Sunday, 11 May 2014

HYTIB Reviews Eurovision 2014 Finals: Storms, cakes and facial hair.

So what a weird bunch we ended up with this year. Not as much embarrassingly dated stuff, or maybe I'm just getting old. Nothing we're really rooting so hard for yet either. An obsession with rain and storms, fashionable facial hair and using playground equipment as a central prop. #justdanishthings

Since we already scored most of the songs on the semifinals, we'll just be reminiscing about them and adding scores for the cheeky bastards who get to bypass the semi-finals.


Ukraine, ikraine, we all crane to see whats going on

Ah yeah, this is that clock song. It wasn’t so bad.
It was one of the few songs I remember.
Don’t reckon itll win though.
Yeah, I agree. The most “controversial” and/or gimmicky one wins, because that is what this music festival is about.


Don’t remember these guys.
Oh this was that one called cheesecake. It was sorta lame. Maybe going for a robin thicke vibe?
Oh yeah. The guys that didn't know what Cheesecake meant.
Oh geez. How did this make it?

Sometimes they make train sounds for no reason.
Well too bad. They aren’t getting choo-choo-chosen.

"I'm tired of being Joseph Cheesecake"?
That guy is officially known as JOSEPH CHEESECAKE.


Ok i sorta remember the jungle gym twins.
It's one of those songs I remember by the background props, but not the actual song.

This is sorta a chore to sit though isn’t it?
I don’t know why some countries insist on sending such a downer of a song?

I almost want Cheesecake back.
Joseph where are you? D:

Make LAVA.


It's the fucking Wiggles.
Cousins of Teletubbies
Oh my lord it is them!

They had the decency to be upbeat and interesting though.
The Wiggles are my favourites thus far.


Oh I see, they really did send Iceland in to break up all the super downer songs.

This song is more listenable to than the last downer song. I think they should make a rule next year. ONLY FUN SONGS.
All infringements of this should be taken up in the international court the The Hague.


Don't remember this one either… was there a third semi we missed?
Me neither.
Oh come on, this one was the one with rubbish green screen effect, circle piano and dude who looks and gesticulates like Aziz Ansari!
I fear there will be a lot of entries that we'll exclusively be able to remember by their gimmick, and not their song. But I guess that's what wins votes anyway. Gimmicks go a long way.

it's better than that fire one.
I already forgot the fire one. e_e


This is that dubsteppy one.
Yeah, this was the first song.

I don't like that he's basically angry at me
I guess its kinda cool that the song sorta changes, its not boring at least. But I dunno, its not really that great either.

Makes me want to download internet explorer.


Laggy stream today. Must be all those Chinese viewers.
I got stuck on him making a creepy kissy face.

I literally have nothing to say about this, and I see I'm not the only one. Everyone must have gone to the bathroom and got a refill on their drinks.


Oh boy its ur favrit.
It's so halfarsed and SHIT.
This is not singing either.


I think they want a hot Slavic bath.
They are being hella filthy, that's for sure.


These guys made it in? :|
I told you man. I warned you dogg.

I just realised, this is the dude version of the previous song.
Putting the ‘tramp’ in trampoline.


She still has the worst beard. It looks drawn on with a sharpie. 2/10 Step up your game.

Thing is, the song, to me, isn't the worst, but I don't quite understand the statement she's trying to make.
The drag scene and cabaret entertainment have a long history. I don't think it's as much of a statement as it is a stage persona.

Oh I'm fine with those things, I just don’t really like the song all that much.

Germany - "Is It Right"

First new song of the evening... and it's already shit.

Can you win at anything with an accordion?

I like accordion and cello gals. They look like they’re having fun.
I think a lot of these entries forget to have fun.

I don’t wanna be right.
It's kinda fun
I fear it isn’t “right”


Lotta sad songs about storms.
OH! It's the Frozen song.

Yeah. You know what though actually, I can see this doing pretty ok.
Song isn’t too great, but her performance is pretty good.

France - "Moustache"

What the fuck, France? They built a hot tub time machine to get those dudes.

Hipster warning. Lock your doors and windows, don’t let kids and the elderly outside.

...what in the world.
I want to see tobi’s face so bad right now.
Somewhere between 8| and B|

I have decided this is great and i love this.

Every one of these people look like they got ripped out of that Doug cartoon
Haha nailed it.

Feelin' it
Weird Al noooooooooooooooo





Yeah I still kinda like this song.
I still like the teeter totter.
Hey you know how some of these songs are a bit frozen-esque, doesn't this one sorta remind you of Tangled?

Y'know, I mean, do you think maybe Russia shoulda saved this act for when the rest of Europe doesn't totally hate them?
Crimea river

Italy - "La mia città"

Her mic wasn't on!

I love the outfit. It’s like miss marvel meets Soul Calibur.

Is that guy playing a fucking KEYTAR?

I kinda like this one guys.
It’s fine, but it goes in one ear and out the other. e_e
True. It’s all show and no tune.

Literally feelin' it

The guy that was dancing to France, dances well with this too
I'm going to keep the gif open so I can judge songs based on how well he can groove to it

These romans are crazy
Was ok


This one was ok too.

Flautists blow though.
We do

Do you like her big booty dress, T?

I want this song to lose the most.

Yes, I do.


Still sorta like this one. In fact, this one might have a really good chance?
I like the guy’s voice, but he’s hard to understand half the time still.

Oh god strobe warning.

Spain - "Dancing in the Rain"

Oh great, the roof broke and it started leaking inside.

I like that her hair is wet.

She’s a good singer, but it was the most generic song of the evening.
Yeah I guess forgettable but fairly pleasant.

Slightly moist
Wet blanket


I still like the whistling opening.

The only thing I thought of here was the Muppets Movie.


This song seems kinda effed up.
Yeah, the lyrics of this are a little weird.

You are kidding absolutely no one with that violin, son.


Oh yeah, the domestic abuse song.

Yeah I guess its a bit of a downer for eurovision but its kindof a good tune.


Mumford and Nick Cage’s sons.
hehe yeah.

He never closes his eyes. I think he’s a vampire.

Denmark - "Cliché Love Song"

Oh geez. High school musical.
Bruno Mars.

It’s a fun song though.
Yes c:

Scooby dooby doo
It was alright


I remember not-the-police. Man I was right, like 50% of these songs are about rain and/or storms. What’s the deal?
Disney’s Frozen, storms, playground equipment and cakes are the running themes here.

San Marino

What's the matter, Homer? Ain’t ya never seen a naked chick riding a clam before?

United Kingdom - "Children of the Universe"

You guys are sending Cheetara from Thundercats this year.
'Children of the Universe' More like Masters of the Universe.

Now you guys are just mocking the fact that you don't have to enter the semis.
Pretty much. cx
It’s not great, but we've done a lot worse.

She actually looks bored.
Yeah kindof a lethargic performance. It’s because we don't get any sunshine.

She-ra, princess of power-ballad.
“Meh” Much like the last few yea
Thoroughly meh

OK what do you predict, and what was your fav?

I don't know what to predict because it's never anything I want, so probably that boring shit fire one for predictions, and favourite was probably Switzerland I guess.
I think Austria will win, but if it were up to me, I'd pick France because they'll probably lose the hardest and they gave me the dancy man gif.
I'm gonna go with Finland. Kinda really liked Russia too, but... yknow.

Whatever, I'm off to bed! G'night, gals.

And the winner is...

Austria. Congrats from all three of us! None of us were super crazy about it, but we're glad one of the songs that we remembered won. We could have done much worse.

See you guys next year!

1 comment:

  1. Having your semi scores made the final much more fun. How come so few people could actually sing ?