Foodfight! - The worst animated film ever?

I was introduced to this film’s existence through stories of its horrible development history not too long ago, but when I saw the trailer, I knew in my heart what had to be done. I shone the Al-signal into the sky and waited in the blog-cave. For those who don’t know, which is probably going to be a lot of you, Foodfight! is an animated movie about store-brands fighting against the evil BRAND X. It was in the making for at least 10 years and stars the voice talents of Charlie Sheen, Christopher Lloyd, Eva Longoria, Wayne Brady, Hilary Duff... With a description like that, how could it fail?

I wonder who this could be.

Tobi’s weird hobby is making me watch the worst films he can find. Having obligingly watched everything he sent me, from Birdemic to Mars Needs Moms, I’m now no stranger to some of the worst movies ever. So bring it, FoodfightALLONEWORDWITHEXCLAMATIONMARK.

Not knowing what exactly to expect, we made a bingo sheet for this movie. Not a Foodfight! specific one, as we would normally have done, just a completely generic card that only applies to the most clichéd shit possible. We obtained 13 out of the possible 16 squares without even trying.

We even had to leave many other clichés out that would have been a bit as well, but we decided against it because expanding the bingo sheet would have been more work than the makers put into their entire film, and that’d be a bit weird.

So the trailer is really all you need to see to get a good feel of the tone and quality, but the part it leaves out is the baffling levels of sexual innuendo and thinly masked adult jokes. Dan the ebonic-voiced chocolate cereal themed Squirrel (I’m not kidding) spouts some really dank sexual harassment's at random women, and ‘Brand X’ mascot lady has some of the most drawn out ‘seduction scenes’ I've ever seen, involving her in a fetish school uniform wrapping her legs around a cartoon dog.

Haaa! You thought I was exaggerating didn't you?

Here’s a list of some of the worst, creepiest lines from the movie:

• ‘It warms my heart the way you love my raisins, tough guy.’ 
• ‘I wanna scrub your bubbles, Dex.’ 
• 'Oh Mamasita! Yo, Sweet Cakes! Nice packaging! *makes curvaceous body feeling gesture* How about some chocolate frosting?’ 
• "I'd like to butter your muffin" 
• ‘Size only counts for men.’ 
• ‘I’m gonna pop your corn, Lady.’

Remember that popular cameron diaz cat girl raisin brand?

Crap CG movies also tend to have terrible lessons, so here’s a list of some this movie puts forth:

• Ugly people are bad and should be called out on being ugly, because facts are facts.
• Big brands taking over the smaller ones is against the American way.
• Believe in yourself, even if it’s ‘suicidal’.
• Men can’t fight back against women, only women can fight women.
• Nobody bats an eyelid at interspecies sexual harassment.
• Brand names can somehow recall other brands.

'I'm not very good at animation, but wait... I have an idea.'

Other things of note:

• The enemy army were BASICALLY nazis but with a napoleon-like caricature.
• At least 3 instances of farting on people.
• There’s one scene where Brand X lady strikes a pose and planes fly out from behind her crotch area.
• There’s a creepy weasel character who looks like a dildo with the texture of a salami log.
• Tobi wasn’t sure if he was awake or in a weird nightmare while watching this film.
• If you think this movie looks about on par with a Nintendo 64 game, then you are correct.
• This film’s budget was $65,000,000. Let that sink in.

They spent a lot on unpleasant textures.

I thought Hoodwinked was a disgustingly ugly movie and Alpha and Omega was even gnarlier than that. This lowered the bar so significantly that we had to make it fire-proof to survive the earth's core.

Congrats, ‘Foodfight!’.

I give this film a nightmarish hell world out of 10.

Allie and Tobi Watch an Anime

Tobi made us watch a 6 episode anime OVA called 'Golden Boy'. I didn't know what to expect, but after about 30 seconds I knew we would need to write some things about this.

I'd just like to stress that watching this was really not my idea.

Naked titties! This looks promising.

So each episode begins with a most hilarious intro in which a SUPER SERIOUS guy gets on his bike rides around on his bike... yeah that's it. And the theme music is like... it's sort of like the kind of tune you get when you've been put on hold.
It cannot be stressed enough how this opening sequence never stops being really strange and long, no matter how many times you see it.

Episode 1 - Golden Boy shows women how to do computers, women show everyone how coders dress.

Coders.

Tobi, Um... I think you might have accidentally got a fan dub? You know those things where internet 'comedians' do their own audio track with goofy voices.

No, as much as it sounds like Egoraptor riffing the show, I'm pretty sure this is the real deal. The English dub is the main reason I was told to watch this.

Yikes. This is one of THOSE animes, isn't it? The ones that aren't exactly porn but... basically are.

