he’d probably be a dreamy boyfriend, if a little subservient? He’s not so competent in the business of evil schemes but he’s got his shit together in the kitchen.

4. Casey Jones (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

A typical Canadian.

Gotta be honest, man, it’s been a while since I saw the turtles cartoon. I don’t really remember this guy to well, but I believe he’s a sortof ghetto vigilante out to help the turtles? He’s got a mid 90s ripped jeans and tank top thing going on, and carrying around a bunch of sports equipment like he’s playing legend of zelda in the schoolyard. Not sure what I make of that. Part of me wonders if he’s a really swell guy, or if Tobi is just a total 90s kid sports nerd.

3. Launchpad McQuack (Ducktales)

But... ducks can already fly...

HAHAHAHA Launchpad :’) He is a duck! He’s like got an Indiana Jones thing going on, only derpier. And he can’t land a plane.

2. Dean McCoppin (Iron Giant)

Sorry, 'bro', I work with derwent, not faber-castell.

A nice character with a lot of personality from a really decent film. However, there is a reason that I call him ‘Douchey McSoulpatch.’ Dude is an ‘artiste’. He’s so... well... you know, right? Right? LOOK AT HIS TINY BEARD. 

1. Maes Hughes (Fullmetal Alchemist)

LOOK AT PICTURE OF MY CHILD

Fact that this guy made it on both our lists is sayin’ something. He’s the perfect man except for the being dead thing. He’s crazy for his wife and daughter, he winds all his coworkers up in such a cute way, but he has to pay the price for having the most integrity and bravery of them all. I’d love to be his wife except for the bit where he dies and that’s really really sad. Also he’s pretty in the face.

Womans

 

5. Nani Pelekai (Lilo & Stitch)

Dat nose. You want to beep it.

The forgotten Disney babe, Nani has got it going on. She’s fun-loving and curvaceous and runs around in a bikini a lot (man, it’s Hawaii though). She’s hard working and sensitive, but she’s also pretty immature and short-tempered, but then her little sister and stitch are pretty terrible. I guess I like that she’s kinda ‘real’. She’s not some sweet voiced princess and she’ll never get to be.

4. Elizabeth Hoover (The Simpsons)

There are no Google images of her not looking disapproving

lolwut? Heh... ok.. wow uh... yeah. Lisa’s schoolteacher. I guess this is no worse than my Francene choice though. Miss Hoover is cynical and irate... but I guess she has that geek chick thing going on? She’s like less creepy than Edna Krabappel, and less tedious than Maude Flanders.

3. Toronga Leela (Futurama)

Next to ducks and aliens, mutants seem...meh.

I’m kinda glad in a weird way that Tobi seems to be into cranky bitches. Makes me feel a little better. Leela is a kinda cheesy ‘butt-kicking’ babe. She’s kindof a sucker when it comes to men though, and she’s pretty violent and short tempered. She switches between being the only rational one and being the maniacal vengeful psychopath.

2. April O’Neil (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

Also she shares my passion for pockets. :')

April is always on dude’s lists. I think it might be the yellow jumpsuit. There’s something about women in onesies... Also nobody believes me when I point out that she’s got massive jugs, but she TOTALLY does. April is always trying to help the turtles, but I believe she always just gets captured. It’s not usually due to her own incompetence though, I mean she is up against a bunch of ninjas and a giant mutant warthog and rhino. And that dude who is like a brain in a human suit. Anyway, she’s pretty sassy I guess. Punches above her weight and courage is pretty sexy.

1. Velma Dinkley (Scooby Doo)

Oh Jinkies, Tobi. *giggle*

Heehee x) So cute! Any guy who votes for velma is a big fat vote for nerd girls. Velma has low self esteem written all over her with the big bulky jumper and 70s folk singer haircut. But she’s the one who carries the team every time! She uses her technical knowledge and critical eye to figure out the mysteries while everyone else just derps around eating sandwiches and being pretty. She should have been the star of the show, but instead she’s just backup for the worlds wimpiest great dane and his pet tramp. At least we all know better.

So now we know more than we ever needed to: Allie is a japanophile, Tobi is a furry but only for ducks, and frankly, badboys are nearly impossible to avoid because apparently the rule of cartoons is male characters are either vapid princes, evil, or children. Also geek chicks rule, no bias here...

But you know what else we learned? We ain't chicken.

Bad Movie Bingo

OK so there's this game Tobi and I like to play when we're watching a movie that we really don't have high expectations for. It's pretty simple. Without knowing more about a film than the trailer, we make predictions of horrible cliches that we expect the film to fulfil. Then we fill a bingo card and see how well we do.

It's a great game for if you're frequently forced by peers or loved ones to watch films you're not expecting to enjoy, or if you're just a movie masochist like us. Oh, and

*~SPOILER ALERT!~*

Well, an entire CGI film based entirely around a rather weak pun. I'm sure you're all wondering why on earth we expected this to suck balls and be full of dumb jokes? A lot of our proposals were slightly tipped off by the nature of the trailer, but nothing guaranteed of course. Still, it managed 4 lines.

Gnomeo and Juliette is an insulting retelling of a classic tale based around a single pun. If it wasn't for the fact that we were playing this bingo game, I would have bailed after 20 minutes. The movie has zero redeeming qualities and isn't even fun to mock. You know your project is poisonous when people don't even want to give your trailer a chance.