Finally, a way to consume gripping porn scenarios and acting, without having all that sex stuff getting in the way

So, this woman dressed like space hooker turns out to be part of an all-female software company, which is pretty cool... then the main character spends all the time creeping on them, including rubbing his face on the toilet seat (shenanigans! hoho!)  then he deletes all their data, then they get pissed, then he turns out to be a super genius and he rewrites it all better than it was before! IN YOUR FACE FEMINISM! Wait, what?


Episode 2: Golden Boy gets raped.

Yep, this right here is the running gag.

So the premise of the show is that this genius 20-something travels around the country taking odd jobs and learning life lessons. (by creeping on women)

This time around, our 'hero' is working for the re-election campaign of a crooked mayor. He ends up getting to know the politician's daughter. She takes an interest in our Golden Boy and plots to sexually harass him non-stop under the guise of tutoring.

It turns out her THANG is setting up men she meets as rapists and then reporting them to her gangster dad who then murders them I guess. Women, amirite?

We are subjected to a lot of Shy Anime Girl Sequences(TM) where she blushes and "accidentally" shows her underwear a lot. The then has internal monologues about how foolish our guy is for falling her for womanly tricks.

But the hero managed to get the better of her by making her feel sorry for him or something? And they all laugh it off like all the rape was no biggie. This has the creepiest part in the entire show, where the girl's father admits that the fact that the hero admitted to being a rapist (even though he wasn't) showed an unusual amount of honesty that might make him suitable husband material. 

What. The actual. Fuck.


Episode 3: Golden Boy makes noodles and does some White Knight-ing.

Tobi is that y-SORRY SORRY SORRY

This time our boy is working in a local noodle shop. There is a strange emptiness while watching the first 5 minutes of the episode already... as if something is missing. 

Oh, what?! He's actually not creeping on anyone for once.

Well, this is weird. I keep waiting for him to stick his head on a toilet seat like the last two episodes and it just hasn't happened.


The episode is about a charming stranger wooing the noodle shop owners' daughter. He seems clean, friendly and like he has his shit together... Something HAS to be up.
Allie, please disspell this mythical stand-up guy.

WOOP WOOP WOOP Cliche misogynist alert! I hope this guy isn't bad news for a naive small town girl.
There's a weird bit where the hero gets french kissed by the creepy dude who's trying to mac on the girl and misses. He's trying to marry his way into stealing the noodle shop, and has a real girlfriend on the side. Blah blah blah the hero saves the family business, tries to spare the girls feelings in a half-assed way, everyone eats noodles the end.

Maybe this show was only being creepy to bring in viewers and now it's going to get a bit more sensitive?


Episode 4: Golden Boy has bondage fantasies during children's swimming lessons.

See? It's just like drowning a puppy!

Golden Boy comes across a woman he keeps describing as 'wild', 'beast-like' and 'exotic'. I'm not sure what the deal with this is. Is this subtle racism? She has slightly darker of a skin-tone than the rest and he keeps making references to African savannah's (while fantasizing about her being a dominatrix.)

Our hero managed to somehow convince this woman that he could be a swimming instructor for little children. This is AFTER he's already popped a public boner from looking at women's crotches while just creepily hanging out outside the pool, and also after he's proved he can't swim. GOOD CHOICE.

To be fair, his swimming demonstration was pretty amazing


He got to work in the pool on the condition that he could beat the Olympic champion owner in x-amount of weeks in a swimming race. During practice he swam his face straight into her downstairs-business, which promptly got him his ass kicked and fired. Finally the first reasonable reaction to his bullshit. It's good to see an episode where they don't try to validate this guy's behaviour and character. The episode's over, right?

WRONG, the meat of the episode is actually that the hero teaches the swimming instructors to be more kind and caring with the children instead of forcing them underwater and stuff. He's actually pretty good with kids, so yet again the victims of his sexual abuse get to learn valuable lessons from him.


Episode 5: Golden Boy watches a woman have sex with a motorbike.

Terrible.

Golden Boy comes across a woman who appears to be dry-humping her motorcycle. Maybe she's just really into driving and hes fantasi-no.. wait... I think she really is humping the motorbike.

He goes to work in a TRADITIONAL JAPANESE establishment where the refined kimono wearing noble is secretly the thrill-seeking motorbike...humper. He gets fired again for rubbing his face all over the TRADITIONAL JAPANESE toilet. (I'm not joking.)

This is usually where the episode ends, but we're barely into this one. I'm dreading where they'll take this.

What he actually ends up doing is start camping outside of the TRADITIONAL JAPANESE establishment and stalks the aforementioned noble lady into an abandoned warehouse. Creepy, but nothing out of the ordinary for our hero. She then proceeds to hump her bike again, this time in nothing but a thong. After she insults the male sex a bit for being inadequate, she challenges him to a race. If he can catch her on her bike, she'll sleep with him.

Golden Boy pulls out some absolute Shia Labeouf style bullshit where he just flies through the air and cycles over power lines. It's sort of amusing that when he cycles he has to yell out his weird catch-phrase chant which is 'STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY' But it's still just the biggest load of bullshit I ever did see. He ends up launching himself off a cliff, and motorcycle chick feels slightly bad but is mostly in awe of his daredevil attitude and totally wants to bang him now. It turns out he's not dead, but he cycles away into the distance because that's just how he rolls.


Episode 6: Golden Boy doesn't jerk off half as much as the show's creators.

Animators! You so craaaayseh!

Oooh boy. Animation studio episode! I’m expecting self-referential humour here rather than an insightful gaze into the life of a Japanese animator.

Bingo! They're working under a super mean executive lady who yells at everyone and they have a ridiculous deadline to meet. Golden boy is the errands-boy and keeps going on about how amazing everyone job and work is and how talented they all are.

Tobi has apparently gone to the bathroom FOREVER so I'm going to finish this post solo. They talk about boobs and the creator is some dude who mostly does porn for a living, but for some reason they're making a short family-friendly film about small children and a demon.

Golden Boy gets all the women he met in the previous episodes to help out in some way to finish the animated film on time - the programmers do some CGI, the mafia daughter does voice acting, the motorcyclist delivers work, etc. I guess that's a cute idea for a way to end the series.

Cute like a rapist.

Well! That was Golden Boy. If you're easily offended, good news! This show will probably offend everyone else too. The voice acting makes it pretty easy to laugh your way through incredulously but there are probably better ways to waste 120 minutes of your precious, precious life.
I grade this an F-- out of 10. STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY harder next time!

Games 'Improved' with Medusa Heads

So.. if you've ever played a Castlevania game you'd know the notorious series staple that is the floating Medusa heads. In a pretty intense area of platforming, the designers will put in these floating Medusa heads that move across the screen, passing through walls and floors and if they bump into you they hurt you, push you over, and temporarily turn you into stone. Charming. In Tobi's words: 'Fuck the person who came up with them seriously'

People love hard games though. Here at HYTIB, we're such HARDKOOORE GAMERZZZZZZZZ you don't even know. So we're going to 'improve' other classic games by inserting Medusa heads to ENHANCE THE EXPERIENCE.

You're very welcome.

Mega Man 2

King's Quest

Okami

Harvest Moon

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Tetris

BattleToads

Trauma Center

Trials

So... yeah. This is how we spent our Sunday nights.

Paper Mario is having none of that.

Anthropomorphic Action Heroes 20-doz Results!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dudes and Babes, I present to you:

Duck Face (woo-hoo)

by Tobi

The Outcats

by Allie

And our brilliant guest entry,

Phil McCrackin' & Savannah Shore

by Zimmette

This went well, I think. 'Coming soon to a fan-subbed dvd rip uploaded in 12 parts to a youtube playlist near you! '

Anthropomorphic Action Heroes 20-doz Challenge!

Remember that time Tobi made me draw 151 pokemon in a weekend? Good times. Now it's my turn. So we had this conversation about hilarious 90s anthro 'toons... (and how Tobi would like to be a mermaid with a seashell bra, but that's mostly irrelevant.) Now I want to challenge anyone reading who's up for it:

I want you to design your own 3-4 man gang of those TMNT-wannabe animal-themed action heroes - but UPDATED to try and relate to the kidzzzz of 2012.

Here's some of the most prolific examples of what I'm on about:

Biker Mice from Mars

Street Sharks

Extreme Dinosaurs

and of course,

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

But you see, their cringeworthy pandering to the youth market is pretty dated. Biker jackets, roller blades, shoulder mounted rocket launchers... ok maybe those are timeless. But denim is dead. We need some new mutants. With fashion that's trying way too hard for THIS generation.

You have all week. Deadline is... eh, sometime this weekend. Come oooon. It'll be funny.

Review: StarTropics (NES)

It's summer time and it's unbearably hot. Save me digital escapism! Take me away to the cool, breezy land of ...StarTropics? Godda-

Gameplay-wise I was told it was very similar to the original Zelda on the NES, but I'm not entirely sure if that comparison is all that valid. You have the save slot selection screen of Zelda 1, the overhead perspective, visit many dungeons in which you combat enemies and solve puzzles, but that's pretty much how deep the comparison goes.

I disagree a little.. I feel like maybe in this day and age, you’d have to be familliar with a lot of the gameplay of zelda to get to grips with startropics. I feel like if i was a total newb to old zelda games the way this game works would mystify me a little? Though a lot of NES games did when I was a kid. For example, I had ghostbusters on the spectrum my whole life and I never figured that out.

Oh my! Thank you for noticing.

You play as Americola citizen Mike Jones, the nephew of the famous archeologist Dr. Jones. (I know, it's very subtle like that) Mike's iconic design is stuff for the ages. He wears a plain white T-shirt and a pair of jeans.