Score: 4x bingo

 

Oh my god this movie is as BORING as it is sexist. So this kid is a little shit that doesn't appreciate his mum and then his mum gets kidnapped by aliens. This alien planet is completely ran by authoritarian women and the men are banished into the garbage landfill. The blokes don't mind this because they are stupid uneducated hicks anyway. Then blah blah bullshit happens and we learn the valuable lesson that mums are people too.

I would rate this as the worst film on on BMB so far, and that's saying something. It's got the uncanny valley aspect of polar express, the tedium of polar express, the lack of imagination of polar express, and you get the idea. But where the polar express was sickeningly christmassy, this was just... kinda sickening. Also, guys, don't mocap adults for children models. I could actually tell it was Seth Green, and that was weird.

Score: 2x bingo

Where it says 'suspicious lion king similarities' that should be underlined in red marker. It was like watching a furry fanfiction written, directed and animated by everyone from the lion king fanart community, which yes, is a thing. This film about wolves trying to get their 'howl' on with each other was straight-up creepy.

I'd say you have already seen this movie without seeing it, but that would be a lie. There are few movies that are as formulaic as this one, but the execution here is just dreadful. One of the ugliest movies we have seen in our entire lives and I can't stress enough how awkward that whole 'howling' thing was.

Score: 2x bingo

Sweet! Our bingo sheet has a Zorro sign. Topical! This movie is pretty much a parody movie of a spaghetti western, but with lots of cats being hispanic stereotypes. Surprisingly enough it wasn't shit. Another shocker was the lack of 'cat' puns! Lots of 'egg' ones though.

Ok so this one was better than I expected. I kinda really dug humpty dumpty's animation, it really cracked me up (haaa) and out of all of these terrible movies, this one is probably the only one worth seeing. I'm not saying the story was particularly good and the gags are hit and miss, but... eh.. I liked it. I know a lot of people don't like shrek films though, so WHATEVER. Go ahead and watch mars needs moms then. I dare ya.


Allie, please. You don't want that on your conscience.

Score: 3x bingo

How not to HD

Hey Allie, great news! Our beloved Ace Attorney series is getting a high resolution remastering for iOS devices. This means people will be able to enjoy the series with new and improved visu-

Sometimes there are grey areas within the legal system.

Oh.

Oh that's right bitches! We need to talk. We need to talk about HD remakes. In particular, up-rezzing pixel art style games. It's all the rage to be porting old games to the ipad, console downloadables, etc. and for some reason they think people are going to need to redraw the graphics to make them fit the new resolution. That's fine... unless you do it really poorly. So that it looks tons worse than the original. 

At least they gave you more Dominic Armato. <3

It's not like we have anything against HD 2D games. I think we can safely say that we both love 2D art, regardless of the resolution and there are tons of absolutely gorgeous examples out there. It really pains me to see things that could only been the work of dark voodoo magic and the blood sacrifice of any nostalgia you might have had for a property.

Actually there are plenty of ways to achieve this: automated filters and re-drawing software, or good old fashioned cheap and half-assed manual labour without any art direction. Because, hey, its all already there right? You just need to basically fill it out with more pixels, like how they inject water into meat to make it bigger.

IT IS I, MARIO.

Unfortunately, sprites are optimised for their purpose; meaning they'll be charicaturised in funny ways to fit the blocky constraints, and the anatomy doesn't work so well when it's all zoomed in on. 

Exactly. You don't approach a piece of art the same way if your workspaces are 24x32 and 144x192 in size. The canvas of the HD remaster-sprites are often as large as the entire screen of the original games they are basing it on! And let's not even get into how "HD" iOS games aren't technically even HD yet.

Of course, with a lot of these HD versions they keep the number of animation frames the same. So the graphics might look like the latest uncharted game, but it'll still move like a space invader!

Help, I have back problems.

All this proves is that high res art isn't inherently superior. Even if the individual elements are competently done, like in the case of the Final Fantasy remake, seeing those assets in motion is pretty nasty. You have larger, detailed sprites that still have the same chugging 2 frames of animation. When your size and amount of detail increases, your animation needs to follow.

Let's just make a new rule to say that if you can't make it look better, why not just keep it the way it was? It'll save you a bunch of extra work and development costs.

Hello there, stock photoshop texture on the walls.

Man look at this shit. The line quality, the half-assed background. 
  
You're not doing it right if your 256x192 assets stretched out to the far corners of the world look better than your HD remastering. The texture that's on the walls and the little statue he's holding are practically the same too! Not to mention there is practically zero depth in there because of it.

This is a Capcom game, folks!

Aran out of ideas.

Here, I did my own 5-minute attempt at a sprite remaster as an example. See how the anatomy just doesn't work any more when you stick to proportions of the old sprite. Samus' head has no reason to be this big any longer and that arm blaster looks all dinky and weird when it's this short.

Actually, I think that looks pretty good! I kinda like it.

Sigh.

Maybe this is just an example of how easy it could be to do a good HD remake if you just put the effort in?

;o; But I DIDN'T put effort into that!

So you made an ugly game, but why do Allie and Tobi consider that to be such a terrible crime?
BECAUSE YOU'RE RUINING OUR FAVOURITE GAMES!