Feel like he’s missing a red baseball cap and a skateboard.. Though.. he DOES fight with a yoyo and baseball bat... Earthbound, anyone?

Sorry, I can't hear you - It's 1990 and I'm being wacky!

The controls of this game are really tight. In fact, it felt way too tight to my initial chagrin. Everything in the world is locked to a grid. This might sound restrictive, and it is, but it is by design. It allows the game to turn into a puzzle platformer. The game is littered with blocks to jump on, many which reveal switches, which in turn trigger other things.

Heh, I guess it’s good for a NES game. I wouldn’t say the crude platform action stands the test of time or anything. Also fuck those mosquito things man. God damn. I guess they are the worst antagonists of warm climates though. The blocks-as-switches thing is really this games main mechanic, but that really is way better than it sounds! It’s actually surprisingly well designed easily comparable to a zelda dungeon given its limitations. Every room has a new strategy that challenges you. 

Oh, you know... just doing some archaeology.

The absolute weirdest thing StarTropics has going is a running gag of bananas and cola. These weird jokes will pop up all the time, including right at the end next to the villain. That said, I must admit I kind of enjoyed the scenarios and pieces of dialogue. It was a simple adventure story and they did it reasonably well.

Yeah the dialogue is... I’ve seen worse localisations. And the story is, um... well.. it’s very ‘of its time’. It keeps you going, though. Well paced. Also there’s a parrot who says ‘do me.’ 

Well, if it's a BOY dolphin.

Positives:
- The game closes by showing you full-screen pictures of many of the key-moments in the game. I must admit... I'm a sucker for these kinds of things. It not only gives you a nice reminder of everything you've done in the game, but also shows the scenes with more detail in place. The graphical fidelity of the NES leaves a lot up to your imagination, so these pictures were pretty darn cool.
- There’s a puzzle in the game that makes you dig up the letter attached to the game’s manual. If you soak this letter into some water, a secret message will appear. While I probably don’t want to see this ever again in a game, I do like it for novelty and meta-game reasons. I bet if I played this as a kid, it would have been incredibly memorable.
- Perhaps a little dumb and superficial, but the submarine. It is your main mode of transportation on the overworld and usually the bridge between chapters. It allows you to zoom from island to island and dive in designated spots. Inside of it is a good old R.O.B. who will keep you up to speed on your tasks at hand.
- Good dungeon design. It’s packed with secrets, tricky platform jumping puzzles, enemies require strategies, etc.
- Pretty lenghty for an NES title. Especially impressive because it isn’t really artificially padded either.
- Yes, there is crossdressing.

Negatives:
- Many of the dungeons have seemingly innocent paths which are actually exits. This essentially forces you to redo the entire dungeon you were on.
- Throughout the game you’ll encounter many invisible passages. On the overworld they aren’t too difficult to find, as the explorable world is never too big and you’ll often see paths you can’t reach, so you’ll know there must be a way to get there. In the dungeons, however, you often have to run blindly into a wall, which takes you to a secret area. Luckily most of these places in the dungeons are not required to beat the game.
- Some of the puzzles are a little bit baffling or misleading.
- Towards the end the game it gets super frustrating, the first part of the last dungeon is nightmarish and the boss is a total pain.

Up yours, Kridley! Imma kick you in the power cells.

It’s no Kirby’s Dreamland, but it’s one NES game I sure would have loved when I was a kid, considering how many crappy ones there were, often way tricky and without save files. To complete it with the patience of an adult though, I did need those emulator save states ;)

Agreed. I was overally positive surprised and could probably recommend it to people with a nose for retro games. I’d give it a pretty dope out of ten.

Five favourite movies x2

It's that time of year again, girls and boys. We're doing another list thingy, but because finding a consensus in rather person things can be quite difficult, we decided to cut a big top 10 into two smaller of five. This has the added benefit of putting on Hard Mode in our co-op lists: Picking your own entries, but not being able to defend your choices yourself. If your picks are being misrepresented, then tough luck. This time we'll be doing one where we'll pick 5 of our all-time favourite movies in no particular order. Let's get things started.

Mr Tobi’s List, described by Ms Allie

Amadeus

'OLOLOLOLOLOL' - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart 1775

I watched Amadeus with Tobi a while ago, and I pretty quickly could see why its in anyones faves. It’s a long and exhausting film, you know the kind that’s both dramatic and subtle and thoroughly high brow, but it’s particularly thought provoking to anyone who’s any kind of artist. This film has special significance to Tobi in a way that many films strike certain people at just the right times in your life. It’s something that we both totally get: the envy and agony of being an artist in a world where other artists exist. In this fake-historical-biography-type-thing, Salieri meets his musical hero, Mozart, to discover that he’s an obnoxious fucked up kid. There’s the horrible raging resentment over someone you perceive as far more talented than you who is nothing like you and just an awful human being and a waste of all this talent they somehow have, and then the growing pity overcomes the rage as you watch them drown in the waters of life because they’re still just a fucked up kid (and also you sabotaged their life a bit) . It has the spirit of a revenge flick dragged out over a lifetime and ending in utter regret. But it’s also a pretty fruity and thrilling flick with plenty of melodrama resulting in (unintentional?) lols.

The Good The Bad & The Ugly

Character possibly inspired by shifty-eyes-dog.gif.

I’m not sure why people like this film LOADS. I think it’s very atmospheric and immersive in a kinda seven samurai or lord of the rings way, so it’s probably that. There’s a lot of classic western stuff; dramatic closeups, catchy barebones sound track, mexican standoffs, mexicans sitting down, etc. I think what stood out most for Tobi though was the political commentary angle, when the characters get involved in the civil war that’s been going on the whole time and you get this officer who explains what it’s like from the perspective of the people fighting the war. They’re wasting time and lives for some kind of theoretical victory - in his case simply the destruction of one crappy bridge.

Back To The Future

Look out, Marty! It's another geek referencing hoverboards!

Everyone loves back to the future. It’s a whimsical 80’s film with action and high school boyfantasies. It’s got memorable characters, satisfying endings, a fluffy dog, etc. There’s something great about playing with the concept of time travel and exploring what kinda hilarious dilemmas and easter eggs could happen (see also: Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure). So many shows and films have borrowed from BTTF that it seems pretty vanilla nowadays, but it’ll always be one of the most universally watchable films.

Ratatouille

If a rat can cook, why can't my flatmates?

Ratatouille is one of the slightly less popular Pixar gems, probably because the story is a little weird and the main characters aren’t particularly charismatic or even likeable. But where this film really shines is that kinda ‘Brad Bird magic’, the inspirational philosophies constantly spouted by Remy’s role model (that dead chef guy) and all these really beautiful sentimental moments that happen throughout the film. There’s this amazing bit where the ‘antagonistic’ food critic has a sudden moment of nostalgia, and for some reason it just makes me and Tobi tear up a little (or so I believe). It also has a really sweet colour scheme of blue and copper throughout the film, though I don’t know if Tobi considers that a major factor.

John Carpenter's The Thing

I've got a the thing for these guys.

I’m still kinda surprised that this is one of Tobi’s absolute favourites. It’s a terrifying gorey bodyshock horror film using some brilliantly raw looking stop motion effects to achieve what is still one of the nastiest looking ‘monsters’ in horror films. But I mean this all in a good way, which is why im not THAT surprised by Tobis choice. The reason The Thing is so terrifying is because it’s a horror film done right - it’s all about the tension between the survivors, but there’s a looming threat that doesn’t disappoint, and the tone of the film is bleak and unrelenting. I didn’t like the miserable ending, but when I have to think about it, I wouldn’t want to change the ending, so yeah.

So in summary, Tobi’s selections are a pretty broad range of stuff, he’s prettymuch just gone and picked a film from every major genre. He chose films that are generally accepted by the mainstream to be of high quality, but only because he agrees with that. I think all his choices had some very memorable bit in them that really stood out to him and affected him personally, whether it’s something that warmed his heart or chilled him to the core.

Ms Allie’s List, described by Mr Tobi

Tremors

You might not have heard of this, it's pretty underground.

If I know my Allienese, and I do, I’m going to say that she primarily likes this movie because if the monstars. Tremors is a pretty corny, yet dope monster/adventure movie with pretty awesome characters. There’s some poop and pee jokes in there, but I don’t think she particularly cares about that very much. The monsters are creative and, in a weird way, kind of plausible. I think the designs of the Graboids, the worm-like creatures in the film, kind of resonated with her because I see some of its design philosophy back into her own monster designs. The characters themselves are kind of silly, but unlike most monster-movies, they don’t really do a whole lot of things wrong. The thing it does differently from most monster movies is that it takes place during the day and it actually seems pretty “child-friendly”. It’s kind of hokey, but I really enjoyed this movie too... aside from Melvin. Fuck that guy and I pray to every available God that Allie doesn’t find his bullshit amusing. If there was ever a guy that deserved to get gored in a monster movie, it would be this asshole. Sadly enough the series has no sense of justice on that front.

Terminator 2

I give this a thumbs up while slowly descending into molten steel.

Terminator 2 is a lot of things. It’s pretty much the bar to reach in terms of action movies, an interesting sci-fi story, as well as -the- example of a great sequel. It’s hard to nail down why this movie works so well, especially when it comes to guessing what parts of it particularly appealed to her. If you ignore the action parts of most films in the genre, you usually don’t have a whole lot of material to discuss. The Terminator series actually has a lot going on to flesh out the world and the events, both in the present and inevitable future. First of all you have the lead character, T-800, who returned from the first movie, but as a ‘good guy’ this time around. He doesn’t really know a whole lot aside from combat, so throughout the movie he gets taught what it is like to be more human. Then we have the Connors; an ass-kicking lady and her a pretty capable son. It’s pretty rare when both women and children are represented fairly well in action movies, but Terminator 2 nails both. Sarah sort of lost her mind and has severe trust issues due to knowing about the impending doom of humanity and John has a serious case of the early 90s. All in all, it’s a pretty exciting, but also kind of smart movie, so I totally understand why it’s on her list.

Ghostbusters

Blogging makes me FEEL GOOD

I was pretty damn close to putting Ghostbusters on my own list. It was a cultural phenomenon and just pretty close to a perfect, endlessly quotable movie. The core concept was original, the writing is brilliant, the cast has great chemistry and it’s just a fantastic ride from start to finish. Ghostbusters had this great blend of paranormal stuff that just really spoke to you when you were younger. It was like cartoony, but still felt spooky enough to give it some impact when it needed to. Throw in a layer of dorky sciencey stuff you have a recipe for success. I know Allie has a big fondness of pretty much every cast member in this movie, and I don’t think it’s a big stretch to think it’s exactly -because- of this film.

Laputa: Castle in the Sky

That's a nice flower sir but we're looking for the WMDs.

Weeeeeeeeeaaaaaabboooooooo aaaleeert... :x Oh OK, I must admit, Studio Ghibli is pretty amazing and Castle in the Sky is probably one of their best. The movie has a great sense of adventure and looks fantastic. The only downsides are that the two lead characters are kind of dull and that the last quarter of the movie is kind of weak. You have all this build-up to how amazing Laputa is and when they actually get there, I can’t help but feel a bit underwhelmed each time. In spite of that, you have a great cast of side characters that just always make you smile. The skypirates in particular are strangely endearing and the villain seems to have his shit all figured out. It’s just a fun movie for the most part and looks amazing. It’s no surprise to me that someone that got into art would be all over it.

Mr Vampire

Hey chillax it's just my Taoist zombie army.

I didn’t see this one until fairly recently and probably wouldn’t have watched it if missy here didn’t make me watch it. I’m super glad she did though. It’s this odd mixture of martial arts with comedy and the supernatural. It’s the sort of thing you would associate with Jackie Chan’s oeuvre. The flow of the movie’s action and comedy is so smooth that you might even consider it a work of art. So the basic premise is that "Chinese vampires" (Google it) are sealed and turned into furniture or pets or slaves or I really don’t know what. When a vampire gets unsealed, it starts running (read: hopping) amok. One of the main characters gets infected by the vampire’s bite and has to spend the remainder of the movie to fend off his transformation. It’s just an absolutely crazy and memorable film.


Now to close this off, I couldn’t help but notice the big pattern of sci-fi adventures and monsters in all of these. The only odd one out is Laputa, though it still has a technologically advanced city and ro-bros. I think it all these things stress the creative angle of the stories and visuals.


And that's a wrap, folks. I don't think we've taught the world a whole lot about ourselves, but at least now we have some insight in how people will judge you when you mention you like certain flicks.

Sexy Feminism Girl Fight Fun Time!

So there's been a lot of talk about feminism and video games lately. All kinds of controversies and heated twitter conversations as we slowly start to realise that maybe introducing yourself as a 'girl gamer' sounds weird when you're doing it to the 12 other women on your CoD map. Yet there are still people clinging to the idea that gaming just isn't the same if we don't exploit the male libido and provide that comfortingly familiar feeling of utter alienation for the vaginally endowed.

Like are we going to miss women
pretending to eat consoles?

However, the trouble is for the mansturbators is that strong female characters are really hip right now, and if there's one thing the unenlightened lack, it's creativity (also enlightenment). So you get good examples of female characters, and bad examples that are kind of masquerading as good ones. Now there are some obvious examples of good female characters that always show up in lists - Samus Aran, Alyx Vance, etc. But what about all the OTHER ones?


There's only one way to decide which overlooked female characters are good examples that discourage the rampant misogyny in videogame culture and provide decent role models for the up and coming generation of ggg....g....gggggamers.


SEXY GIRL ON GIRL CAT FIGHT!


JK, we will do the deciding for you. Allie and Tobi. We are the experts. We have lab coats and also degrees in psychology and game design (no really).

Bayonetta vs Lara Croft

'I will...how do the Americans put it? Oh, yes. 'Bust a cap in yo ass!'

Let’s start with a big one. THE big one. You’re going to want to punch me in the face for this. But here goes.

Bayonetta is great, Lara Croft is lame.

Yeah, so the Tomb Raider series has some pretty good games, but in spite of what naive girls such as myself might have assumed back in the day, both Lara and Bayonetta were designed around the philosophy of YAY, TITS AND BUMS YOU GUYS. Seriously, you can look that shit up on interviews... I mean, if it isn’t already obvious. But for me here’s the key issue on which they diverge: Bayonetta is the girliest fucking game i’ve ever seen in my life.

Like ok, there are some generalisations in here which may or may not be poisonous, but the first time I saw that game, heard the oppressively j-pop soundtrack and saw this flirty witch turning into panthers and birds, shooting ornate enemies with fetish heels, explosions jewels and sparkles and candy and butterflies all over the place. My first thought was ‘HOLY SHIT, SOMEONE MADE A GAME ABOUT EVERYTHING MY SISTER LOVES.’ She isn’t pandering to any man, not even you. Most guys keep reminding me that ‘They don’t even find her all that attractive!’ Well done asshole, do you want a medal? Bayonetta is just an unruly explosion of humorous sexuality and baffling catholicism themed violence, an uncompromising female counterpart to the flirtatious and outrageous Dante from the Devil May Cry series.

Lara is just a cheap Indiana Jones knock-off with big tits.

Ivy vs Taki

'Squirm!'

When we were compiling this list, we both immediately agreed that Ivy was a straight up badass, while Taki was lame. I assume we're not the only ones that feel this way as Ivy is seen as one of, if not THE most iconic character of the franchise. The weird thing was, that I didn't really immediately knew why I felt that way. Both are crazy busty characters from the Soul Calibur series that make physics engines break a sweat. Thinking about it, I think it comes down to who of the two fit in better with the rest. Not just in their own franchise, but in pretty much all fighting game franchises. Taki is a ninja with over-sized lemons for breasts and that's pretty much all there's to her.

Ivy on the other hand clearly felt like badass who you did not want to mess with. Her outfits range from dominatrix suits to victorian-era military uniforms. Both of these help cement her status of an intimidating character that can whoop your ass. In contrast of her more sexualised outfits, the series also made a point of it to make Ivy a celibate character. Another layer that made her more interesting was her unconventional transformer-sword that not only doubled for a whip, but somehow also was sentient. Then there's the fact that Ivy is the daughter of one of the series' recurring main villains.

However the thing that I hold the most against the character is that Taki simply retired and ended up getting replaced with a near-identical younger version. Had they kept her in, maybe she could have gained an interesting angle as an ageing ninja lady. However the developers figured she regular boring kunoichi was the extent of what she had to offer.

Tyris Flare vs Elder scrolls 1 cover chick

'What has happened?'

This is an argument that I guess I like to call ‘the bikini context’. It’s a really simple rule. Why is your female character wearing a tiny two piece? Is she at the beach? Did she just escape from a sex dungeon? Is she some mental tribalesque panty barbarian?  Or is it just that you have one token woman character and no imagination and a fear that nobody will buy your crappy game if it doesn’t give them an awkward teenage boner when they’re cruising gamestation.

Tyris Flare is a cool character because she’s just Ax Battler, another panty clad barbarian, but for people who feel like playing as a girl, maybe because they are a girl, or maybe because your friend already picked the dwarf and Ax is kind of rubbish. If everyone else in your game art is wearing armour or robes, and then there’s one nasty looking token female who looks like she’s come underdressed to an orgy, maybe you should just pop down to Bognor’s Battlewear Bazaar and get something that prevents sword wounds a little better than your toned little arse cheeks.

Faith vs Madison Paige

'You go, girl!'

Faith is a pretty tragic character. Not so much by design, but because of her place in the landscape and how she was received. We have a character who isn't conventionally attractive, isn't caucasian, does not occupy herself with any activities that may be associated with a gender and is completely self-reliant. So why is a problem, you may ask? It isn't! It's just kind of sad when you try to think of other characters like her. You're going to be hard-pressed to find many similar characters. It should be noted that she wasn't even specifically designed to fall outside the mold as far as I know. She was just made to complement the story they wanted to tell and mechanics they wanted to use. A fast, athletic person who could be trusted with confidential cargo. She could easily have been a male character, but there was no reason why she should have been.

On the flip-side of that coin, we have Madison. She was designed to be a single white lady whose hobbies consist out of being pointless eye candy, stripping at gunpoint, being too nosey and having mental issues. Typical woman, amirite? When we look at the overall accomplishments she made in Heavy Rain, she managed to bed a guy who clearly had much more important things to do. The developers of Heavy Rain probably noticed how she was pretty worthless and tried to slap an insomnia and delusion-subplot onto her. As a bonus, the insomnia meant they could show her in her nightwear. Too bad all of this was pointless too.

Sakura Vs Mai

'Shame on you! Always flirting!'

I know right? Which way is the opiniometer going to tilt? Fangirl vs. Fan girl.  I’ll admit i’m not like the most versed in in the complex world of beat-em-up back stories, but I think I might know enough. Whenever I play as Mai Shiranui from KoF/FF series, she shakes her cans and talks about how she has a boyfriend called Andy. Hey Andy! My boyfriend! Sup! Hey. I have a boyfriend you know, he’s called Andy. Fascinating. She fights by throwing fans at people and wiggling her butt and she’s become kind of a ‘mascot’ for the games because of her awesome fighting potential. Kidding! It’s because of her boobies that can barely be contained by her bizarre bathrobe.

Sakura is an ‘innocent schoolgirl’ stereotype who has the same moveset as ryu and ken, so she fights by dealing heavy punches and the classic ‘hadouken’ energy blast. She is motivated by a male role model, but doesn’t rely on him, she has her own desire to be a really awesome fighter. I guess she’s an obvious ‘subverted stereotype’ but to me it just kind of works. She looks scary and ambitious but without having a generic ‘tsundere’ tough girl personality and none of her lady parts are just busting out of her clothes.

The Boss vs Yuna

'AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!'

What these ladies both have in common is that they are both sacrificial characters. Let's start off with the summoner Yuna. Here's an example that really rubs me the wrong way, because it's often cited as a great character and a positive female role model in video games. The reason she is a human sacrifice is to temporarily save the world from a monster that will just return. Maybe it's just me, but I never thought that angry-volcano-God-style sacrifices were the most dignified ways a lady to end her life. She does this by going on a pilgrimage to 'catch 'em all', gets roped into marriage and secretly lust after the most asymmetrical whine-bag on their planet. Of course we learn that the whole adventure and religion in general turned out to be a big sham and Yuna ends up making it out alive. She spends the rest of her days being a pop-diva and one of Charlie's Angels. Her personality went from a shy, formal introvert priestess girl to a hyper bubbly pop-idol who wants to find her boyfriend from one game to the next, and the jump was as grating as it sounds. Yuna is a pathetic parody of young girls' aspirations where you either want to be a demure nun or Lady Gaga and is just an all round mess of horrible lessons.

Then we have The Boss, also known as The Joy. The Boss is a soldier, an instructor, a World War 2 veteran, the leader of an elite squad and the mentor of Naked Snake, whose shadow is cast over the entire Metal Gear series. Her sacrificial role comes from choosing to be the fall-guy for a covert-mission gone haywire during the cold war. She would take the blame so her country would not be incriminated. What you can't help but notice is that the boss is quite a lot older than most of the ladies on our list, but what really makes The Boss stand out is that she is actually the role model of Naked Snake. I can't really think of many other instances where a male game character aspires to be like a female character and has nothing but admiration for her. She's a proud, highly capable soldier, bursting with loyalty and patriotism and was willing to give her life for what she believes in.

Yorda vs Zelda

'I'm so stupid...'

I have a really specific part of the Zelda series that I want to use this for comparison, because its reeeeally similar to the whole premise of Ico. So there’s this bit at the end of Ocarina of Time where you have to ‘escort’ Zelda out of the castle that’s collapsing. Only she has the magic power to open doors, and only you have a sword and a shield and like 7 years of experience fighting undead warriors and navigating dungeons.
In Ico, you are an inexperienced young boy armed with whatever long sword-like object you can find, and you’re trying to drag a reluctant moe girl out of a castle where only she has the magic power to open doors, and also she needs help with jumping and climbing and walking and stuff.

I thought it was a really beautiful touch in OoT, where if you get hit by a boulder or knifed by a skeleton, you head Zelda wince sympathetically, like she’s really concerned about you. In Ico, Yorda really couldn’t give less of a shit what you are up to, she doesn’t seem to even want to leave her castley prison, maybe that’s why she keeps ‘falling over’ all the time. I guess it’s kind of cool if that’s part of the story, but you never actually do get to find out what Yorda is thinking, probably because it’s nothing. Thinking gives you wrinkles. Yorda is the worst.

So, I think that's enough. We got our slightly confusing point across, right? Misogeny can't really be measured in cup size. In fact, the more we muse over it, the more Tobi and I reach the conclusion that... maybe the only trick to good female role models is simply better quality writing and character design? To have design choices made for a reason other than 'well, that's kind of what women are like'. Or even a simple idea that isn't rooted in a kind of mild fear or pubescent intrigue about the female sex? And furthermore, the problem isn't so much any singular bad character design, it's more that a stereotype exists when there's an oversaturation of a certain pattern of features - like all women being damsels or wearing bikinis instead of body armour. There shouldn't be any ban on princesses or pink or delicate love interests, they just need to be balanced out with a better range of ideas - ones that say 'women are all sorts of people.'


Of course, the same rules can really be applied to any stereotype. We don't need to write an article about black characters in games though, because there are like 5.